Hit, miss and get lost

You can hit me. But it will be a miss or something which scratches me or stuns me for a moment. Then you are lost.

I don't offer gambits. That doesn't mean that I'm a pacifist. Vishwaksenar does the needful.

There is only one who can and will kill me. It is Shri Krishna. I will die by His hands and hopefully, in His hands.

No one, which includes Shri Krishna, can win me except by losing to me. You cannot fake it.

I may sound psychotic but I will never get mad. Do yourself the favour of not going mad by not trying to bother me.

Even if you have screwed me royally, I will forgive you if you mean something like "I'm sorry."

Dharma, Artha, Kama & Monica...ooopps ...Moksha

I have again changed my life pattern. I have deleted a couple of things, added something, changed the order and time of doing them.

It goes like this now...listen in the morning to the Vishnu Sahasrnama, then an article from Sakala Kaariya Siddhiyum Shrimadh Ramayanamum, then a chapter from the Bhagavd Gita and then prostrating to the God(s) in the Puja room. This is my Dharma.

Around noon, I plan to work for 6 sessions of 45 minutes (like 2 for programming and 4 for writing). This is my Artha.

In the evening, I think I will play games, watch nice movies, browse online, walk in the beach etc. Perhaps romancing will get added to this list. This is my Kama.

After 7'O clock, I will be chanting the Dvaya mantram 54 times. This is my Moksha.

18 years back, I thought that I had, and accomplished, everything. Unfortunately for me, I had got only Artha and Kama. And both went away.

The order of getting these 4 things is natural and important. I wasn't taught Dharma as a child though I knew that I was expected to be good. I added to it..."as far as I can help it." Such an attitude got me safe most of the times. Those times when I couldn't help it, I was rewarded with the stick. At least, I knew something about Dharma. What I knew about Moksha or Nirvana were music bands. Actually, I wasn't very impressed with Moksha because it just meant an absence of suffering. My mathematical brain equated the absence of a negative, without any hint on the positive, to be zero. And zero looked boring. If you are anxious to know whether I know anything better now, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I still don't know clearly how the absence of suffering can be the presence of joy. But within 48 days, starting from today, I hope to get an answer.

I dropped doing any social service. Doing it seemed to be the correct thing to do as a means of sacrifice but the Bhagavad Gita says that the best sacrifice is the Knowledge sacrifice, which I'm already doing by reading a chapter from the Bhagavad Gita. In life, there is no good in doing anything even a little more or less. Life doesn't allow it. By accepting to live by the Bhagavad Gita, I will be doing a better though not obvious sacrifice.

BTW, is my writing better? I've been learning. :-)

I have stopped writing the prayer and gratitude journal since I will be chanting the Dvaya mantram. It's not like I'm conservative or that I don't believe that writing the journal isn't an act of surrender. Infact, these changes in me are largely a result of doing it. I feel more relaxed chanting. And, it also supports my belief that the Charama Sloka is a synthesis of everything till then told by Shri Krishna. I believe that the 4 instructions in 65th verse in the 18th chapter synthesizes whatever was told before that and that the next verse synthesizes the 4 instructions into Maam Yekam Sharanam Vraja. I believe that the Dvaya mantram has all the 4 components in it.

Prof

I cannot get rid of the necessity for acronyms.

I'm going to be a Prof. What??? Is it Professional or Professor, Mr. Arvind?

Either. (If it's the latter, better call me Dr. Arvind. :o))

This is what it stands for...

1. P - Primer or maybe Prathipakshnena (hilarious?)
2. R - Read like a writer
3. O - Own, One's own or Orginal and any word that starts with O which I can fit in reasonably.
4. F - Forum or Feedback

Actually, I was somewhat using these 4 ways of doing things in programming. Apparently, it looks as if I can use the same technique here.

By primer, I mean learning the basic principles, more like just learning things in the primary school.
By 'Read like a writer', I mean reading classic and good books written by others. In programming, this is learning from others' code.
Own writing is self-explanatory.
I will participate in forums or take in feedback after having written something. It will be the last stage and even if 'f' is not there in the acronym, I can still be a 'Pro'. :D

I'm presently doing the 1st two and after some 15-20 days, I will start again writing daily something for 45 minutes.

The good news for me is that I'm liking the time spent working i.e. I can sit at one place for some sessions of 45 minutes. 'Reading like a writer' is really a nice excuse to enjoy some good book. :-) It's like the villian getting paid to do the rape scene. :D

Ofcourse, I'm a bit anxious in the way my career is going. I have got to put a lid on myself in not thinking too far about getting the book published. Just yesterday, within a few minutes, I was wondering about fame and I fell down from my scooter in my excitement. lol

My only aim, which sounds trite, is to be liberated from the pains that I have.

My work

I start off by settling my debts to the society (that helped me freely when I was depressed and incapable of helping myself) by doing some voluntary work. Actually, I work at the pace of a retard but I think it's okay.

Then I try to look after my tummy i.e earn atleast something to feed, clothe and provide the room rent (and perhaps the internet charge as well). I'm doing a software online job for about an hour. Since I believe that I have Attention Deficit Disorder, I do it for only 45 minutes (nice excuse :-)) But the attention deficit that I have gets compensated by the slightly greater concentration power that I have. I don't know...maybe it's related only to the domain of software where I have this sort of concentration level. I can work on software only for an hour and after this, it becomes difficult to concentrate. Web design and development is a great field but I don't have the same amount of interest as in writing. There is one more reason. I'm still psychotic and staying too long trying to debug makes me wonder if there is hacking and sabotage going on. I can stand it for 1 hour and anyway, if anything goes wrong, I can recover.

Whatever I will earn from writing will go to my family and perhaps friends.

I believe that I can be a good writer but a career like writing is such a crazy thing to take up in India. India is basically a service oriented country where people generally play safe by taking up careers that gives a steady income, even if it is not to one's liking and requires working terribly hard. My mother and sister have slowly come to accept it. It's me who is still a bit apprehensive. I sure like the many aspects of writing. My counselor who is himself a writer and a critic says my writing style is good. My aunt who was an English literature teacher a long time back says she likes my writing. I wouldn't be as hesitant as I'm if I was like how I was many years back. Again, my hesitation is more of a caution than a fear of asserting my way out of the hell hole that I'm in. I know very well that, just as in spirituality where I had to accept certain things on faith, I have got to write to become and be a writer. The nice thing is that it's become a necessity (and necessity's the mother of all inventions).

La la la...

Trying to sing a song but actually having butterflies in my stomach. Me a writer? Me a lunatic? I'm willing to accept that only one of them can be true. Atleast, 50% chance is better than none.

Lavanya

She was a very dear friend in school. At first, she was acting only like a close friend. And while all the tme I was trying to impress Archana, she was trying to impress me. I didn't notice it for some time and I kind of used the good relations with her as a way of getting the attention of Archana. I did get it, not just Archana's but also the whole class. I wouldn't call myself manipulative. Lavanya was an extrovert but she wasn't exactly a beauty though a few guys considered her hot. She had a good heart. Actually, I didn't find a single one whom I could call as crooked. It was an age of innocence. Even Swami and Harish had a good nature behind their snobbish attitude. A couple of times I have wondered if I got ditched by Archana because of Lavanya's curse. I don't think so. Maybe she would have shouted at me behind my back but not to the extent of cursing me. I miss her friendship.

Vishwanath was an amazing and handsome guy. A gem. There was this circle of friends who used to hang out together as a group. At such an young age, they made a statement of style by being together in everything. If there is one thing that I have not had the fortune of, it is to belong to a group of tight-knit college friends. I had invested a lot in Archana in college that I didn't seek such friends.

I'm beginning to feel like how I was in the last year of my school in 92-93. This time I hope to play my cards right but I wonder if I have any control over it. Presented with the same options again, I would choose differently in a thing or two. But I don't know what those one or two things are.

Getting Wisdom in the internet age

I do this by an adaptation of a verse in the Bhgavad Gita (4:34)

"Learn thou this by discipleship, by investigation, and by service. The wise, seers of the essence of things, will instruct thee in wisdom."

I read a chapter of the Bhagavad Gita daily. It's said in the Varaha Purana that someone who reads like this is like a body guard. It looks like a truth because the chapters are all a source of wisdom, is practical, continues like a thread and has a reality check. While reading, I note down the difficult areas or terms for trying to find the meaning further.


I'm not in any regular disciplic succession. The Guru that I have, my counselor, isn't really interested in it. So I treat all the spiritual souls on the internet as my Guru. So I say the following Guru mantra to find the meaning from search engines.

"Guru Brahma, Guru Vishnur
Guru Devo Maheshwaraha
Guru Saakshaath Para Brahman
Thasmai Shri Guruve Namaha."

Is it really necessary to say the mantra? I say it to make a contract that I'm going to have an open mind while reading it. It's not just a fancy ritual. Those who write articles or take part in the forums dealing with spirituality, atleast momentarily become Brahma, Vishnu, Maheshwara and the Para Brahman. It's proper that one gives recognition to them as such and also declare that the wisdom gained is because of their benevolence.

Once that is done, the next step is to ask repeated questions. Suppose one doesn't understand a term or a sentence or a passage in the scripture and reads an article which gives an explanation. But it will likely, atleast in the initial stages, open a Pandora's box of other such terms, sentences and passages. So one has to go an search again. The good thing is generally it takes a few searches to get a query clarified and that is the triumph of the day!

Slowly and steadily, when one reads the scripture daily, more will get clarified and after some point, the essence of the Wisdom that the text conveys, would have been understood. It might look as if one has understood all that is there in the scripture but big scriptures like the Gita, the Bible, the Koran etc. can give new meanings with each reading. For example, when someone patiently had finished reading the Gita for 18 days, when he or she reads the 1st chapter, he or she will find a new thing that was not known before. A new meaning might result from the experience that one has had in the 18 days. He or she might have misread or mispronounced a word which had given a completely different meaning. He or she might be even noticing a term for the first time, even though the passage has been read many times.

After all this, it's important to do something good for the 'Guru' materialistically. 'Gurus' or those who engage in contemplating spiritual things have lost valuable time that they could have used for earning money through a worldly pursuit. It is a duty for the disciple to compensate for this loss by giving back something concrete and materialistic. When I go to my counselor, I do it by giving the session fees. On the internet, one can do to some extent by sending a thank you note or taking part in the forums and answering the questions others has posed or sharing the article to make it popular and thereby increase website visitors leading to advertisement clicks or donating some money if there is a Donate button.

This is no different than learning science or maths at school but people have to really do the 3 things (pay tribute to the Guru, ask repeated questions and do service back) to make the process fulfilling and complete. I have told this in the context of Hinduism but I believe that other religions recommend formally or informally the same thing.