I might start writing again and finish up the novel. It looks to me that it is half-way through. Like till now it was Part 1 and from now on Part 2. I'm also starting my job life from today. In 2 months, I will have stabilized and after 4 months further, I may be out of my medicines completely decreasing 250mg with every monthly visit. It's fuzzy but there is not much trouble also. The advantage in the initial stages of a disease is that improvements can be measured accurately and dosages decreased predictably. The disadvantage is that the pain is great then. However when one comes to the fag end of the recovery, it's all fuzzy but then the pain is also almost negligible. It might seem like just as one reaches a mile-stone and starts celebrating the end of the journey that a new mile-stone, more subtle, is set up. This is understandable because the recovery from a disease is like peeling of an onion...when one layer is cleared, the next one more subtle appears. So this is a gradual process and requires patience till one reaches the center or root. I guess it's worth the wait and trouble and anyway there doesn't seem to be any other choice. There will be times when one wonders if one is getting out or to the contrary and one's horror, getting more into the pit of quicksand. These are mere thoughts and do not help if one indulges in it. Thoughts have no power of it's own and it gains strength or disappears into nothingness depending on the indulgence of the thinker. Habits die hard and within a habit, there are many tendencies, each of which has to strengthen or die down. Since at the innermost core of the brain, messages are processed only one thing at a time, all these tendencies are changed one by one. This is why the changes are gradual.

Today I finished hearing all those charama slokams. Like the Amrutanjan strong for headache, I guess it has had some effect on my recovery. I don't know. Atleast I did like to believe so. I went to my psychiatrist and he asked me to continue taking Valp as usual. He said that I can take for 2 months before reducing, if possible. Thankfully, he didn't say that it was mandatory for me to take it the rest of my life. He also accepted my idea that if some nice things turn up in my romantic life and if I can feel some sort of security, I wouldn't need to take even that dosage. He indicated to me that once I was taking 5 medicines in the morning and 5 in the evening. So I have come a long way.

When I escaped from Archana, I fell into the darkness of Pravda. Mind you, I'm not complaining about either Archana or Pravda. They are both important parts of my life. Today, I'm out of both of them, atleast in the sense of any direct link with them.

I really don't know what to say about my actions. To some, I might be a hero and to the rest, a villian. To me, I'm just what I used to be all along. I understand that I have ruffled too many feathers but the law of karma is such that everyone is responsible for his or her own good or bad. Maybe I was just a tool. There are those who used me as a pit bull and also those who used me as a shield and as also those who used me as a barbie and as also as those who used me a dildo. I have no regrets in being used because I liked the attention I have got. But when the attention becomes such that I'm made as some sort of super-human...not that my instinct was to complain...but people start resenting it and I lose friends. I have repeatedly told time and again that I'm just a guy next door and it is my wish to be left like that. If people still doubt me, I'm sorry to say that it is not going to affect me but them. While I'm still a guy next door, I have gone through enough to withstand anything coming my way. I do not want to be a xerox of some movie hero or god or whatever but the original me. If you want to screw with Krishna, find His idol at a Hare Krishna temple and if you want me to show my other cheek like Jesus, go to a sucker on the street. Okay...I'm not entirely innocent but I want you to understand one thing well for your own sake. When people go to Thirupathi and worship and worship the idol, it is the people who are important and not the idol. The people who I came across were all great people who put their faith in me and transformed me into something big. I used to ask my mom why she paid more attention instead of my sis. She said that I was the weaker of the two and hence needed more attention. In Pravda too, the same thing happened. I don't say this from humility because I'm tired of being self-righteous. To this day, I have no idea if I'm really perfect in anything. There are those who is the best cricketer, the most handsome, the most attractive etc. Maybe others too don't know what they are perfect in. Whatever it is, if you people can see me as you first saw me in Pravda, be my friend in FB. Otherwise, you are as good as non-existent in my life. Look, I have gone through a lot. You cannot understand what is happening in my mind. I'm like a wild animal that has entered by mistake into a village and wishing to escape. In a way, it is a little bit different in the sense that I'm a tamed animal that entered into the wild and wishes to escape from the jungle. However, there is one thing I want to mention. Since I have started or made to start some things, I cannot leave those things just like THAT. I do not care much for myself because I'm well insulated but there are those who are dependent on me whom I need to guide to safety till they can look after themselves. So, if you meddle with me till then, I will crap your shit out and make no mistake, I mean it. And I do not care who you are. It looks like 2 months to me but then don't worry about numbers. I also love you who ever you are because frankly I have no other choice. I write this in the full knowledge of karma that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Have a nice day and all the best.

Henchard's will

That Elizabeth-Jane Farfrae be not told of my death, or made to grieve on account of me. And that I be not bury’d in consecrated ground. And that no sexton be asked to toll the bell. And that nobody is wished to see my dead body. And that no murners walk behind me at my funeral. And that no flours be planted on my grave. And that no man remember me. ~ The Mayor of Casterbridge

Tidbits from the old school

When I entered the new school, Hindu Senior Secondary School, at Indra Nagar, in 1993, I wanted to dump my sorry past at the old one (HSSS at Triplicane). In the new one, no one knew me except for Lakshmi. Ofcourse, she was the last person I would have wanted to be in the new school but then after getting refused twice, I just couldn't love her any more.

The Vice-Principal was like any other teacher when I first saw him. He was teaching Physics along with being the VP. He looked smart and I don't know whether this was because of dealing with Nuclear Physics in our syllabus, he was edgy. I had carried a few habits and skills from the old school, one of which was to impress my girl with whatever skill I had in the class. While in the old school, it was reading out poems, in the new one, I wanted to answer the questions that my teachers put forward. So there I was in the physics class before the VP, my classmates and ofcourse Archana. The VP asked questions and I answered. The others didn't answer and I thought they were not as studious as I was. But then the VP asked questions to the class and he himself answered to the class. Later, a friend pulled me aside and asked me, "Are you nuts? Why are you answering him? He never even listens to what you say." And he can get annoyed. Then, I saw that some of the guys were fearing the VP and finding him a nutty professor.

Then, the VP asked in the class if anyone could help him out in writing some notes for him that the which can be xeroxed and distributed to the whole class. Otherwise each one of the class had to prepare the notes separately. Well, the Don Quixote that I was, I volunteered when all of the others didn't move an inch. Actually, I had a beautiful hand-writing then, copying it from sister's style. Maybe I was peacocking but I wanted Archana to get to know something of me and so I wrote those notes. It wasn't a big deal and it even clarified some concepts for me but my satisfaction came from the idea that Archana will be using those notes all through the year. The VP didn't thank me much for the services I had rendered but anyway I could not have expected it from him because I had written it for Archana than for him. To him, I was non-existent and sadly he was lost in a world of his own. But he was not as odd as my Chemistry teacher, who many considered a psycho. Back then, I never had an idea of depression and so I just thought that these people were just having different personalities.

Dear Santa...

Damn it...it's as if anything I do can have some effect, maybe positive and/or negative. I just want the action to die down into emptiness and not have any reactions. Here too comes the saying that all karmas are binding unless performed in the spirit of sacrifice. I'm not even liking these wise stuff any more and I just want to live with common sense. Anyway, I'm going in that direction only. I do believe that I'm making progress but sometimes the effects are not at all perceivable and I wonder if I'm a big mistake. I know that this negative thinking doesn't help in any way and I just have to pull through after taking rest every now and then.

Okay...let's see what I wish from Santaclaus. I need only 2 things...understanding from those around me and a girl destined for me, in that order. Perhaps these 2 things will remove the psychosis and depression, respectively. Maybe this is a tall order. But for one thing, in both the cases, I don't think I can do anything about it. I cannot relate well enough to people to explain myself and I have no idea who my girl is.

Okay..let's change topic and I will post something on romantic love. Please don't take this as another narcissit post. I'm just finding some hormonal imbalance, maybe...lol

About Archana...it was really not love at first sight. Not even love at second sight, third sight etc. But when I saw her, I found her very beautiful. She is the kind of beauty that no man can actually possess. The kind of beauty that one can watch from a distance but get hurt if one wanted to go near. Her beauty is like that of Ingrid Bergman or Madhubala or Kushboo or a 1% of the female population. She can be like a Goddess in the temple but never in the heart of a man. And what to say if you want to have sex with such a one...it's a sure recipe for disaster. But she was not intelligent. Actually she was the typical beauty without brains. But what compensated her lack of brains was her good nature. Initially I thought she was faking it so that everyone thought nice of her. Then one-day I saw her from the window of the bus. She stood there, tranquil as an angel. It was then that I lost my heart or may be I decided to lose my heart. I knew then that she was indeed a wonderful girl. And on that night, I had a dream of her. Only 3 girls have come in my dreams till now. One was Lakshmi, another was Archana and the 3rd is someone I'm still in touch with now but whose face or figure I could not even understand clearly...lol. But there is a tragedy in tall the 3 dreams in that in all the 3, the girls never mixed or mingled with me. So, going from the past 2 failures and the 3rd also portending a failure even if in the wildest of possibilities a relationship does get formed, my romantic love life is buried inside concrete. To be honest, I'm even scared to enjoy some romance because it might go against love for some other. In the Kalyana Malai song in Pudhu Pudhu Arthangal, there is the line, 'Azhagana manaivi, Anbana thunaivi, amaindhale perinbame.' Archana was both beautiful and kind but unfortunately her kindness was directed more towards her family. Anyway, past is past. Her good nature rubbed onto me to some extent

The rise and fall of Avatars

If in Bhagavad Gita, Krishna portrays Himself as Sakalakalavallavan (master of all trades), Shri Vaishnavism takes Narayana to the extreme. Atleast in the Bhagavad Gita, souls had some role to play. But in SV, well...sorry to say...souls are as good as dead. It's as if when Narayana is allowed to make love, the souls have to be satisfied with just masturbation...lol. And, even the masturbation is supposed to be for the pleasure of Narayana (maybe He hides and watches them doing it). LOL

Okay...this is all crazy. Kannaal kaanbathum poi, kaadhaal ketpadhum poi. Theera visaarippadhe mei. (What all is seen by the eyes is false. What all is heard by the ears is false. Only the indepth investigation is the truth.)

When people have Upanyasams that are extreme, no wonder there is a lot of violence. These Upanyasams no doubt contain invaluable truths but when wrong words or phrases are used, it entirely changes the meaning and desired effect. These Upanyasams can easily be misused like how some use the promise of 72 virgins for jihadis or when Jesus says that He has come with a sword etc.

These flaming verses and quotes that are there in the different religions are also because of Karma. A verse that was told in some context thousands of years back is interpreted the same way as if things haven't changed. Sure, something is constant always which no one can explain with words on which everything in the universe moves about and is based on. In this respect, the Muslims are a little fortunate because they do not worship a form. Ofcourse their insistence that God neither gets born nor dies to negate the possibility of avatars is erroneous because even the Hindus say that the soul is not born or dies.

There is a very important concept, if not the most important concept, pertaining to avatar. It is this...is there an unique soul, different from all other souls, called Narayana that gets born in every age as an avatar or does every soul one-day becomes an avatar? The answer is that the 2nd statement is correct. Below is the reason...

I have heard in SV supporting the 1st statement but it is erroneous. In the 5th verse of 4th chapter of the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna says that He knows all of His births but that Arjuna doesn't know. By differentiating Himself from Arjuna this way, it can be interpreted that Krishna and Arjuna maintain this status quo always. But I have 2 arguments against this, the 1st from my own understanding which is based on evolutionary principles and the 2nd from the avatara puranas itself. The correct way to interpret what Krishna said in the above verse is that, Krishna has evolved 100% and hence knows all of the stages or births He has gone through while Arjuna is still evolving and cannot know the future stages or births to perfection. The 2nd argument from the avatara puranas is this...Rama did not become an avatar till He met the Parasurama avatar. This means that Rama was still evolving while Parasurama was already an avatar and they both were two different souls. And when they met, the role just got passed on from one to the other like in a relay race.

The error in the Hare Krishnas is that they elevate an avatar to the status of God. Doing it makes Narasimha no different than Hiranyakashipu because even Hiranyakashipu wanted to rule everyone. Vishnu means All-Pervading and this simple meaning must not be unnecessarily complicated intellectually.

What's the solution, Honey?

Only time will tell. But while we are waiting, we may as well take rest and let time do the healing.