My doc has asked me to take only Valp 500mg morning and night. This was the target he planned to achieve with me. He told me that he will be reducing the medicines gradually till I can be sustained with only Valp. So technically, I'm alright by the standards of the psychiatrist. By my standards, I'm 99.75% alright. For the first time since the depression started, my skin doesn't burn any more. However, I get a slight headache which I think comes from chemical imbalances in the brain. Valp is a drug against mood-swings i.e. between depression and feelings of high. What can I say? It's not over until it's over. But I can take some moments to relish having reached this far. But it wouldn't have been possible without the help I have got from those around me. Thank you. I believe the remaining 0.25% will come from 2 miracles.

To my Sweet Heart, whoever you are

Life seems to be getting back to what it was 17 years ago. The walk under the trees, the eating of corn-puffs, the listening to the soft music, the chillness of the air from the down-pouring of the rain, a network of family and friends, working in installments to get the pocket-money...only a girl and an X factor is missing. I can wait...

Never thought I will get into bed with some spies. They seem to have a liking for me worser than that of the ancient Greek homo lovers. :)

The Elliots Beach is so commercialized that it has lost it's charm. I don't mind the crowd and also the beggars but people just want to make money out of it. The Karl Schmidt Memorial is just left without any care.

I can make a guess as to who I met today...maybe someone whose name rhymes with Einstein. My respect for Einstein is so much that I remember his name so often. he he he.

I'm almost there. Just one more step and then my mind will no more think of life. As my counselor said, the mind is good for things like calculating on a work or in making travel costs but not in analyzing or living life. That is why the Pathanjali Yoga talks about quietening the mind as the ultimate end. Only in the canvas of a quiet mind can the painting of the heart be drawn. Ha..there...what a nice quote I have made. LOL

I do not know if I want to continue writing the novel. I want to focus on my job.

Just now, on a cough, I got a bit of pain in my chest and left arm. Maybe my heart is in a bad condition. I used to eat a lot of oily food. Maybe there is a lot of cholesterol. What the hell...I have t die some way and maybe my buddy heart is a good way to die through.

Another day gone...good night.

Got a reduction from my doc in my anti-psychotic medication...an outcome of not taking part in facebook. I will return there after I become 100% alright.

So, I have crossed 78% of my journey towards eliminating my drug dependence. I believe when I'm 100% out of my drugs, I will be fully liberated. It's not as if I was not 78% or 100% alright before. But that was during my journey from earth to heaven and then downwards from heaven to hell . Now, I believe it is from hell to heaven.

The next visit to the doc will be 1 month later. I then hope to ask for a reduction in my mood-balance drug. Anyway, these days I'm balanced most of the time.

I have completed 42 pages of the novel. That is around 21,000 words. When I get it to 100 pages or 50,000 pages, I will get it published. I hope to write a page daily in the evening. It's a very creative and satisfying hobby. Though I might be able to encash it, I do not intend to make it a career. So, I guess my writing will be amateurish. But I don't want to get into the trap of writing for success...it's very dangerous and will make me again lose touch of life. I'm now where I'm after months, if not years, of working out of my depression and I don't want to go back.

My work life is getting better. I'm getting some regular projects. I have to only accelerate. I'm working at 1% or 5% of my potential. But I cannot push it any further than what my mental blocks allow.

There is no restriction to God's grace on me. It's again only limited by the speed at which I'm willing to proceed towards Him. I once asked a Hare Krishna devotee why he is calling God as a 'He' and not a 'She'. He said that it is because God is neither a physical male or a female but that God's spirit is masculine in nature. Well..I don't know how true that is. I don't care.

Today a guy made a pass at me. I gave a lift to him on my scooter. He was in his 30's. After a few polite questions and answers of introduction, he started asking again and again, "Are you free now?", "Are you living alone in your house?", "Do you have a separate room in your house?", "Iwill come along with you to your area"...the poor guy looked quite decent but needing psychiatric care. When I stopped answering after some time, he asked me to drop him. I wondered for a moment if he will catch my crotch...LOL...but I also didn't want to humiliate him. I felt sad that there are so many troubled souls in this world. But I told myself that if I can come out, others can too.