It's easy to go out and talk wonderful things on a social network, like I have been doing for a long time. Talks like peace, happiness, joy, beauty, creativity etc. Actually when many friends come together like this, they are really sincere in living happily together. But then, slowly one by one the same old problems start coming out of the closest. A doesn't like being classified in a group he presently belongs to, B is unhappy with the job life, C is still having a broken relationship, D has to deal with a sick person at home etc. So these talks promise a lot of things but if one keeps hugging and sending gifts, who is going to give the energy to hug or the cash to buy those gifts? That is why such social networks must never become an addiction.
One must master the skill to shut-down oneself time and again from these things. Eventually, the last shut down will be one's own life. It looks scary initially and sometimes a little difficult to do, but unless one goes to sleep peacefully on one day, the next day is sure to get spoilt. With every shut-down, a lot of waste gets eliminated so that fresh ones can be taken in the next time. Even when someone kills himself or herself this way, it cannot be called a suicide in the normal sense of the word. It's because in the normal sense a suicide is committed, the person is overwhelmed by his or her circumstances and tries to escape an abnormal situation. Someone following the scriptures may object that this is against religion. The scriptures say that death has to occur by nature or God but a soul is itself a part of the nature or God. But for someone to self-destruct, he or she has to be a very advanced person...Bhishma had this capacity to die at his own decided time. Death may sound gloomy but it is the purifier of earth. Otherwise life on earth will become a stale pond instead of a fresh running water.
Initially, the idea of death brings a panic reaction but over time, people get used to it and towards the end, start welcoming it. They understand that they are only exchanging the old for a better new one. Little incidents in life start removing their fear of the impending death. For example, when one shuts down the computer or retires from a job or the daughter gets married off to another or when they come out of a major surgery etc. All these aid in understanding life and death better.
It's as important to be firm enough with oneself to leave the party in the middle gracefully even when others are dancing as it is to make a grand entrance at the exact minute. Otherwise, the party next day gets affected.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Witnessed at the beach today
அவன் தான் ஒரு பேமானி Bike வசான்னா, நீயும் வெக்கணுமா?
"Avan thaan oru Baemaani Bike vechaannaa, neeyum vekkanumaa?!"
"If he only, a #$%^&*(~ kept the Bike there, do you also have to keep it?"
சாரிங்க, தெறியல...ஏன் இத இவ்ளவு Indecentஆ சொல்றேங்க? "Sorrynga, theriyala...yaen idha ivallavu Indecenta solarenga?"
"Sorry mam, didn't know...why are you telling this so Indecently?"
LOL
The talk was between a corporation worker and a young stud who parked his bike where cars are supposed to be parked.
It was funny because these people don't mince words in expressing themselves and the young man was himself nice. It's the clash of classes where the worker was merely frustrated and irritated by these young, spoilt and rich kids to whom the Elliots Beach is a place for having fun without any strings attached.
But the beach will not be what it is without these two types of people. While the beach will start stinking within a day if these workers go on a strike, the affluent sections provide a rosy picture of merry all around. I guess it is the same with life too.
Looked as if there was an angel missing at the beach today.
I went and played at the Badminton court today. Not bad...I got the hang of it after 5 minutes. I lost 2 games and won 1. But that's okay. There were a couple of girls there with whom I played but they were too young for me though they looked nice. I had to learn the rules of the game since it was a little different from tennis. At the end of the day, I still didn't remember all the rules since I had played a long time back but it didn't matter much. The first game we won and in the next 2 games, I became a wee-bit pre-occupied with trying to win. in the 1st game, I played more for the joy of being there in that atmosphere. In the next 2 games, I started analyzing which technique I should use to play, like I used to strategize in tennis. So my natural flow was lost. The same old dilemma also returned...whether to play for winning or enjoying the atmosphere or perfecting the game or stick to the issues that I'm dealing with in life. finally, there was no focus on anything like being in the no-man's land, and I couldn't play well. But it didn't matter and if not fully, I achieved to some extent all those things. I have to get this dilemma of not knowing the reason for playing the game. Generally, it is easy at the start because one has neither won nor lost. But when one has started winning or losing, then it affects the motive. I will have to buy a racquet but I'm not going to do so immediately since my reputation at home as bread-winner recently isn't really at a all-time high. Today, the club manager lent me his racquet. And I had to look at him guiltily a couple of times I hit the racquet on the floor. I will also not join on a monthly basis but rather pay on a daily basis whenever I go to play there.
I'm keeping Maam Yekam Sharanam Vraja in my mind. Well..that is the reality I want to create for myself though i understand only vaguely and even when it means different things at different points of time. But I believe that in any such phrases or proverbs or commandment, there is an underlying truth that is stable even when the surface looks contradictory, hazy and what not. The mind is a funny thing in that even if it is given a precise explanation of something, it tries to find some loose end and escape. I have stopped trying to find precise meanings for these truths in the full confidence that the message is loud and clear to my unconscious.
"Avan thaan oru Baemaani Bike vechaannaa, neeyum vekkanumaa?!"
"If he only, a #$%^&*(~ kept the Bike there, do you also have to keep it?"
சாரிங்க, தெறியல...ஏன் இத இவ்ளவு Indecentஆ சொல்றேங்க? "Sorrynga, theriyala...yaen idha ivallavu Indecenta solarenga?"
"Sorry mam, didn't know...why are you telling this so Indecently?"
LOL
The talk was between a corporation worker and a young stud who parked his bike where cars are supposed to be parked.
It was funny because these people don't mince words in expressing themselves and the young man was himself nice. It's the clash of classes where the worker was merely frustrated and irritated by these young, spoilt and rich kids to whom the Elliots Beach is a place for having fun without any strings attached.
But the beach will not be what it is without these two types of people. While the beach will start stinking within a day if these workers go on a strike, the affluent sections provide a rosy picture of merry all around. I guess it is the same with life too.
Looked as if there was an angel missing at the beach today.
I went and played at the Badminton court today. Not bad...I got the hang of it after 5 minutes. I lost 2 games and won 1. But that's okay. There were a couple of girls there with whom I played but they were too young for me though they looked nice. I had to learn the rules of the game since it was a little different from tennis. At the end of the day, I still didn't remember all the rules since I had played a long time back but it didn't matter much. The first game we won and in the next 2 games, I became a wee-bit pre-occupied with trying to win. in the 1st game, I played more for the joy of being there in that atmosphere. In the next 2 games, I started analyzing which technique I should use to play, like I used to strategize in tennis. So my natural flow was lost. The same old dilemma also returned...whether to play for winning or enjoying the atmosphere or perfecting the game or stick to the issues that I'm dealing with in life. finally, there was no focus on anything like being in the no-man's land, and I couldn't play well. But it didn't matter and if not fully, I achieved to some extent all those things. I have to get this dilemma of not knowing the reason for playing the game. Generally, it is easy at the start because one has neither won nor lost. But when one has started winning or losing, then it affects the motive. I will have to buy a racquet but I'm not going to do so immediately since my reputation at home as bread-winner recently isn't really at a all-time high. Today, the club manager lent me his racquet. And I had to look at him guiltily a couple of times I hit the racquet on the floor. I will also not join on a monthly basis but rather pay on a daily basis whenever I go to play there.
I'm keeping Maam Yekam Sharanam Vraja in my mind. Well..that is the reality I want to create for myself though i understand only vaguely and even when it means different things at different points of time. But I believe that in any such phrases or proverbs or commandment, there is an underlying truth that is stable even when the surface looks contradictory, hazy and what not. The mind is a funny thing in that even if it is given a precise explanation of something, it tries to find some loose end and escape. I have stopped trying to find precise meanings for these truths in the full confidence that the message is loud and clear to my unconscious.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Difference between dependence, liabiity and independence
We are all social creatures. Not a single entity in the universe, whether it be a blade of grass or a street dog or a man in society can live fully independent. It is also true that not a single entity can give all of the necessities of another entity, whether it is a man-woman, father-son or friend-friend relationship. Good relationships and I mean relationships that everyone expects to succeed, like in the movies or the novels, the ones with the tag '...and they happily lived ever after.' break-up for this reason only. There is no inherent error in the participants because whatever the lapses are could be forgiven with some understanding. But then, the participants expect more and more from each other and this then leads the relationship to become a liability. One drops the other in horror because he or she knows that the needs cannot be fulfilled alone. But since one is bound by the vows taken when the relationship started, one goes on only as long as the basic commitments are met, like for example in a marriage, paying whatever alimony. After that comes independence, but even here caution is needed because it's impossibly difficult to live a lonely life. So one still interacts with those related before but this time one looks into the self that is beneath their exterior. Such a self may look a little boring or bland or imperceptible, but it is nevertheless there and it is the only one with which one can truly bond. There is freedom and ease in loving such a self because it doesn't make any demands, being self-content. This is what people say as detached love.
Why self-love is better than self-sacrifice
Let's be clear at the outset that self-love is not selfishness. It's because self-love appreciates oneself not at the cost of others as selfishness does.
Self-sacrifice is also different from self-crucification. It's because self-sacrifice brings about some good for another while self-crucification is done without any benefit to another.
So then let's compare self-love and self-sacrifice. It is seen quite clearly that no beggar can give to another beggar, unless ofcourse he has some excess of what he has received and his own hunger is satisfied. That is why it is said that charity begins at home. If one is always wretched, one cannot focus on helping another. He or she will infact be a burden to the other. However, when one feels joyous, it spreads across his or her environment without even any effort on the part of the person. Note that self-love doesn't mean self-indulgence in material things. Self-love doesn't mean that one goes immediately on a spending spree or book a yacht or take a stunning mate to the bed. It means a little of those things as material things are a medium of happiness but more importantly, it means not condemning oneself with guilt feelings or self-harm or resisting grace or saying no to the free blessings available all around.
Having said that, let's take self-sacrifice. Sure, self-sacrifice is a very noble and good thing. There is only one problem with it...it is not something that one wants to keep doing all eternity. If one has decided to live happily all eternity, one doesn't want to keep subjecting oneself to repeated sacrifices that are painful. There is always an element of pain in sacrifice and so if one keeps sacrificing all eternity, then one has to also keep experiencing these pains all eternity. Then, does it mean that sacrifices has no value? It has,only to the extent that on gets out of the grip of the worldly life. A space shuttle keeps sacrificing only till it reaches the geo-stationary orbit. Once there, it doesn't need to give up anything more. Then there comes the most important question that anyone who has seen it all in his or her life...if I don't sacrifice, who is going to take care of those responsibilities like looking after my spouse or driving my car or not having the roof fall on my head? The answer is...one has to do these sacrifices as long as one gets into the geo-stationary orbit. When one gets into it, then one gets into auto-pilot. It's easy to understand...for example, when one learns to play tennis, one consciously and with some discomfort learns the strokes, then it becomes a habit but still one may be uneasy and finally it becomes second nature without any stress whatsoever. Life is more complex but the same principle operates. In life's journey, one has to keep shedding the unnecessary things as and when required. This requires some care or focus or attention in the initial stages. Then one enters into the meditative phase where it isn't difficult to shed worldly things but worries will still be there. At this stage, there is no other option but to patiently experience these worries instead of escaping or denying their existence. What are these worries? They are nothing but your own little worldly life (the cells in your body) scared that you are abandoning it for something higher. When you got into this worldly life, you added these onto you thinking that they were all there is to you. Now, when you have realized that you belong to something bigger, you are neglecting these closest buddies for no fault of theirs. So, you need to acknowledge them, remove their fears (for they depend on you for their existence) and finally when the time is right, say goodbye in a peaceful manner. Then you can enter into the auto-pilot and be relieved of all worldly cares for both yourself and those around you. The 3 stages are Dharana, Dhyana and Samadhi.
Anyway, when one is liberated, one will be still acting or doing things but it will not be some painful sacrifice. It will be an enjoyable duty.
So, if someone asks you to sacrifice your life for your country, enquire first if there is the option of living for your country.
Self-sacrifice is also different from self-crucification. It's because self-sacrifice brings about some good for another while self-crucification is done without any benefit to another.
So then let's compare self-love and self-sacrifice. It is seen quite clearly that no beggar can give to another beggar, unless ofcourse he has some excess of what he has received and his own hunger is satisfied. That is why it is said that charity begins at home. If one is always wretched, one cannot focus on helping another. He or she will infact be a burden to the other. However, when one feels joyous, it spreads across his or her environment without even any effort on the part of the person. Note that self-love doesn't mean self-indulgence in material things. Self-love doesn't mean that one goes immediately on a spending spree or book a yacht or take a stunning mate to the bed. It means a little of those things as material things are a medium of happiness but more importantly, it means not condemning oneself with guilt feelings or self-harm or resisting grace or saying no to the free blessings available all around.
Having said that, let's take self-sacrifice. Sure, self-sacrifice is a very noble and good thing. There is only one problem with it...it is not something that one wants to keep doing all eternity. If one has decided to live happily all eternity, one doesn't want to keep subjecting oneself to repeated sacrifices that are painful. There is always an element of pain in sacrifice and so if one keeps sacrificing all eternity, then one has to also keep experiencing these pains all eternity. Then, does it mean that sacrifices has no value? It has,only to the extent that on gets out of the grip of the worldly life. A space shuttle keeps sacrificing only till it reaches the geo-stationary orbit. Once there, it doesn't need to give up anything more. Then there comes the most important question that anyone who has seen it all in his or her life...if I don't sacrifice, who is going to take care of those responsibilities like looking after my spouse or driving my car or not having the roof fall on my head? The answer is...one has to do these sacrifices as long as one gets into the geo-stationary orbit. When one gets into it, then one gets into auto-pilot. It's easy to understand...for example, when one learns to play tennis, one consciously and with some discomfort learns the strokes, then it becomes a habit but still one may be uneasy and finally it becomes second nature without any stress whatsoever. Life is more complex but the same principle operates. In life's journey, one has to keep shedding the unnecessary things as and when required. This requires some care or focus or attention in the initial stages. Then one enters into the meditative phase where it isn't difficult to shed worldly things but worries will still be there. At this stage, there is no other option but to patiently experience these worries instead of escaping or denying their existence. What are these worries? They are nothing but your own little worldly life (the cells in your body) scared that you are abandoning it for something higher. When you got into this worldly life, you added these onto you thinking that they were all there is to you. Now, when you have realized that you belong to something bigger, you are neglecting these closest buddies for no fault of theirs. So, you need to acknowledge them, remove their fears (for they depend on you for their existence) and finally when the time is right, say goodbye in a peaceful manner. Then you can enter into the auto-pilot and be relieved of all worldly cares for both yourself and those around you. The 3 stages are Dharana, Dhyana and Samadhi.
Anyway, when one is liberated, one will be still acting or doing things but it will not be some painful sacrifice. It will be an enjoyable duty.
So, if someone asks you to sacrifice your life for your country, enquire first if there is the option of living for your country.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I might start writing again and finish up the novel. It looks to me that it is half-way through. Like till now it was Part 1 and from now on Part 2. I'm also starting my job life from today. In 2 months, I will have stabilized and after 4 months further, I may be out of my medicines completely decreasing 250mg with every monthly visit. It's fuzzy but there is not much trouble also. The advantage in the initial stages of a disease is that improvements can be measured accurately and dosages decreased predictably. The disadvantage is that the pain is great then. However when one comes to the fag end of the recovery, it's all fuzzy but then the pain is also almost negligible. It might seem like just as one reaches a mile-stone and starts celebrating the end of the journey that a new mile-stone, more subtle, is set up. This is understandable because the recovery from a disease is like peeling of an onion...when one layer is cleared, the next one more subtle appears. So this is a gradual process and requires patience till one reaches the center or root. I guess it's worth the wait and trouble and anyway there doesn't seem to be any other choice. There will be times when one wonders if one is getting out or to the contrary and one's horror, getting more into the pit of quicksand. These are mere thoughts and do not help if one indulges in it. Thoughts have no power of it's own and it gains strength or disappears into nothingness depending on the indulgence of the thinker. Habits die hard and within a habit, there are many tendencies, each of which has to strengthen or die down. Since at the innermost core of the brain, messages are processed only one thing at a time, all these tendencies are changed one by one. This is why the changes are gradual.
Today I finished hearing all those charama slokams. Like the Amrutanjan strong for headache, I guess it has had some effect on my recovery. I don't know. Atleast I did like to believe so. I went to my psychiatrist and he asked me to continue taking Valp as usual. He said that I can take for 2 months before reducing, if possible. Thankfully, he didn't say that it was mandatory for me to take it the rest of my life. He also accepted my idea that if some nice things turn up in my romantic life and if I can feel some sort of security, I wouldn't need to take even that dosage. He indicated to me that once I was taking 5 medicines in the morning and 5 in the evening. So I have come a long way.
When I escaped from Archana, I fell into the darkness of Pravda. Mind you, I'm not complaining about either Archana or Pravda. They are both important parts of my life. Today, I'm out of both of them, atleast in the sense of any direct link with them.
I really don't know what to say about my actions. To some, I might be a hero and to the rest, a villian. To me, I'm just what I used to be all along. I understand that I have ruffled too many feathers but the law of karma is such that everyone is responsible for his or her own good or bad. Maybe I was just a tool. There are those who used me as a pit bull and also those who used me as a shield and as also those who used me as a barbie and as also as those who used me a dildo. I have no regrets in being used because I liked the attention I have got. But when the attention becomes such that I'm made as some sort of super-human...not that my instinct was to complain...but people start resenting it and I lose friends. I have repeatedly told time and again that I'm just a guy next door and it is my wish to be left like that. If people still doubt me, I'm sorry to say that it is not going to affect me but them. While I'm still a guy next door, I have gone through enough to withstand anything coming my way. I do not want to be a xerox of some movie hero or god or whatever but the original me. If you want to screw with Krishna, find His idol at a Hare Krishna temple and if you want me to show my other cheek like Jesus, go to a sucker on the street. Okay...I'm not entirely innocent but I want you to understand one thing well for your own sake. When people go to Thirupathi and worship and worship the idol, it is the people who are important and not the idol. The people who I came across were all great people who put their faith in me and transformed me into something big. I used to ask my mom why she paid more attention instead of my sis. She said that I was the weaker of the two and hence needed more attention. In Pravda too, the same thing happened. I don't say this from humility because I'm tired of being self-righteous. To this day, I have no idea if I'm really perfect in anything. There are those who is the best cricketer, the most handsome, the most attractive etc. Maybe others too don't know what they are perfect in. Whatever it is, if you people can see me as you first saw me in Pravda, be my friend in FB. Otherwise, you are as good as non-existent in my life. Look, I have gone through a lot. You cannot understand what is happening in my mind. I'm like a wild animal that has entered by mistake into a village and wishing to escape. In a way, it is a little bit different in the sense that I'm a tamed animal that entered into the wild and wishes to escape from the jungle. However, there is one thing I want to mention. Since I have started or made to start some things, I cannot leave those things just like THAT. I do not care much for myself because I'm well insulated but there are those who are dependent on me whom I need to guide to safety till they can look after themselves. So, if you meddle with me till then, I will crap your shit out and make no mistake, I mean it. And I do not care who you are. It looks like 2 months to me but then don't worry about numbers. I also love you who ever you are because frankly I have no other choice. I write this in the full knowledge of karma that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Have a nice day and all the best.
When I escaped from Archana, I fell into the darkness of Pravda. Mind you, I'm not complaining about either Archana or Pravda. They are both important parts of my life. Today, I'm out of both of them, atleast in the sense of any direct link with them.
I really don't know what to say about my actions. To some, I might be a hero and to the rest, a villian. To me, I'm just what I used to be all along. I understand that I have ruffled too many feathers but the law of karma is such that everyone is responsible for his or her own good or bad. Maybe I was just a tool. There are those who used me as a pit bull and also those who used me as a shield and as also those who used me as a barbie and as also as those who used me a dildo. I have no regrets in being used because I liked the attention I have got. But when the attention becomes such that I'm made as some sort of super-human...not that my instinct was to complain...but people start resenting it and I lose friends. I have repeatedly told time and again that I'm just a guy next door and it is my wish to be left like that. If people still doubt me, I'm sorry to say that it is not going to affect me but them. While I'm still a guy next door, I have gone through enough to withstand anything coming my way. I do not want to be a xerox of some movie hero or god or whatever but the original me. If you want to screw with Krishna, find His idol at a Hare Krishna temple and if you want me to show my other cheek like Jesus, go to a sucker on the street. Okay...I'm not entirely innocent but I want you to understand one thing well for your own sake. When people go to Thirupathi and worship and worship the idol, it is the people who are important and not the idol. The people who I came across were all great people who put their faith in me and transformed me into something big. I used to ask my mom why she paid more attention instead of my sis. She said that I was the weaker of the two and hence needed more attention. In Pravda too, the same thing happened. I don't say this from humility because I'm tired of being self-righteous. To this day, I have no idea if I'm really perfect in anything. There are those who is the best cricketer, the most handsome, the most attractive etc. Maybe others too don't know what they are perfect in. Whatever it is, if you people can see me as you first saw me in Pravda, be my friend in FB. Otherwise, you are as good as non-existent in my life. Look, I have gone through a lot. You cannot understand what is happening in my mind. I'm like a wild animal that has entered by mistake into a village and wishing to escape. In a way, it is a little bit different in the sense that I'm a tamed animal that entered into the wild and wishes to escape from the jungle. However, there is one thing I want to mention. Since I have started or made to start some things, I cannot leave those things just like THAT. I do not care much for myself because I'm well insulated but there are those who are dependent on me whom I need to guide to safety till they can look after themselves. So, if you meddle with me till then, I will crap your shit out and make no mistake, I mean it. And I do not care who you are. It looks like 2 months to me but then don't worry about numbers. I also love you who ever you are because frankly I have no other choice. I write this in the full knowledge of karma that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Have a nice day and all the best.
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