Since there is a lot of Gita thinking in me because I have read a lot of times and also because it looks logical, there is one observation which I made and which i believe has changed now. It's not about a change of perception in the meaning but rather in how I correlated it with my own life.
Archana and Pravda were 2 big things in my life. In some sense, I equated them to Tamas (ignorance) and Rajas (passion) respectively and since Gita says that these 2 doesn't help, I could understand getting as far away as possible from both of them and be in Sattva (goodness). But then a couple of days back, I came across a change in this understanding. There was one more entity which I had not recognized and which was liking a issing piece that altered the understanding of my life. It is IIT. So then, IIT became my Tamas, Archana became my Rajas and Pravda became my Sattva. Basically, there is nothing wrong in all the 3 by themselves. I went after IIT because of my ego, went after Archana because of external beauty and found Pravda nice because I got attention. Putting in Hollywood terms, Pravda was good, Archana was bad and IIT was ugly. This is again subjective and some other will what I call bad as good etc. This understanding fits in with my own practical life because no matter how hard I have tried, I have not been able to let go some sort of contact with Pravda in the present. Archana is still there in my memory and I still show some interest in things related to IIT. It's said in the Gita that one transcends even the Sattva when one stays long enough there and reach Krishna. There is a lot of nature of Krishna in my counselor but ofcourse I don't mean to say that others don't have it. Eventually, Krishna is one's own self (not the ego).
After the fight that I had with my sister, I felt rotten (as usual). Even now I have a lot of resentment inside me. I know that i have got only what I have meted out to others but my life now is hardly what one can call a life, let alone a joyful one. I don't like anyone, I don't enjoy any pleasures, I have to do unpleasant work etc.. To move on, I accept that everything is fine on the basis of trust and let things settle down by itself. I live at the root or abyss of existence where alone I can find common ground with everyone else. Such a root or abyss is more a feeling than anything that the sense can perceive. Anything above that and there is bound to be disappointment, hurt and resentment. It's not exactly exciting but it is atleast real, safe and peaceful from which someday happiness can emerge. It is with such such an attitude that I look at my sister, nephew, the employer who rejected me today, the fully shaven guy I saw today etc.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Life in a Day
Started the day with a fight with my sister. I asked her to stop her nagging talks, especially directed at my mother. I told her that I will start earning in a month and that I'm not going to depend on her any more. I made a threat that I won't mind harming her if she crossed the line. It's sickening and I knew that letting out my anger is only going to come back to me. But I had had enough of her nagging. She took away my nephew thinking that I will harm him. I don't care much about not interacting with him because I don't like human interactions anymore. But even though he is a baby, he understood that something was amiss. I didn't very little with him today and I could see that he was feeling very hurt. He will get over it when his father meets him tomorrow. My sister mistakenly thinks that the boy belongs to her and I never loved him back of the relation. Oneday he will leave her as well. But till that time, let them have the joy that they deserve. Anyway, I was also not going to harm her but a little threat is enough to stop her constantly nagging my mother.
I went to a company for interview as a Technical Support Executive. I was shown the door in the 1st stage itself because while my tone and style of speech was right, my content or message was not good. Which was true and I guess I have learnt an important lesson in communication. It was the 1stinterview after a long time and I really had no idea what it was going to be like. also, when asked me to introduce about myself, i did not know that she was using it as a screening test. Damn these soft-skills. I prefer a hard-on.
Saw a man with all facial hair shaved, including the eyebrows, in the beach in my evening walk. I wondered if there was going to be some shoot out like the one recently in America. There is presently a 10 day long song and dance festival called Chennai Sangamam meaning "A Merger in Chennai" going there. But anyway nothing happened.
I went to a company for interview as a Technical Support Executive. I was shown the door in the 1st stage itself because while my tone and style of speech was right, my content or message was not good. Which was true and I guess I have learnt an important lesson in communication. It was the 1stinterview after a long time and I really had no idea what it was going to be like. also, when asked me to introduce about myself, i did not know that she was using it as a screening test. Damn these soft-skills. I prefer a hard-on.
Saw a man with all facial hair shaved, including the eyebrows, in the beach in my evening walk. I wondered if there was going to be some shoot out like the one recently in America. There is presently a 10 day long song and dance festival called Chennai Sangamam meaning "A Merger in Chennai" going there. But anyway nothing happened.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Crosin
Some time back, I had created a list of 4 steps to follow to recovery which I got from the way I get relieved from headaches. Those are 1)not interfering in unnecessary matters, 2)take rest, 3)listen to charam sloka and 4)continue taking the mood-stabilizing drug.
I have been able to do the first 3 with reasonable success. But I guess a little flaw seems to be there in the 4th because it doesn't help me in any way even though it keeps me going as I'm. Well..I'm really not sure but this seems to be the case. Since I have also become serious in my job and what stops me from going full throttle in my job is the tendency of resistance to change from the past, when i asked how to improve my wok life, he suggested that I do some affirmations. Now, I'm not comfortable writing my own affirmations and so when I looked for an outside source, the Bhagavad Gita was an obvious source. So I have decided to listen to a recording of some key verses that help me get over my static inertia daily in the morning for some 40 days. By then I will be reducing the drug intake as my doctor suggested and then afterwards, I will only not listen regularly but only whenever I do not wok properly, till the time when I will be totally out of my drug intake. I estimate this to be around less than 6 months. I think that the reason I'm still uncomfortable is because of the mood-stabilizer. It's because it gives me an artificial, although necessary, sense of security. While the drug shoots down 80-99% of the problems, the remaining manifests as a side-effect and problems seem to be there around me. The decrease in dosages later will be compensated y listening to those verses. I don't mean to say that someone can be normal only without any drug. My mom takes 10 tablet but yet she is alright. As the 2, the drug intake an the affirmation by the verses cancel each other, I will get out of the remaining depressive tendencies. Once I'm fully out after 6 months, I can interact normally and also start working true to my potential. I'm not creating another new milestone to escape facing something else. This looks very rational to me. Even though I have some doubts, I'm going to just follow with the confidence that even this doubt is addressed in the verses. The verses are incisive an effective which I expect to be the Crosin of the headache of depression.
I have been able to do the first 3 with reasonable success. But I guess a little flaw seems to be there in the 4th because it doesn't help me in any way even though it keeps me going as I'm. Well..I'm really not sure but this seems to be the case. Since I have also become serious in my job and what stops me from going full throttle in my job is the tendency of resistance to change from the past, when i asked how to improve my wok life, he suggested that I do some affirmations. Now, I'm not comfortable writing my own affirmations and so when I looked for an outside source, the Bhagavad Gita was an obvious source. So I have decided to listen to a recording of some key verses that help me get over my static inertia daily in the morning for some 40 days. By then I will be reducing the drug intake as my doctor suggested and then afterwards, I will only not listen regularly but only whenever I do not wok properly, till the time when I will be totally out of my drug intake. I estimate this to be around less than 6 months. I think that the reason I'm still uncomfortable is because of the mood-stabilizer. It's because it gives me an artificial, although necessary, sense of security. While the drug shoots down 80-99% of the problems, the remaining manifests as a side-effect and problems seem to be there around me. The decrease in dosages later will be compensated y listening to those verses. I don't mean to say that someone can be normal only without any drug. My mom takes 10 tablet but yet she is alright. As the 2, the drug intake an the affirmation by the verses cancel each other, I will get out of the remaining depressive tendencies. Once I'm fully out after 6 months, I can interact normally and also start working true to my potential. I'm not creating another new milestone to escape facing something else. This looks very rational to me. Even though I have some doubts, I'm going to just follow with the confidence that even this doubt is addressed in the verses. The verses are incisive an effective which I expect to be the Crosin of the headache of depression.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. - Anonymous quote
My job life is as clear as the vision in the night on a full moon night. I do not complain that I cannot walk under sunlight because it isn't necessary. I'm in the situation where I was a long time back in college.
It was the campus selection and there was a job that required clearing an aptitude test, a Group Discussion and an interview, after ofcourse a bit of initial screening by the college job coordinator. It was the time when Archana's parents refused us and I had to get back to Pune for my parents sake. When her father came to meet mine, he had said something like that the guy he had arranged the marriage for her with was a manager in a good company and I did not even have a job. It was a silly reason but anyway when I went back and I saw this job appearing in the list, I jumped in with the hope of securing it and thereby giving a reason for her father to accept me. It was a silly reaction as well from me because he already knew that I was an engineer and will get a good job. But I was doing all sorts of things to get her..including going to a five star hotel where I heard her would-be-husband was supposed to be a manager in and then finding out when I reached there that I had no idea of his name or even the name of the five star hotel in that locality.
Anyway...so there I was trying my best to get the job. Clearing the aptitude was easy because I was smarter than the average. When it came to the group discussion, 10 were there out of which 4 will be selected. The topic was this...planet earth was getting destroyed or something and we were all given a role each, like a priest, an astronaut, a pregnant woman etc. All of us had to discuss and reach a consensus on who will be the one to be chosen to go out in a waiting rocket to some other planet...a typical Hollywood script. We were each given 1 minute to present our case and 5 minutes for reaching the consensus. So we all did it for 10 minutes. For the next 5 minutes, the group discussion went. Everyone started arguing their and I sat there patiently waiting for my chance, partly from politeness and partly from not interrupting in the heated arguments. 2 guys formed quite a pair. The 2 guys belonged to the 4 who were evicted from the hostel in the 1st year when I had reported to the management when I was ragged. It was a mistake I made which I regretted and even went to withdraw it back. The Vice-Principal, who was an ex-army man, told me that he will throw me too out of the hostel and asked me to get out. At that time, I had just finished reading the Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. The strong sense of individuality portrayed in that novel combined with the success I had back then to make me egoistic, although I wasn't really aware. During the ragging, some 1st years were acting like 2nd years. I had even heard such a rumour before coming to the hostel. During the ragging, though I was scared stiff, I did not give in a bit, which literally startled those guys. It kind of became like reverse-ragging and while a couple of friends of mine did what those 10-15 said, I just refused. After a point, when I started enjoying the show, I participated a little but more in the sense of answering smart answers than being forced to do so. Finally, at the end of it, those guys revealed in good-nature that they were not seniors and that they were also freshers. Now, this struck a definite blow to my ego. I managed to appear cool and I soon forgot and became friends with many of them. I don't what really made me go and report the next day to the college but it looks to me like I was trying to be self-righteous but in effect, I was smarting the damage to my ego. I didn't even know what the consequence will be. The management got a few names in an adhoc manner and 4 guys got evicted. In that was one guy, I think his name was some Barua who had also joined my Petroleum branch, with whom I had got along very well and who didn't take part while the leader of the gang, Nathan, incidentally a Tamilian, got away. Nathan hanged around me all day long trying to say that all was alright and that I need not feel bad, but he was scared that he might be included in the list. This Barua, supposed to be a bright student flunk in the 1st year. All of them didn't show any anger towards me because they were decent and/or scared that it can only aggravate their situation. By then I had got a bad reputation in some parts of the college and some people saw me as a terror. Some of them over-estimated me as well but in one sense, I was better than them because I had to study harder here to get an engineering seat due to reservation system. My friend Rohit and a few others understood me better but I was the worst frin that any one could have back then. There was this another friend of mine Rakesh Ranjan who also joined in Petroleum Engineering. I had met him even before coming to the college when we both had applied and got the seat during the Pune govt.administrative selection process. I was always a financial wreck and used to borrow money from almost of my friends, even to the extent of losing some self-respect. Some of them initially were ready to give to a guy who had already become famous with the above stunt and things like having a girl friend back at in Chennai and supposed to be a scholar. Then they avoided lending me. I used to borrow from Rakesh and though he willingly gave every time, he said that I come to meet him only for asking money. Though I felt guilty, I used to shrug it off. I was studying for IIT entrance, in which I flunked. In the 2nd year I went to stay with him but then we both got into a fight, over some silly issue. It was however not for a funny reason...in the middle of the night when I had the urge to do some shaking job, I thought it was okay to do so in the room itself since it was dark and he was sleeping. But I had a doubt that he was still awake but then it was too late to stop my libido. He sprung up on his bed and looked at me for some time in almost darkness and I also watched him looking at me. Then he went back to sleep. I cursed a little but then I didn't care much. The next day he enquired about it and I had to confirm it. But this is not the reason for the fight. I think what contributed most was my egoistic behaviour and his caste complex. He was from the Yadav caste from Bihar. Unlike in Chennai, I think in his village, there is a lot of such differences. Honestly, I never discriminated him because of his caste. The way I contributed to the fight came more from my own egoism and he contributed from his inferiority complex from his social background. As for me, at that time, I was a zombie who didn't even love Archana truly. I just wanted to be a great scientist like Einstein. Neither was I living a happy life. I was trying to attempt to get into IIT after the 2nd year too. This put me in terrible pressure because on the one hand I had to study well for the entrance and on the other hand justify joining it after spending money on these 2 years at MIT. I was telling myself that I should get into the top 100 or something to convince my parents or even the top rank. Otherwise, it will be waste. Science didn't help me any better because I couldn't understand anything in the universe even though all those concepts looked great. At the end of the year, I didn't clear IIT. While I can give a lot of reasons of failing, I have come to accept that I was not smart or intelligent enough or cut out for IIT. A few reasons came together and caused such a big misconception. First, I was not good in academics in school though I was quite good in sports. I started doing well in studies not because I loved it but because I could impress Lakshmi. Then afterwards, I was a miserable failure in Tennis and had also flunked in maths in 11th standard and had to go to 12th with a retest. But something nice happened in my life, for which I'm still grateful, which is still a part of my life and which changed everything. It was coming to Besant Nagar. I don't know and cannot really describe it but I literally stepped into heaven. While Besant Nagar isn't all of my life, it is a significant part. 2 things changed..my home address and my school. And from a miserable failure, I told myself that I was going to be the best I can be. And circumstances really aided me fully. The old was gone and I was the new guy...the scholarly, good-looking, smart and good-natured boy next door. Maybe I was a little bit of all those things back then. I don't want to bore you because I have told about all this many times. So in 12th standard, along with this reason, 3 more reasons contributed to my false-identity. The 1st is that I had to score really well in that year to get in to engineering or medicine. And for my background in those times, it was going to decide my future career, how well off I will be and what nice job I will have or what status I will have in society. It's very pathetic that boys decided their future on entirely false notions. For example, if I had come to know that becoming a doctor would mean staring at what lies in the guts all through life or daily watching people suffer, I wouldn't have wanted to be a doctor back then. Note that I do not think like that now because I like to help relieve people suffering now. Even today, I had a passing thought of joining some trauma care or emergency care centers since I can relate to it well but then dismissed it as not wise. It's because my stress will aggravate rather than help them and that my best way of contributing to the society is to do the job I'm comfortable with now, which seems to be web development. The next reason for my false-identity is again trying hard to study to impress a girl, this time Archana. Maybe the little adulation I got from the other students and teachers also contributed. Finally, and this is by no means a small blunder, my school did a fraud in giving marks. In that year, our school was the one responsible with administering the evaluation an awarding marks for the 12h standard. Our students got an unusually large marks in 2 subjects while a couple o other far better schools like PSBB and DAV got ridiculously low marks. Some students were in a state of shock on both sides. In Physics, I had answered for 91 marks correctly and maybe 2 or 3 more incorrectly. I was expecting some 85-90 but I got 93. In maths I got 97 and in chemistry 80. Archana also told me that she didn't know how she got 95 in physics. Our students got in the range of 90s while those from PSBB and DAV got 70s and 80s. Those parents were shocked and went for revaluation and I don't know what happened after that. While they were all aiming for IIT in which these scores didn't matter, it would have hurt their prospects at Pilani, REC etc. What am I trying to say??? Never mind...:D
I read in an article yesterday in Wikipedia on learned helplessness. While they gave 3 reasons for it, on reading one reason i.e. Personalization, I became a little less depressed. What it meant is that I'm really not responsible whatever good or bad that I was, am or will be. Ofcourse, this is already there in the Bhagavad Gita itself when Krishna says that Arjuna is only a tool. It's another matter that the Krishna avatar is a tool by itself of God. The difference is that Krishna could be pro-active while Arjuna could be active based on their stage of evolution. I had sensed this even before I had read the Bhagavad Gita or the Wikipedia when my girl-friend left me. I was still the same person all through the relationship and was having a change of image according to how the circumstances allowed it. In that sense, I cannot even let go of the past identity I had before I came to Besant Nagar. I have had a lot of time thinking about thee things occasionally all these years in Depression. But I have also come to understand that a person does have a nature destined for him or her, like say a rose has the nature of passion or the lotus has that of sacredness etc. Now, I don't mean to say that just because my name means lotus, I'm sacred. My nature might well be something else or might even be this. I don't know. Problems in life come when one flower thinks that it can be like every other flower. Roses are beautiful when given in romance while lotus is beautiful when kept in the temple. Change the context and they both look ugly. This is what I had been doing for a long time, the remnants of which might as well be there in this article when I try to be smart, witty, sensitive, good-natured etc. :D
Back to the Group Discussion, which is what I wanted to talk about. There was this guy who was smart, cool and nice in the group. He was smart because when the guy who was the astronaut said that he should go, he shot him down saying that the rocket will run on auto-pilot. He was cool also in that he didn't raise his voice much. He was also nice because on finding me not speaking, he asked others to let me speak. Finding such a welcome reception in the last 1 minute, I told everyone that we were given a topic to reach a consensus to choose the best person and not argue for our own sake. The group discussion got over soon after a lull in the group. I was sure that I was going to be the first one in the list of 4 selected. When the result was announced, I was not there on the list. I couldn't believe it. The 2 guys who I had offended earlier looked at me triumphantly. apparently, they had pre-planned that they both will give each other preferential attention in the discussion and thus helping each other. Not a bad strategy at all. I would have used it myself if I had such a friend. But I was sorely pissed off and I went to ask the guy who made the selection on why he left me out. It's debatable if what he said is correct. He told me that I should have caught the attention of the group somehow, like even throwing my shoes into the room to get a chance to speak. apparently the Russian politician Zhirinovsky seems to have a flair for this. I once read that he came public holding a bra in his hand. Well...that's a little too much for someone trying to lead a country with 1000s of nukes. But then, some Russians have this unorthodox way doing things, including defending against German assault with coarse weapons in the world war (I don't know if it is 1st or 2nd or both World Wars).
Those 2 guys didn't make it in the final interview and it was the smart, cool and polite guy who got selected. Later, I understood that his politeness of asking me to speak didn't exactly come altruism but was itself a Group Discussion strategy. While I could have been penalized for speaking up late and that too only after an invitation, I doubt if the selectors were right in selecting 4 who didn't even understand fully the topic. The guy who was selected, was preparing for getting into IIM but I heard that 1 month after his selection, he died in a road accident. I don't know what to make of it.
AAAAAHHHH!!!! Here I will come to the point I wanted to tell. Today, I'm in a similar situation that I was in back then. I say similar and not the same situation. Group Discussion for me today is my Job life. There are those software guys who are really technically an expert. I do not contest this. But I'm also an expert in many things that I have learnt from spirituality. All those years that those guys solved technical problems, I have been solving life problems. Today, the IIT and IIM guys are consulting the Bhagavad Gita for some clarification on a concept. While I have quite a good grasp of these and a little of technical knowledge. The expert technical guys in my field are like the guy who was selected, for whom campus selection Group Discussion was a piece of cake when compared to IIM Group Discussion. If those guys are in the liberated phase of job-excellence, I'm just enlightened. In life, some people start in spirituality and then learn job skills while for the rest, it is the opposite way. In the end, both are necessary. Please wait...I haven't yet finished my point that I wanted to tell. Please go to the next paragraph (Steffi Graf is already taken)...
Now I have all this bundle of spiritual knowledge which the IIT and IIM guys find it prudent to use in the job. Ofcourse, one has to keep in mind that IIT or IIM plus these highly fundamental spiritual truths is explosive while a spiritualist who depends on the merciful droppings of another is not really the full human potential that anyone would like to reach. So, for some time I have been, waiting for an opportunity to 'speak' to the employment market as in the Group Discussion. Just as someone who thinks he or she has mastered life after being enlightened, I'm sitting thinking that my job life will run smoothly with a lot of great ideas in my head. And time keeps flying. Please go to the next paragraph (This paragraph is already over)...
I have a plan or a blue-print of the way I need to work. It's flawless, like the way my understanding of the topic in the Group Discussion was. It might not be 100% crystal clear...this may not even be possible since, a job skill, like any other skill, requires constant refinement. All I have to do is implement it. And for me, working has now become a spiritual practice of taking refuge. I checked the plan with the 4 criteria that I learnt in spirituality for any practice to succeed....1)It must solve the problem, 2)One must have the capacity or it, 3)One has to be comfortable doing it and 4)It must stand the test of time. On this basis, I think the way I intend to work will succeed. Please go to the next paragraph (Even a Giraffe already knows this)...
The obstacles I have is recovering from the remnants of Depression which leads to the tendency of interfering in unnecessary matters which takes away my focus from my job.
In life, everyone has been blessed with resources or nature or energy etc. The worst human still has an infinite potential within him or her but it's all locked up in the way. I was once the worst human that anyone could be though I had friends who still said 'hi' in the manner of social custom. Today, I'm not as bad I was back then but I have the ghost of my past in my consciousness like the snake's peeled layer of skin. I have no regrets, because...
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." ~ Unknown
It was the campus selection and there was a job that required clearing an aptitude test, a Group Discussion and an interview, after ofcourse a bit of initial screening by the college job coordinator. It was the time when Archana's parents refused us and I had to get back to Pune for my parents sake. When her father came to meet mine, he had said something like that the guy he had arranged the marriage for her with was a manager in a good company and I did not even have a job. It was a silly reason but anyway when I went back and I saw this job appearing in the list, I jumped in with the hope of securing it and thereby giving a reason for her father to accept me. It was a silly reaction as well from me because he already knew that I was an engineer and will get a good job. But I was doing all sorts of things to get her..including going to a five star hotel where I heard her would-be-husband was supposed to be a manager in and then finding out when I reached there that I had no idea of his name or even the name of the five star hotel in that locality.
Anyway...so there I was trying my best to get the job. Clearing the aptitude was easy because I was smarter than the average. When it came to the group discussion, 10 were there out of which 4 will be selected. The topic was this...planet earth was getting destroyed or something and we were all given a role each, like a priest, an astronaut, a pregnant woman etc. All of us had to discuss and reach a consensus on who will be the one to be chosen to go out in a waiting rocket to some other planet...a typical Hollywood script. We were each given 1 minute to present our case and 5 minutes for reaching the consensus. So we all did it for 10 minutes. For the next 5 minutes, the group discussion went. Everyone started arguing their and I sat there patiently waiting for my chance, partly from politeness and partly from not interrupting in the heated arguments. 2 guys formed quite a pair. The 2 guys belonged to the 4 who were evicted from the hostel in the 1st year when I had reported to the management when I was ragged. It was a mistake I made which I regretted and even went to withdraw it back. The Vice-Principal, who was an ex-army man, told me that he will throw me too out of the hostel and asked me to get out. At that time, I had just finished reading the Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. The strong sense of individuality portrayed in that novel combined with the success I had back then to make me egoistic, although I wasn't really aware. During the ragging, some 1st years were acting like 2nd years. I had even heard such a rumour before coming to the hostel. During the ragging, though I was scared stiff, I did not give in a bit, which literally startled those guys. It kind of became like reverse-ragging and while a couple of friends of mine did what those 10-15 said, I just refused. After a point, when I started enjoying the show, I participated a little but more in the sense of answering smart answers than being forced to do so. Finally, at the end of it, those guys revealed in good-nature that they were not seniors and that they were also freshers. Now, this struck a definite blow to my ego. I managed to appear cool and I soon forgot and became friends with many of them. I don't what really made me go and report the next day to the college but it looks to me like I was trying to be self-righteous but in effect, I was smarting the damage to my ego. I didn't even know what the consequence will be. The management got a few names in an adhoc manner and 4 guys got evicted. In that was one guy, I think his name was some Barua who had also joined my Petroleum branch, with whom I had got along very well and who didn't take part while the leader of the gang, Nathan, incidentally a Tamilian, got away. Nathan hanged around me all day long trying to say that all was alright and that I need not feel bad, but he was scared that he might be included in the list. This Barua, supposed to be a bright student flunk in the 1st year. All of them didn't show any anger towards me because they were decent and/or scared that it can only aggravate their situation. By then I had got a bad reputation in some parts of the college and some people saw me as a terror. Some of them over-estimated me as well but in one sense, I was better than them because I had to study harder here to get an engineering seat due to reservation system. My friend Rohit and a few others understood me better but I was the worst frin that any one could have back then. There was this another friend of mine Rakesh Ranjan who also joined in Petroleum Engineering. I had met him even before coming to the college when we both had applied and got the seat during the Pune govt.administrative selection process. I was always a financial wreck and used to borrow money from almost of my friends, even to the extent of losing some self-respect. Some of them initially were ready to give to a guy who had already become famous with the above stunt and things like having a girl friend back at in Chennai and supposed to be a scholar. Then they avoided lending me. I used to borrow from Rakesh and though he willingly gave every time, he said that I come to meet him only for asking money. Though I felt guilty, I used to shrug it off. I was studying for IIT entrance, in which I flunked. In the 2nd year I went to stay with him but then we both got into a fight, over some silly issue. It was however not for a funny reason...in the middle of the night when I had the urge to do some shaking job, I thought it was okay to do so in the room itself since it was dark and he was sleeping. But I had a doubt that he was still awake but then it was too late to stop my libido. He sprung up on his bed and looked at me for some time in almost darkness and I also watched him looking at me. Then he went back to sleep. I cursed a little but then I didn't care much. The next day he enquired about it and I had to confirm it. But this is not the reason for the fight. I think what contributed most was my egoistic behaviour and his caste complex. He was from the Yadav caste from Bihar. Unlike in Chennai, I think in his village, there is a lot of such differences. Honestly, I never discriminated him because of his caste. The way I contributed to the fight came more from my own egoism and he contributed from his inferiority complex from his social background. As for me, at that time, I was a zombie who didn't even love Archana truly. I just wanted to be a great scientist like Einstein. Neither was I living a happy life. I was trying to attempt to get into IIT after the 2nd year too. This put me in terrible pressure because on the one hand I had to study well for the entrance and on the other hand justify joining it after spending money on these 2 years at MIT. I was telling myself that I should get into the top 100 or something to convince my parents or even the top rank. Otherwise, it will be waste. Science didn't help me any better because I couldn't understand anything in the universe even though all those concepts looked great. At the end of the year, I didn't clear IIT. While I can give a lot of reasons of failing, I have come to accept that I was not smart or intelligent enough or cut out for IIT. A few reasons came together and caused such a big misconception. First, I was not good in academics in school though I was quite good in sports. I started doing well in studies not because I loved it but because I could impress Lakshmi. Then afterwards, I was a miserable failure in Tennis and had also flunked in maths in 11th standard and had to go to 12th with a retest. But something nice happened in my life, for which I'm still grateful, which is still a part of my life and which changed everything. It was coming to Besant Nagar. I don't know and cannot really describe it but I literally stepped into heaven. While Besant Nagar isn't all of my life, it is a significant part. 2 things changed..my home address and my school. And from a miserable failure, I told myself that I was going to be the best I can be. And circumstances really aided me fully. The old was gone and I was the new guy...the scholarly, good-looking, smart and good-natured boy next door. Maybe I was a little bit of all those things back then. I don't want to bore you because I have told about all this many times. So in 12th standard, along with this reason, 3 more reasons contributed to my false-identity. The 1st is that I had to score really well in that year to get in to engineering or medicine. And for my background in those times, it was going to decide my future career, how well off I will be and what nice job I will have or what status I will have in society. It's very pathetic that boys decided their future on entirely false notions. For example, if I had come to know that becoming a doctor would mean staring at what lies in the guts all through life or daily watching people suffer, I wouldn't have wanted to be a doctor back then. Note that I do not think like that now because I like to help relieve people suffering now. Even today, I had a passing thought of joining some trauma care or emergency care centers since I can relate to it well but then dismissed it as not wise. It's because my stress will aggravate rather than help them and that my best way of contributing to the society is to do the job I'm comfortable with now, which seems to be web development. The next reason for my false-identity is again trying hard to study to impress a girl, this time Archana. Maybe the little adulation I got from the other students and teachers also contributed. Finally, and this is by no means a small blunder, my school did a fraud in giving marks. In that year, our school was the one responsible with administering the evaluation an awarding marks for the 12h standard. Our students got an unusually large marks in 2 subjects while a couple o other far better schools like PSBB and DAV got ridiculously low marks. Some students were in a state of shock on both sides. In Physics, I had answered for 91 marks correctly and maybe 2 or 3 more incorrectly. I was expecting some 85-90 but I got 93. In maths I got 97 and in chemistry 80. Archana also told me that she didn't know how she got 95 in physics. Our students got in the range of 90s while those from PSBB and DAV got 70s and 80s. Those parents were shocked and went for revaluation and I don't know what happened after that. While they were all aiming for IIT in which these scores didn't matter, it would have hurt their prospects at Pilani, REC etc. What am I trying to say??? Never mind...:D
I read in an article yesterday in Wikipedia on learned helplessness. While they gave 3 reasons for it, on reading one reason i.e. Personalization, I became a little less depressed. What it meant is that I'm really not responsible whatever good or bad that I was, am or will be. Ofcourse, this is already there in the Bhagavad Gita itself when Krishna says that Arjuna is only a tool. It's another matter that the Krishna avatar is a tool by itself of God. The difference is that Krishna could be pro-active while Arjuna could be active based on their stage of evolution. I had sensed this even before I had read the Bhagavad Gita or the Wikipedia when my girl-friend left me. I was still the same person all through the relationship and was having a change of image according to how the circumstances allowed it. In that sense, I cannot even let go of the past identity I had before I came to Besant Nagar. I have had a lot of time thinking about thee things occasionally all these years in Depression. But I have also come to understand that a person does have a nature destined for him or her, like say a rose has the nature of passion or the lotus has that of sacredness etc. Now, I don't mean to say that just because my name means lotus, I'm sacred. My nature might well be something else or might even be this. I don't know. Problems in life come when one flower thinks that it can be like every other flower. Roses are beautiful when given in romance while lotus is beautiful when kept in the temple. Change the context and they both look ugly. This is what I had been doing for a long time, the remnants of which might as well be there in this article when I try to be smart, witty, sensitive, good-natured etc. :D
Back to the Group Discussion, which is what I wanted to talk about. There was this guy who was smart, cool and nice in the group. He was smart because when the guy who was the astronaut said that he should go, he shot him down saying that the rocket will run on auto-pilot. He was cool also in that he didn't raise his voice much. He was also nice because on finding me not speaking, he asked others to let me speak. Finding such a welcome reception in the last 1 minute, I told everyone that we were given a topic to reach a consensus to choose the best person and not argue for our own sake. The group discussion got over soon after a lull in the group. I was sure that I was going to be the first one in the list of 4 selected. When the result was announced, I was not there on the list. I couldn't believe it. The 2 guys who I had offended earlier looked at me triumphantly. apparently, they had pre-planned that they both will give each other preferential attention in the discussion and thus helping each other. Not a bad strategy at all. I would have used it myself if I had such a friend. But I was sorely pissed off and I went to ask the guy who made the selection on why he left me out. It's debatable if what he said is correct. He told me that I should have caught the attention of the group somehow, like even throwing my shoes into the room to get a chance to speak. apparently the Russian politician Zhirinovsky seems to have a flair for this. I once read that he came public holding a bra in his hand. Well...that's a little too much for someone trying to lead a country with 1000s of nukes. But then, some Russians have this unorthodox way doing things, including defending against German assault with coarse weapons in the world war (I don't know if it is 1st or 2nd or both World Wars).
Those 2 guys didn't make it in the final interview and it was the smart, cool and polite guy who got selected. Later, I understood that his politeness of asking me to speak didn't exactly come altruism but was itself a Group Discussion strategy. While I could have been penalized for speaking up late and that too only after an invitation, I doubt if the selectors were right in selecting 4 who didn't even understand fully the topic. The guy who was selected, was preparing for getting into IIM but I heard that 1 month after his selection, he died in a road accident. I don't know what to make of it.
AAAAAHHHH!!!! Here I will come to the point I wanted to tell. Today, I'm in a similar situation that I was in back then. I say similar and not the same situation. Group Discussion for me today is my Job life. There are those software guys who are really technically an expert. I do not contest this. But I'm also an expert in many things that I have learnt from spirituality. All those years that those guys solved technical problems, I have been solving life problems. Today, the IIT and IIM guys are consulting the Bhagavad Gita for some clarification on a concept. While I have quite a good grasp of these and a little of technical knowledge. The expert technical guys in my field are like the guy who was selected, for whom campus selection Group Discussion was a piece of cake when compared to IIM Group Discussion. If those guys are in the liberated phase of job-excellence, I'm just enlightened. In life, some people start in spirituality and then learn job skills while for the rest, it is the opposite way. In the end, both are necessary. Please wait...I haven't yet finished my point that I wanted to tell. Please go to the next paragraph (Steffi Graf is already taken)...
Now I have all this bundle of spiritual knowledge which the IIT and IIM guys find it prudent to use in the job. Ofcourse, one has to keep in mind that IIT or IIM plus these highly fundamental spiritual truths is explosive while a spiritualist who depends on the merciful droppings of another is not really the full human potential that anyone would like to reach. So, for some time I have been, waiting for an opportunity to 'speak' to the employment market as in the Group Discussion. Just as someone who thinks he or she has mastered life after being enlightened, I'm sitting thinking that my job life will run smoothly with a lot of great ideas in my head. And time keeps flying. Please go to the next paragraph (This paragraph is already over)...
I have a plan or a blue-print of the way I need to work. It's flawless, like the way my understanding of the topic in the Group Discussion was. It might not be 100% crystal clear...this may not even be possible since, a job skill, like any other skill, requires constant refinement. All I have to do is implement it. And for me, working has now become a spiritual practice of taking refuge. I checked the plan with the 4 criteria that I learnt in spirituality for any practice to succeed....1)It must solve the problem, 2)One must have the capacity or it, 3)One has to be comfortable doing it and 4)It must stand the test of time. On this basis, I think the way I intend to work will succeed. Please go to the next paragraph (Even a Giraffe already knows this)...
The obstacles I have is recovering from the remnants of Depression which leads to the tendency of interfering in unnecessary matters which takes away my focus from my job.
In life, everyone has been blessed with resources or nature or energy etc. The worst human still has an infinite potential within him or her but it's all locked up in the way. I was once the worst human that anyone could be though I had friends who still said 'hi' in the manner of social custom. Today, I'm not as bad I was back then but I have the ghost of my past in my consciousness like the snake's peeled layer of skin. I have no regrets, because...
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." ~ Unknown
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Refuged in my job life
I just have to focus on my job and things will fall into place, both for myself and in fulfilling my duties to those around me. When I concentrate on my job only, the first advantage is peace of mind. Then comes monetary gain. It also means that I will not be interfering or messing up in other people's lives and their jobs. And bloody hell...the truth of the matter is that I don't have to sweat it out in some horrid work conditions like some people have to. The only thing for me is to handle my loneliness, the self-doubts that keep creeping in occasionally and the little bit of bodily pain that I get sometimes. I go to Facebook because of this loneliness but the problem is that it's not easy to simply watch and not participate in the discussions. And if one starts to discuss, one gets dragged into a lot of emotional issues. Facebook is a Pavlov dog syndrome that I have and to replace it, I might replay a inspiring recording over and over again to get me back to work. As for my self-doubts, I'm at a point where even discussions with my counselor or reading a quote or scriptural text doesn't take me any further. So I just have to go on giving myself time and take things easily. The occasional bodily pain that I get is something that I have to go through mindfully. But I have started on my way already. For me now, doing my job is taking refuge and even though I get bumped often that puts me back on track, I'm enjoying it. :)
Removed some of my FB friends
I have removed some of my FB friends. It was difficult to do so because they might feel offended or left out. But I was having friends who I had no idea of. I mean, it's easy to fake talking nicely on the net on things of mutual interest. I do not suspect any one of them in particular and while one can make out if a person is faking it or not in the long run with or without some observation, the damage might well have happened before then. And someone might do a terrorist act faking it as coming from my computer, email and what not. Honestly, I felt that some of them might be deeply hurt but they were also at risk of being framed. This is what life is sometimes about, we need to be adapting to changing circumstances, atleast till there is no necessity for these precautions.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Labyrinth Pilgrimage
http://www.gratefulness.org/labyrinth/index.htm
This is a wonderful tool for self-reflection which can be used to come out of a problem, crises or depression. Here, one goes on a journey to the center through a lot of twists, stopping in-between and then one traces back to the outside. There can be different interpretations on this tool. This is what I have experienced...
The labyrinth is a model of how our soul gets deep into the worldly life and then again comes out. One can say that the center is when we are totally immersed and helpless in the worldly life. Going through this practice helps in realizing that there are no short-cuts in life but there is steady progress.
Another interpretation is this...the center can be viewed as when we have solved our core problem on our recovery from worldly life crises but still need to come out.of the remains of the problem...like how someone after destroying a demon in a castle has to come out safely when the castle starts crumbling in the absence of the demon. Hence it's important to complete everything that one has started not just for peace but also for happiness. In the Mahabharatha war, Abhimanyu, the son of Arjuna, knew how to penetrate the Padmavyuha but did not know how to come out of it. This led to his death, although heroic.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Padmavyuha
Note the similarity between the labyrinth in the 2 links.
This is a wonderful tool for self-reflection which can be used to come out of a problem, crises or depression. Here, one goes on a journey to the center through a lot of twists, stopping in-between and then one traces back to the outside. There can be different interpretations on this tool. This is what I have experienced...
The labyrinth is a model of how our soul gets deep into the worldly life and then again comes out. One can say that the center is when we are totally immersed and helpless in the worldly life. Going through this practice helps in realizing that there are no short-cuts in life but there is steady progress.
Another interpretation is this...the center can be viewed as when we have solved our core problem on our recovery from worldly life crises but still need to come out.of the remains of the problem...like how someone after destroying a demon in a castle has to come out safely when the castle starts crumbling in the absence of the demon. Hence it's important to complete everything that one has started not just for peace but also for happiness. In the Mahabharatha war, Abhimanyu, the son of Arjuna, knew how to penetrate the Padmavyuha but did not know how to come out of it. This led to his death, although heroic.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Padmavyuha
Note the similarity between the labyrinth in the 2 links.
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