I do not know if I want to continue writing the novel. I want to focus on my job.

Just now, on a cough, I got a bit of pain in my chest and left arm. Maybe my heart is in a bad condition. I used to eat a lot of oily food. Maybe there is a lot of cholesterol. What the hell...I have t die some way and maybe my buddy heart is a good way to die through.

Another day gone...good night.

Got a reduction from my doc in my anti-psychotic medication...an outcome of not taking part in facebook. I will return there after I become 100% alright.

So, I have crossed 78% of my journey towards eliminating my drug dependence. I believe when I'm 100% out of my drugs, I will be fully liberated. It's not as if I was not 78% or 100% alright before. But that was during my journey from earth to heaven and then downwards from heaven to hell . Now, I believe it is from hell to heaven.

The next visit to the doc will be 1 month later. I then hope to ask for a reduction in my mood-balance drug. Anyway, these days I'm balanced most of the time.

I have completed 42 pages of the novel. That is around 21,000 words. When I get it to 100 pages or 50,000 pages, I will get it published. I hope to write a page daily in the evening. It's a very creative and satisfying hobby. Though I might be able to encash it, I do not intend to make it a career. So, I guess my writing will be amateurish. But I don't want to get into the trap of writing for success...it's very dangerous and will make me again lose touch of life. I'm now where I'm after months, if not years, of working out of my depression and I don't want to go back.

My work life is getting better. I'm getting some regular projects. I have to only accelerate. I'm working at 1% or 5% of my potential. But I cannot push it any further than what my mental blocks allow.

There is no restriction to God's grace on me. It's again only limited by the speed at which I'm willing to proceed towards Him. I once asked a Hare Krishna devotee why he is calling God as a 'He' and not a 'She'. He said that it is because God is neither a physical male or a female but that God's spirit is masculine in nature. Well..I don't know how true that is. I don't care.

Today a guy made a pass at me. I gave a lift to him on my scooter. He was in his 30's. After a few polite questions and answers of introduction, he started asking again and again, "Are you free now?", "Are you living alone in your house?", "Do you have a separate room in your house?", "Iwill come along with you to your area"...the poor guy looked quite decent but needing psychiatric care. When I stopped answering after some time, he asked me to drop him. I wondered for a moment if he will catch my crotch...LOL...but I also didn't want to humiliate him. I felt sad that there are so many troubled souls in this world. But I told myself that if I can come out, others can too.

Saranagathi to Rama and Varaha

I had posted on Saranagathi to Krishna. I will say something about Saranagathi to Rama and Varaha now.

Rama says, "Even if an enemy comes to Me for refuge disguised as a friend saying 'I'm Yours', I will protect him even if it means that I may be killed."

What it means is that anyone can approach Rama without needing to feel inadequate or undeserving of redemption.

Varaha says that "I will protect a man at the time when he is incapacitated if he takes refuge in Me at the time when he can do so."

This is a very important declaration. When one becomes old or in an advanced stage of a disease, one cannot take care of himself. Varaha says that He will take care of him then. Everyone has to die one-day and Idon't think anyone will want his or her body to rot somewhere. So for atleast a decent burial or cremation, a few people are needed. And who are these? They are nothing but the help Varaha is promising.

I write this in response to the recent death of an aid worker named Linda Norgrove in Afghanistan. A botched-up rescue mission ended in her death. There is no point in lamenting over why the mission failed.

Big countries like US and UK invade small countries like Iraq without a valid reason and then accuse them of violating human rights. A careless order from the President in one of his erotic moods may as well lead to a terrorist bombing later. It is impossible to clearly accomplish success in a crisis situation because chance plays a major role. The best way to score well in an exam is not to cram the previous night but study little bit daily. And people need to believe less in the romanticized versions of a novel or a movie or a game etc. It's because what happens in these romanticized versions is the tip of the ice-berg of reality.

Sometimes these westerners can be amazingly stupid. There is nothing fair in love and war (so where possible, better choose love). I feel sad for Linda Norgrove but I can only say that she bought it on herself. If a snake hisses or a dog barks, one has to heed the message. You don't play with the survival instinct. It is not only stupidity but also morally wrong to tease or play, intentionally or unintentionally, in matters related to survival. It's tragically a paradox that someone like Linda who is supposed to be caring about life of a civilian will meddle with life of a terrorist or a soldier.

I'm not writing from a Holier Than Thou attitude. I also tell myself the same thing...that I'm blessed with many things and that many don't even have the normal environment that I have. Not only that, I don't know how long I will be 'normal' before, for example, I become deranged from old age.

Make hay while the sun shines. That is Varaha's message too..."Live according to My wishes in your capable times and I will take care of you when you cannot take care of yourself."

Thought I will stop posting but I'm going crazy in loneliness. Some prisons are forced and some have to be voluntarily taken.

The meaning of 'Maam Yekam Sharanam Vraja'

I do not wish to post any longer but as a clarification for others, I want to explain the meaning of this phrase. Believe me, it is most esoteric.

It means 'Come to Me Alone for Refuge'.

I would like to explain the terms in the reverse order because it is easier that way.

Vraja: It means 'Come'. But 'Come' for what? See the next term.

Sharanam: It means 'Refuge'. 'Refuge' means something like 'shelter' or 'a rest place' or 'a place of relaxation' or 'be happy in' or 'be at peace in'.

Yekam: It means 'Only' or 'Alone'. It means leave groups like country, race, caste, language, club, relatives, friend-circle, religious affiliations, neighborhood, humans etc. In essence, it means leave every group that is limiting.

Maam:  It means 'Me'. But what is 'Me'? It's a bit tricky to understand but with patience it can be understood. Even if not understood exactly, some knowledge of it is enough to live a practically happy life. So is it an individual called Krishna who is supposed to have lived some thousands of years back? Or is it one's own individuality? Or is it some self-acclaimed God-man. No! The answer is surprisingly simple and even a lay-man has a good grasp of it. But since we are swept away by Maya i.e. illusion, we lost this knowledge that we actually had when young. The key to understanding 'Me' lies in understanding what is 'me'. 'me' refers to an individual and so 'Me' cannot an individual. Since 'Me' is an emphasis of 'me' and there are many 'me'-s in the universe, it means that 'Me' is the collection of or what is common in many 'me'-s. If Sherlock Holmes had never got to read the Bhagavad Gita and came across only this phrase scribbled on a piece of paper, he will probably say Elementary, Mr.Watson.

A tip to the intelligence folks...

(Note that I said 'intelligence' and not 'intelligent')

When it comes to hiding a 'secret', one has to first see whether one is planning to hide it externally or internally.

The best way to hide a secret externally is 'silence'. Krishna says in the Gita, 'Of the things kept secret, I'm silence'. What does silence mean? Suppose you are hiding a refugee in your house and his oppressor comes to search your place. There may then arise a conflict between telling the truth and protecting the refugee. The best course of action for you in this situation is to remain silent. By doing so, you are 'not telling lies' and at the same time, you are protecting the one who has taken refuge in you. What you do IF the oppressor asks you is up to you but other things being even, the oppressor will not ask if you are hiding someone.

About hiding an internal secret, like your anxiety over your small cup-size or the large waist length, well...you really cannot hide anything from your Creator. But since it is your Creator who created your cup-size or waist-length, He will not chide you. ;-)

Under Siege!!!

Since the time I entered the black hole, it is inevitable that I will be under siege.

How much is the siege?

For starters, since the time I had bipolar, sometimes I can be very brilliant and sometimes very retarded.

There was this incident in my childhood. I was staying behind a minister's house. One-day, i wanted to feel important. So I came back home and lied to my parents that a few strangers asked me some odd questions, implying some kind of kidnapping. My uncle called over the minister and the minister told him not to worry. The next day, as I walked down the street to the bus stand, I wondered if any 'bodyguards' were there following me. To my sad disappointment, none seemed to be there. But still, with eloquence I told the story to my friends.

Now also, I have my own set of pet theories. I can see funny happenings in my computer, internet, electricity, mobile-phone etc.

But the question is, does it matter?

There are 2 things I want to say.

As my counselor said, only a powerless man will want external sources of power. I read once in a magazine on how the ministers in India prided themselves in the number of black-cats allotted to protect them. But this is a false sense of importance. Those black-cats will be allotted to some other person after 5 years. Someone who accepts himself or herself the way he or she is, is more powerful than these ministers. Actually, the true measure of anyone is in how he or she responds to, initiates, develops and finally comes out after 'being left in the dark'.

I do not interfere with my captors nor do they (my captives? :-)) interfere with me.

Separation from Pravda is as bad as separation from Archana. While Archana separated from me, I separated from Pravda. This is life. No-one can really question. As Kannadasan wrote in a song, 

பாதை எல்லாம் மாறி வரும் பயணம் முடிந்து விடும். மாறுவதை புரிந்து கொண்டால் மயக்கம் தெளிந்து விடும்.

Paths will all keep changing and the journey will end. If the change is understood, the dizziness will be clarified.