Arvy, Arvind and X

Arvy: I'm not well.
Arvind: okay.
Arvy: Is that all you can say?
Arvind: I don't know what to say.
Arvy: I'm bleeding inside. Like an internal hemorrhage.
Arvind: Hemorrhage can be only internal.
Arvy: Very funny.
Arvind: I'm sorry.
Arvy: I feel as if the weight of the universe is pressing on me.
Arvind: Do you think the universe is heavy?
Arvy: That's a poor attempt at joke. You are sick.
Arvind: I'm.
Arvy: What? You also? I thought I was the only crazy one here.
Arvind: Now you know.
Arvy: That doesn't really help. Does it?
Arvind: It doesn't. But still we are not the only ones here.
Arvy: What? Is there someone else too? I would like to meet him/her/it.
Arvind: Do you want me to call him?
Arvy: Yes! sure do. I need all the help I can muster.
Arvind: Okay, I will call him. But let's call him X, okay?
Arvy: I have no objections.
Arvind: Okay then. Wait a second. I will call him...Hello X...would you like to join in?
X: Sure. Who are you both?
Arvind: We don't know. Who are you?
X: I don't know. But it doesn't matter.
Arvy: Hello X.
X:Hello Arvy.
Arvy: Can you help me?
X; I will, if I can.
Arvy: I feel like crying. But I can't.
X: Why can't you?
Arvy: Adults are not supposed to cry. I'm also supposed to be tough. And people are watching. There are 2 followers and I don't know how many are hidden.
X: That's sad.
Arvy: It is. And I cannot drop dead. I have got to stand. If I fall down, thoe around me will fall down too.
X: I see. Are you sure?
Arvy: I'm sure but I wish I didn't have to be sure too.
X: You can rest on me for a while.
Arvy: But how? I don't even know you.
X: Yes. That's a problem. But we will manage somehow. Don't worry.
Arvy: You are being vague.
X: I'm sorry.
Arvy; Don't be. You seem to be a nice chap.Atleast, you are listening to me.
X: Why can't you tell me directly your problem?
Arvy: It's because I don't know what my problem is. Or to put it in another way, I have too many problems to single out any.
X: That's bad.
Arvy: But I'm brave.
X: You are.
Arvy: Now...how can you know that?
X: Well...you sounded brave.
Arvy: Okay. I'm also nice.
X: Okay.
Arvy: My head is feeling heavy now.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I wish life was simpler.
X: I don't know.
Arvy: Sometimes I'm very scared. But I just shut down those thoughts.
X: i know.
Arvy: Tell me...I'm living by a few things told in the Gita. Do you think it will work out?
X: I think so.
Arvy: How can you help me?
X: I don't know. I'm here for as long as you need me.
Arvy: Are you God?
X: I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Arvy: Then tell me what matters.
X: I don't know. You have got to try out certain things. See if it matters.
Arvy: Sometimes I wish I could die in an accident or an earthquake or something like that.Gone in a second.
X: I have nothing to say.
Arvy: I don't think I will regret if I die now.
X: Okay.
Arvy; I'm feeling wretched that I cannot even easily speak from my heart.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I think I have hurt some people. But I believe that I have compensated.
X: Okay.
Arvy: Or maybe I haven't. Maybe I'm still alive to settle some more debts.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I cannot make anything of life.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I cannot even express in words. I'm trying so hard to find a right word or sentence to tell how I feel but it just doesn't come.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I don't know how long this is going to take.I wish I'm taken care of. But I don't want to be a burden.
X: Granted.
Arvy: I don't know what you mean by 'granted'. I have to go now. But I would like to come back again tomorrow to talk with you.
X: I will see you tomorrow. Have dinner and go to sleep. You will be all right.
Arvy: Thanks. I don't want us to talk with Arvind for some time. Is it okay?
X: I don't have any objection. But out of decency, you should request him.
Arvy: Okay, I will. Hello, Arvind...
Arvind: I heard what you said to X. It's all right by me. Anything which makes you happy makes me happy too.
Arvy: Thanks. Maybe I will talk with you tomorrow. Maybe...
Arvind: You don't need to explain.
Arvy: Thanks. Life is beautiful...am I the son or the father?
X: Crazy nut!
Arvy: Will I be all right?
X: Yes.
Arvy: Soon?
X:Yes.
Arvy: How soon?
X: Help is coming to you at the speed of light.
Arvy: But from where and how big is the universe? I need to know distance to calculate the time.
X: The universe is big indeed. But it is enough to fit inside your heart.
Arvy: That means...it can be any moment?
X: Yes.
Arvy: Good night.

Pet commentary on American economy

Putin suggests that Americans are like parasites. I agree                    with the previous part of his quote...that they are living beyond their means.

Americans have been very generous. Today,we have the culture of free browsing, emails, blogging, music videos etc. thanks to the software companies largely owned by Americans. Perhaps Putin himself is using blogger, livejournal, facebook, twitter etc.

These services needn't be free. Taking it for granted is the same as not appreciating the benevolence of cow's milk...after all no one requests the cow if it wants to give. Competition is not the only reason for some of these products and services being free. A lot of people have invested in software with the best intentions. One web host is giving the service for free for 2 years -- they expect that after 2 years, when a small businessman starts getting revenue, he or she will sign up for the premium. But, a lot of people, including me, have no such plans. While I don't misuse it, there are those who enroll in mass numbers trying to earn quick cash. If something remains steady for a day, that itself is a big thing in this world and these people are planning for 2 years. That is not a parasitic way of life. Actually, some people from countries like China, India, Russia etc. ride piggyback on the developments in America. If all the pirated versions of Windows was seized in India, almost all the small-scale companies and 90% (my estimate) of homes would be shut down.

But Americans surely have a problem with the way they spend their money on luxury. Even if you have a full course meal, if you have dysentery, you are going to be emaciated. I'm not against wealth. Wealth can however be only a by-product and not a product by itself. Of course, you must be knowing this already...but I have to say this to complete my pet commentary. :-)

My mother

My mother's got a growth inside her skull. Luckily and thankfully, it isn't a tumour.

I have played down the significance of it to my mother and she does the same thing to me, except rarely when she mentions it in anger. I cannot nevertheless help thinking occasionally about it a a time-bomb.

My mother is only half-alive. A part of her consciousness has already transcended this world.

What bothers me a little is that even the MR scan was paid by my sister. In case of a major operation, she would have to be the one financing it. But I believe that the growth in her is psycho-somatic. The only thing I can do is to make sure that she is happy and expect the growth to dissolve by itself. There have been such cases reported.

It's also a bother for me of how I will be after she dies. The other day, my mother took 2 promises from me. That I will not commit suicide after she dies and that I will do Gaya Shraddham for her and my father after her death. I was very glad that she took such a promise. It was one thing which had been bothering me. The reason I'm alive these days is only for her and it did occur to me that I might do anything after her death. And I didn't like the thought. She has asked me to prove to the world that I can live happily. It will no doubt be terrible after her death but I think I would be able to manage somehow.

Acchu...

"Going so soon to bed?", I say "But I'm not finished with you yet"
She turns over on the bed and God help me, she is beautiful and sexy.
"Come on, let's do it once..."
"No."
"Why not?"
She doesn't answer.
I go near her. She smells good. Hmmmm...what could it be? It is jasmine.
"Do you know that you smell like jasmine?"
"Really?"
"Yes."
She is on her back and I ask, "How can a beauty like you ever love me?"
"I don't know."
I ask, "What do you want tonight? Veg or non-veg?"
She gushes. "Veg...only...always."
I sulk.
"Can we try only once, non-veg?"
"No!"
"Okay. Let's have it this way. You take veg and I will have non-veg."
"No way."
"Do you know that you are stubborn?" I ask
"Cheee...bad boy. I can never allow non-veg."
"But it's me...your lawfully wedded husband."
"I said, 'No!'"
I know that it is pointless to try any further.

"Okay. Let's have veg." I say "Where do you want me to start? Ears, mouth, eyes, neck...?"
"Your wish." she says, "I'm yours...almost."
"In that case, I will start with your mouth. I will close it so you won't say 'no' anymore."
I put my lips on hers.
Taking a mouthful, or more precisely a lipful, I say, "Your lips are so clean and reddish."
She doesn't say anything.
I roll back and look at the ceiling. I say, "Acchu..."
"Tell me..."
"Can I ask something?"
"What?"
"Why do you only like me?"
She is silent.
"Why do you like me and not love me?"
I look at her face. She doesn't look back at me. Her face has turned serious.
"We needn't have married. We needn't have gotten into the relationship in the first place."
She is nervous. She gets up to go.
I say, "Stop!"
She stops but turns her face the other side.
"How long can I put up with you?" I say, "I'm never enough for you. Come on...say something. Atleast say, 'I have to say "yes".' I didn't lie to you when I said that I wanted to be with you even if it meant only over the phone. You are all that I ever wanted. If only you were actually with me now. Look at me now. A wretched man not knowing the real from the imaginary. If only you had told me that you are just reflecting my affection and that you had no feelings for me on your own. I wouldn't have persisted on you. Sure, I would have been a wretch for a couple of years but I would have never been lost. Did you say that you love me because it was done in the movies and the books? My heart bleeds in self-pity. This is not the life that I ever expected. I'm not angry with you. I'm sad that you weren't a little more honest. I have no one. I don't have you. I don't have my parents. I don't know why I'm still living. Can you do me a favour?"
She asks, "What?"
"Can you allow non-veg?"

If you can't stand the heat...

Global Warming

...harness it, silly.

Only earthlings will complain about the inexhaustible energy from the Sun (yeah, I know the Sun is running out of gasss, but seriously do you care what happens after billions of years?). What's needed is making things run harmoniously (yeah, I know this too that it's easy for a jerk like me to say than actually do it).

Hit, miss and get lost

You can hit me. But it will be a miss or something which scratches me or stuns me for a moment. Then you are lost.

I don't offer gambits. That doesn't mean that I'm a pacifist. Vishwaksenar does the needful.

There is only one who can and will kill me. It is Shri Krishna. I will die by His hands and hopefully, in His hands.

No one, which includes Shri Krishna, can win me except by losing to me. You cannot fake it.

I may sound psychotic but I will never get mad. Do yourself the favour of not going mad by not trying to bother me.

Even if you have screwed me royally, I will forgive you if you mean something like "I'm sorry."

Dharma, Artha, Kama & Monica...ooopps ...Moksha

I have again changed my life pattern. I have deleted a couple of things, added something, changed the order and time of doing them.

It goes like this now...listen in the morning to the Vishnu Sahasrnama, then an article from Sakala Kaariya Siddhiyum Shrimadh Ramayanamum, then a chapter from the Bhagavd Gita and then prostrating to the God(s) in the Puja room. This is my Dharma.

Around noon, I plan to work for 6 sessions of 45 minutes (like 2 for programming and 4 for writing). This is my Artha.

In the evening, I think I will play games, watch nice movies, browse online, walk in the beach etc. Perhaps romancing will get added to this list. This is my Kama.

After 7'O clock, I will be chanting the Dvaya mantram 54 times. This is my Moksha.

18 years back, I thought that I had, and accomplished, everything. Unfortunately for me, I had got only Artha and Kama. And both went away.

The order of getting these 4 things is natural and important. I wasn't taught Dharma as a child though I knew that I was expected to be good. I added to it..."as far as I can help it." Such an attitude got me safe most of the times. Those times when I couldn't help it, I was rewarded with the stick. At least, I knew something about Dharma. What I knew about Moksha or Nirvana were music bands. Actually, I wasn't very impressed with Moksha because it just meant an absence of suffering. My mathematical brain equated the absence of a negative, without any hint on the positive, to be zero. And zero looked boring. If you are anxious to know whether I know anything better now, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I still don't know clearly how the absence of suffering can be the presence of joy. But within 48 days, starting from today, I hope to get an answer.

I dropped doing any social service. Doing it seemed to be the correct thing to do as a means of sacrifice but the Bhagavad Gita says that the best sacrifice is the Knowledge sacrifice, which I'm already doing by reading a chapter from the Bhagavad Gita. In life, there is no good in doing anything even a little more or less. Life doesn't allow it. By accepting to live by the Bhagavad Gita, I will be doing a better though not obvious sacrifice.

BTW, is my writing better? I've been learning. :-)

I have stopped writing the prayer and gratitude journal since I will be chanting the Dvaya mantram. It's not like I'm conservative or that I don't believe that writing the journal isn't an act of surrender. Infact, these changes in me are largely a result of doing it. I feel more relaxed chanting. And, it also supports my belief that the Charama Sloka is a synthesis of everything till then told by Shri Krishna. I believe that the 4 instructions in 65th verse in the 18th chapter synthesizes whatever was told before that and that the next verse synthesizes the 4 instructions into Maam Yekam Sharanam Vraja. I believe that the Dvaya mantram has all the 4 components in it.