I find it difficult to trust another because of my ex. But I don't blame her. She had her reasons. I live inside myself. I don't know if I can ever get over my retardation. My uncle had an ailment similar to alzheimer's disease. He went lonely and depressed after one of his two sons left home forever after becoming manic. Another son of his is a very nice guy who is close to me but he too is depressed. He isn't smart but is very hard-working. My uncle's daughter was depressed too after marrying a guy who suddenly started disliking her immediately after marriage. Only my aunt is not depressed but she is sad in her own way. In his last years, my uncle went aloof and after a point didn't bother talking to others. One month before his death, me and my mom went to meet him at the hospital. The doctor said that his brain had shrunk. When he saw me, he became very happy and had tears in his eyes. I think good old memories must have come to him. But though he tried to speak, he couldn't do so because it had lost all capacity to do so from non-use. But he could hear what we said. It was sad for us to speak to him but not for him to respond. I told him that everything will be alright. I knew then that he was not going to last for long. My aunt, the traditional Indian woman that she is, just wanted him to be alive long enough before she died a sumangali, even though she had to sometimes clean the room when he defecated unknowingly. They were financially poor too. On the 10th day after my uncle's death, his daughter-in-law caught a flight to UK. I told my cousin that from now on, everything will be fine for their family. He has a got a very strong wife and a nice kid.

I don't know but I feel kind of like my uncle. I just cannot relate to anything any more in this life. I have lost the capacity to feel even.

I sense people loving me and doing their best to help me but I am unable to relate to them. I live inside myself. I have pain. I also believe that it is darkest before dawn.

To Odd...

 

चेश्मा उताकर फिर देखो यारो

I don't know what to say.

My counselor once said...when one let's go of oneself, one doesn't sink but is kept afloat by a buoyant force.

Dear Arvind,

It's okay.

Just now I saw Archana on Orkut

I was going to get in touch with her. But I guess it is pointless to go back in life to a buried past.

"நினைபதெலாம்  நடந்துவிட்டால்  தெய்வம்  ஏதுமில்லை;
நடந்ததையே  நினைத்திருந்தால்  அமைதி  என்றுமில்லை.
முடிந்த கதை தொடர்வதில்லை  இறைவன்  ஏட்டினிலே;
தொடர்ந்த  கதை  முடிவதில்லை  மனிதன் வீட்டினிலே ."

The Essence of Bhagavad Gita

Whatever happened, it happened well.
Whatever is happening, it is happening well.
Whatever will happen, it will also happen well.
What of yours did you lose, that you are crying for?
What did you bring with you, that you lost?
What did you create, that can be wasted?
Whatever you took, it was taken from here only.
Whatever you gave, it was given from here only.
Whatever is yours today, it will belong to someone else tomorrow.
On another day, it belongs to yet another.
This alone is the justice of the world and the essence of My creation.

~ The Blessed Shri Krishna

Look at the problem I have...I really don't want to be a narcissist or anything like that. I want attention, again not the kind of attention like fame. I once had that and or thought I had that.

I only want a simple life....walking under the trees, listening to music, palying games, sitting at the beach, romancing with a girl (ok...maybe this isn't really simple...LOL)

I may appear to be cold-hearted but I'm not. I'm like everyone else. I have my failings which I sincerely try to remove. But it isn't a overnight job. I really don't know when. It's not as if I'm enjoying all the time. I get pain every now and then but I'm glad that it's frequency is getting lower and lower. One-day I know that I will be in harmony fully with those around me. I request your patience and participation with me. It's because it's a 2 way process.