From a Distance

Hey guys...I'm thankful for the cover you have been giving me. But my time is over and I don't need any protection from the world. I'm under the care of the universe. I'm 100% well protected. So don't waste your resources, time, energy and life on me. It doesn't help me in any way and will even be an impeding factor. Cover yourselves and those whom you care about. And keep moving towards Ahimsa. And God is watching us, from a distance.

Meeting a bear, a lion and a fox

It's not often that one comes across a bear, a lion and a fox all at the same time in the wild. They are all glorious in their own way.

My medicine

The reason I decided not to reduce the medicine in the next 3 months but instead continue as it is because...first, I felt better taking it full dosage, to be frank. My doctor had never wanted to decrease the dosage in the first place but I insisted on it. I was basically worried about the side-effects of the drug. See..when one takes an allopathy drug, it kind of knocks out the major issue. But many things go into the making a drug...there is the human interference in the manufacturing process, then the doctor has to decide the right drug and dosage, the side-effects etc. I don't undervalue allopathy...they are wonderful but they can only address between 80-99% of the disease. So if one can get reduced the dosage, it's always better. But it is also true that some people have to take these prescribed drugs for the rest of their lives to live a reasonably normal life. Otherwise their system will just collapse. Does it mean that these people are condemned to an imperfect life? No. It's just like wearing a spectacles or contact lenses for the rest of the life. There will ofcourse be a little discomfiture, for example in the restricted view of the specs or the necessity to daily clean the lenses. But people can become accustomed to this lifestyle after some time. As for me, I was thinking of taking the full dosage itself because anyway it was the theoretical goal of my doctor to keep me sustained on valp forever. And I also saw that there is some basis to continuing it indefinitely because an event has happened in my life that has perhaps left an indelible impression on my brain. So, purely for the reason of not getting reactions from that reminder, it is advisable for me to take it always. And it will be some time, perhaps some 40 days for my body to get adjusted and stabilized to this dosage level. There might even come a time when I might not need this drug also if an event or events happen that may erase the past event from affecting me. I'm sure that an event or events that I will love is going to happen but I doubt if it can erase the past completely. So I would have to take the drug continually. It's fine.

Death of my father

When my father died some 9 years ago of heart attack, I could make no sense of it. I never expected it because he never showed any symptom of serious complications in his health. But he died a contented man having married off my sister to a good guy and having settled me and my mother in a good home. I never even cried. I don't know why. I don't think I was heartless but I was under depression and had no idea of what was happening. In the early morning, he had asked my mother to get me when I was still sleeping. When I went and saw him lying with eyes closed, I thought he was resting and I went to get a doctor. But I think my mother knew that he had died already. And when the doctor said that he has died, I couldn't believe it. I just did whatever was to be done. Later, my mom told me that during my sister's marriage, he had told that now that her marriage is over, he will try to find me a job. I'm sure that he is in heaven now because he was a wonderful person. He never once doubted my love for him though he was pained by my cocky nature. The other day my ex-neighbour uncle told me that God will not be keeping me alive for even a second more if I was not serving some purpose. By that logic, I can say surely that my father did everything before he left. I love you father.

The problem with cockroaches like me

You take them out into the sunlight and they come back to darkness.

I don't know how much tax payers money is being spent on me and I really find myself thoroughly useless. It's dragging on and on and I need some rest without feeling guilty. I suppose that is not possible and so I'm trying to pull myself to work slowly.

An Appeal

Okay, buddy and buddies...I know that you are reading my blogs...even reading this as I type.

Okay...I don't want to digress. You may or may not hate me but I always regard you as my equal and friend. I don't blame you for loathing me and some of you loathe those around me. Even my friends don't like me 100% and neither do all of you hate me 100%. Let's all forget this. I'm really sorry for being an arsehole and I request you to forgive me and those who are rallying around me. They will not hurt you unless you provoke them and I'm sure they just want to live a peaceful life as well. I don't care about whatever new world order there is and I'm sure you also don't care. Maybe this will be the ending of a life's dream or ambition for you. Maybe not. But I can tell you that I have been through such a loss 16 years back. Yes, it's Varusham 16 for me. But today I have come to believe that there exists something more than such a passionate love. For me it was a girl. For you, it may be power or intelligence or creativity or whatever. You don't have to go through 16 years to regain what you are willing to sacrifice for peace and love. If you let go, the world will return it back some time. You will also get the bonus of the love of everyone along with it. :-)

What I really want and need

As soon as the New Year 2011 begins, I wish to go back to my life I led some 16-17 years ago. What I was then is the real me and not all these things that I wear for the time being for whatever reasons. I don't want to wear some mask or avatar. I wish my friends to relieve whatever conceptions they have of me and give me a peaceful retirement back to my old self. Ofcourse as my old neighbour told me a couple of days back, it is not advisable to eat a stale idli that was meant for breakfast, at supper. I don't want and can't have the same life I had back then, the reason being that if it was really the one for me, I would not have lost it. I'm open to a new dish or life and maybe even a fresh idli or girl friend. This is the only request I make to my friends and I have absolute belief that this will stop all the madness that is there around me now.