Farewell my FB friends

God and Love, according to me

There are many ideas of God. The idea that the individual souls are the parts and parcels of THAT entity is according to me the correct one.

What does the individual soul being a 'part' mean? It refers to the difference in size i.e. quantity. A drop of ocean is a few milli-litres in volume as compared to the ocean.

What the 'parcel' means is this...the inherent nature of the individual soul is divine i.e. the sameness in quality. A drop of ocean is saline just like the ocean.

There is an important idea that needs to be mentioned which results as an outcome of the above two...which is the idea of 'Love'...'Love' is not possible if the parts thought that they were all different from each other. 'Love' is possible only because Part A shares the essence with God Who in-turn shares the essence with Part B.

I never meant to go back to facebook but I did. I'm only 75% alright. I wanted to avoid people till I was 100% alright. But I guess I have no control over things. It is better if the remaining 25% implodes rather than explodes. I don't have any idea but I believe a greater intelligence is running things.

I have got a pneumonic for the way I work. It is START CMS.

S - Scope management (which is basically dealing with the project triangle)
T - Task management (basically prioritizing by importance, dependency and availability)
A - Ask for help (ask and the google god will answer)
R - ROTE (Run - Observe - Theorize - Edit...basically Kolb's cycle)
T - Testing

C - Concentrate (the Dharana part of Pathanjali Yoga)
M - Meditate (Dhyana)
S - System (something like Samadhi)

It also sounds nice...Start CMS...I'm a chronic procrastinator focusing on Content Management Systems.

It's pretty straight-forward. And when I do start working, I will not be bothering about things alien to me. And Krishna says that one becomes perfect by focusing on his duty. Come-on, when there are people cleaning toilets as their job, this is something that is a luxury.

I now have 2 instructions to my mind, the 2nd an outcome of the 1st...

1. Do not interfere with the intelligence of the universe.
2. Do your job well.

Okay...in the risk of getting arrogant, I want to say something. I have a very nasty habit of being impossibly adamant if I have set my eyes on something. My counselor told me this habit of mine when I wallowed in my wretchedness. He asked me to do the same in a positive way. Let's see if I can do it with my job.

I also have another nasty habit. I do not take part in a game but if I do, I try to make it a draw. Okay...it's not exactly a nasty habit but sometimes it sucks not to win. But when people compete with each other, a tie or a draw is the only eventual result. Only after a draw or a tie do people think of co-operating rather than competing. It is said that he who laughs last has the best laugh but how is it possible in eternity?

I'm not going to facebook anymore. Just want to be alone. It will be difficult but it is one more thing I have to let go. It will be difficult not to get notifications in the email and I'm already sensing a little of withdrawal symptoms.

Facebook looks just superfluous. I do not mean the people there. I mean the communication gap. Here inside myself, I can look at the outside world without the fear of being accused of being judgemental, a narcissist, an arrogant guy, a jerk etc.

Maybe this is the last purgatory cell in the prison of hell I have to go through.

I have eyes but I cannot see anything.

There are 2 things for me to answer. The first is my responsibilities to those around. The second is how I deal with my death.

I think people around me are okay. I have taken from some and given to some. I don't think people will miss me much. Some may wonder why I haven't turned up. One or two maybe (maybe) find an emptiness like how I feel now. But they too will get over it after some time (like I intend to).

About my death, I do not want to pretend that I'm fearless. But I have also started not fearing. My fear doesn't come the way I will die or the time it will come. I fear the time of transition between life and death whether it comes through a bullet or an accident or on my bed or tomorrow or at 60 years. I do not fear much for a few reasons. one reason is because I already died when Archana told me that she soemone else. Another reason is that I have never harmed anyone intentionally. My fear comes from a doubt that Eienstein had...whether this universe is inherently benign.

I was brought up in a very protective atmosphere by my parents. Today also, I'm protected but by my adopted parents. I do not know them...only a vague idea that they are of the form of Lakshmi and Narayana.

The chief reason I want to be alone is that I don't want to explain myself or justify myself to anyone anymore.

I feel retarded and paralyzed. It was not me who took care of things before I was born and neither will it be me after I'm dead. Today, I decided to not interfere with the way the Self ran things. I feel most vulnerable but I also know that this is the armour of God.

FRODO: How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…that have taken hold.

I called her Archana. My friend told me...'Don't call her like that. Call her Achu.'

I sit now where I was 17 years back. But the home has been remodeled into an apartment with a net cafe. Time has just erased all evidence of those days except a memory in my heart.

Excuse me, whoever is reading this. I never meant to be negative but I guess just now a little bit of it is alright.

A cute looking foreign girl sits before me. Apparently she is dressed like those from the Kalakshetra. What the hell has that got to do with my life I have no idea. That's what my life is...something without any idea.

come ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon

I think I'm 68.75% alright. Now...how do I know. I have my own logic. Go figure. lol

Okay I will explain...

When I was 'kept' normal by full dosage of the drugs, I took...

MORNING - 500mg of Valp ER (for mood balance) + 0.25mg of Pramipex (for depression) + 200mg of Sulpitac (for psychosis) + Lozar H (for blood pressure)

EVENING - 500mg of Valp ER (for mood balance) + 0.25mg of Pramipex (for depression) + 200mg of Sulpitac (for psychosis) + Amlopress AT (for blood pressure)

Now I take...


MORNING - 250mg of Valp ER (for mood balance)


EVENING - 500mg of Valp ER (for mood balance) + 0.125mg of Pramipex (for depression) + 100mg of Sulpitac (for psychosis)

So in a day, I take compared to my initial dosage...

Valp ER - 75%
Pramipex - 25%
Sulpitac - 25%
Lozar H & Amlopress AT - 0%

Average amount of drugs I take compared to my initial full dosage - ( 75% + 25% + 25% + 0%) / 4 = 31.25%

So my improvement is (100% - 31.25%) = 68.75%

My next visit to the doctor is in another 14 days. Then I will get Valp ER reduced from 75% to 50%. After that, I hope to meet him once every month. If things go well, I will be drug-free and disease-free in 6 months.

What Home means to me

Everyone is born in a home. Right? No? What about the argument that even an orphan had a home when in the mother's womb. Problem starts at the stage when an individual takes off from home declaring his or her independence. Some freedom is good to develop the individuality but if he or she declares full independence, he or she becomes detached from home. And that leads to insecurity.

There is a home for everyone which one can call as God or Humanity or Universe or Commune etc. There is the sorrow coming from alienation from this home. There is also the joy in being part of and taking part in all the activities of this home. I'm on the wonderful journey back to this home.