In the summer of 1993, after I had got into the relationship with Archana and the 12th result had been declared where I had got a score that was reasonably good, there was only one last thing to do...study for the entrance test. But then I was intoxicated in the relationship and I had already come to believe that I will get into an engineering college. So I didn't study well. A small genuine reason that also contributed to it was that the 12th preparation drained em. It's ofcourse nothing big like how some guys study for 4 years for IIT. So I just did a little average in the entrance going largely by the knowledge I remembered from the 12th preparation. But this was easily forgivable as compared to a greater damage I did, which was not utilize an opportunity that presented itself to me. I don't want to get into the moral aspect of this because I was young that time and so didn't think much on corruption. My uncle knew an assistant to some minister or the minister himself who in turn had access to someone conducting the Annamalai university exam entrance. Annamalai university is quite a decent engineering college. With some effort from my father and my uncle, I got a few tips on certain areas from where the questions will be asked. But I just didn't study at all. I flunked miserably in the test and later when the result came out and my uncle got the test result unofficially so that a further push could be given, he found that I had scored a miserable score and it was way below the cut-off to be given pushed further and there went the seat. If only I had studied a little bit more, I might have got the free seat there instead of later paying to do my engineering degree.
My troubles with question paper didn't stop there and it continued even in engineering, though this time I can atleast say I wasn't at the wrong end. My friends in Pune university knew one test-taking strategy that worked for over 95% of times. Their strategy was go though the answer to the questions in the last 3 years or 6 semesters of previous exams and regurgitate it in the exam. This is not entirely bad if one considers it as a pointer or guide or tip rather than relying on it as a tactic or a strategy. But I used to go to the other extreme of these guys...I tried to be a perfectionist in reading every letter in the book. This would have worked for me had I been really interested in my subject but I used to find it not so very interesting and so I couldn't read much. What this meant was that I got 50% while those guys got 70%. The funny thing is when in a year the question paper was set in a different format by a different weird professor, these guys got the scare of their lives and failed while I still got the same marks. I guess, the smart ones were those who were neither like me nor them.
I think I was smart as a kid when I used to play games. Later in school, I thought less laterally and more longitudinally thinking that the only way to be the topper of the class is to slog. I studied painstakingly for 5-6 years. While at the end, I did have some reasonable success, I couldn't sustain it always. That is why I failed miserably in engineering. After school, I thought I wouldn't need to any more slog over but since I had raised my standards to an artificial level, it was always a problem to maintain it. Archana had thought that I was some kind of whiz-kid or scholar and I always had to wear this mask. Now, I'm smart in a few things but still find it a big problem to read effectively and efficiently. I get humbling experiences all the time these days when I see that I cannot do the simplest of things.
Today, I have no or very less extrinsic motivation because of the loss of Archana, a little bit of paranoia and a necessity to stand on my own legs. But I do have intrinsic motivation in the form of some liking of the way I wish to work, though finding a job that can be tailored to suit it is a big challenge. When I was waiting at a company today for a test, I was thinking on how to face it. It was a very nice company and the job was a very simple one but I was still a bit apprehensive about myself. I came across a news paper article on manual scavenging which drew my attention. I'm sorry to bring these sorts of unpleasant things in life and I advise with all seriousness to you not to read my posts much if you don't like reading these matters because it can unnecessarily bring down your spirits. But as I read it, my self-doubt got cleared and I made up my mind. I have ofcourse made up my mind like this many times, falling down sometimes. But this time, I made up my mind which was more job-specific. What got my attention was that there was a debate over the definition of manual scavenging. It just looked unimportant to me how one defines when one can see that it is a very pathetic state of affairs. Then I looked at the company I was in and it was designed like a work of art. I told myself not to waste any time further in self-doubt and hesitating to apply the skill I have when I don't face such a poor environment as those labourers. But I didn't do well in the test either and it was a very humbling experience. Later I understood another point, which is in no way less important than the previous one. Today, companies all over the world are giving great environments, like for instance this company. In some companies, there are attached gymnasium and what not. While these do give some motivation, these are all still extrinsic. When I was in the company today, I was feeling good a bit that was unnatural to me who was used to doing work from home and so part of my attention went into the environment itself. I also worried about how I can sit all 10 hours when at home I lie down on the bed every now and then.
When I can focus my mind on the work, I feel good but I have the Pavlov's syndrome. I get constantly dragged by the passion of facebook and other things. I do try my best and move daily inch by inch I'm improving. Sometimes, it is painfully slow and I stare at the state of being unemployed or being incapacitated to work and support myself and living under the droppings of others. At these times, I tell myself that just as I came over my spiritual wants, I can come out of my material wants.
