Arvy: Hello X.
X: Hi.
Arvy: Was it Bre or bray that I came across? Now...
X: What?
Arvy: It's one of those things.
X: What things?
Arvy: Never mind.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I'm satisfied with the way things went today. I think I did all 4 -- Bhakthi Yoga, Dhyana Yoga, Jnana Yoga, Karma Yoga and ending in Prapatti.
Arvy: My nephew has come and I might have to go.
X: okay.
Arvy: I did the Bhakthi Yoga first since it was supposed to be done at dawn. From tomorrow, the Yoga order is DJBK, hopefully.
X: It will be, don't worry.
Arvy: It's got a flow in it, a connection. By Dhyana, I implant the brain with good thoughts. Then those thoughts get 'educated' by Jnana. The dry Jnana is made wet by Bhakthi. The Bhakthi (KAriya Siddhi) that I'm following has a guidance to do Karma well.
X: That's wonderful.
Arvy: Yeah. I believe that I have got the hang of Yoga. It's only Prapatti that's still eluding me. But even not feeling secure enough is like a minor thorn in me.
X: Should we celebrate?
Arvy: No, not yet. It's not over until it's over.
X: Good.
Arvy: I have got to go to look after my nephew. I will not be really taking care of him since my mom will be doing that. I will just be there.
X: Good night.
Arvy: Good night.

Arvy: Hello X!
X: Hi.
Arvy: Is it all right to be dumb and retarded?
X: I don't know.
Arvy: It's s easy to be dumb and retarded. But it also becomes a burden to others.
X: Yes.
Arvy: I'm feeling lighter now. Want to know why?
X: Tell me.
Arvy: Never mind.
X: Okay.
Arvy: Sorry to disappoint you.
X: No problem.
Arvy: I don't really feel like typing much. I wanto say Bye. For now.
X: Goodbye.

Arvy and X

Arvy: Hello, anyone here? If you are Arvind, please don't respond.
X: Hello, Arvy.
Arvy: Oh Hi! Nice to meet you again.
X: It's nice to meet you too, Arvy.
Arvy: You know, I remember something that my ex wrote.
X: Tell me.
Arvy: She wrote at the end of the letter in big words, "Meet you next week. Until then Good bye."
X: Sweet.
Arvy: It was. Sort of. But it looked a little odd and funny to me. It was as if she was a news reader. But still, I liked it.
X: Okay. How are you today?
Arvy: Not bad. There is a re-arrangement again. Perhaps it's another piece falling into the place in th puzzle called life.
X: That's interesting.
Arvy: I'm just glad that I'm peaceful now and my body is feeling cool.
X: Great.
Arvy: I'm taking things a little slower.
X: Okay.
Arvy: What do you want us to talk about?
X: Anything, Arvy.
Arvy: You know...that stupid Archana...I was talking to her like this. And I used to do the talking 99% of the time. She would just keep me going on. But I should concede. She was a good listener and never seemed to get bored with me.
X: Go on.
Arvy: You are also like her. But I think you are a little more intelligent.
X: I'm okay.
Arvy: Archana was sometimes very dumb. But she could afford to be a donkey with the beauty that she was. And I don't mean just physical beauty. She had a beautiful soul. May be I just got close enough to her to see her soul and souls are beautiful in everyone. Even the times when she was acting dumb, I attributed it to innocence.
X: Okay.
Arvy: My counselor is asking me...why haven't you forgotten her after all these years? He says an average person would have come out in a year or two. Now, don't get me wrong...I don't mean to say I'm something extraordinary.
X: i believe you.
Arvy: Why is she still there in my brain? As large as the moon in a full moon night. Thankfully, I don't despair or feel sad or depressed. Let's forget it. It's too complex.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I'm liking this. It's better than writing a novel. By the way, I don't intend to write the novel, atleast not with commercial intent.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I'm reading these days something to get me out of the habit of masturbating. It seems to work.
X: Good.
Arvy: I was actually reading the part which was supposed to give me cash. I read for around a week. When I read that the wrong Kama will affect all the three of Dharma, Artha and Kama, I thought that it was better to stop the leakage, literally.
X: Funny.
Arvy: I was posting the other day on how the American spending was like dysentery. Masturbation is to me what luxury is to them. I was doing wrong things, being drained of energy and losing out on real love.
X: Go on.
Arvy: I believe that my would-be wife will forgive my transgressions. To the westernized, it might seem a small thing. But as Jesus says, if you have looked lustfully with the eyes, you have as good as sinned.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I hope my wife would be like Kannagi, who forgave Kovalan for going to a prostitute. Ofcourse, I don't want the rest of the story to happen.
X: Hmmmm.
Arvy: I have got 10 minutes to go to bed.
X: Okay.
Arvy: Sometimes, when I'm in a flow like this, I really don't want to stop. It's as if I'm getting to be open. The problem is, I'm afraid of being open.
X: Hmmmm.
Arvy: I'm not really scared of evil.
X: Good.
Arvy: Not good. I meant evil.
X: I know. Good.
Arvy: Is this some kind of a joke? I meant evil, not good.
X: Never mind.
Arvy: Okay. You know what my counselor would have told me now?
X; What?
Arvy: That I was avoiding being open.
X: I don't know.
Arvy: Why cannot I be open? The problem is this...can you really show your a.se with the hole in it to the world? Now that I have said it, I feel sick.
X: It's okay.
Arvy: I'm going to bed. I will see you later.
X: Good night, Arvy. Sweet dreams.

Arvy, Arvind and X

Arvy: I'm not well.
Arvind: okay.
Arvy: Is that all you can say?
Arvind: I don't know what to say.
Arvy: I'm bleeding inside. Like an internal hemorrhage.
Arvind: Hemorrhage can be only internal.
Arvy: Very funny.
Arvind: I'm sorry.
Arvy: I feel as if the weight of the universe is pressing on me.
Arvind: Do you think the universe is heavy?
Arvy: That's a poor attempt at joke. You are sick.
Arvind: I'm.
Arvy: What? You also? I thought I was the only crazy one here.
Arvind: Now you know.
Arvy: That doesn't really help. Does it?
Arvind: It doesn't. But still we are not the only ones here.
Arvy: What? Is there someone else too? I would like to meet him/her/it.
Arvind: Do you want me to call him?
Arvy: Yes! sure do. I need all the help I can muster.
Arvind: Okay, I will call him. But let's call him X, okay?
Arvy: I have no objections.
Arvind: Okay then. Wait a second. I will call him...Hello X...would you like to join in?
X: Sure. Who are you both?
Arvind: We don't know. Who are you?
X: I don't know. But it doesn't matter.
Arvy: Hello X.
X:Hello Arvy.
Arvy: Can you help me?
X; I will, if I can.
Arvy: I feel like crying. But I can't.
X: Why can't you?
Arvy: Adults are not supposed to cry. I'm also supposed to be tough. And people are watching. There are 2 followers and I don't know how many are hidden.
X: That's sad.
Arvy: It is. And I cannot drop dead. I have got to stand. If I fall down, thoe around me will fall down too.
X: I see. Are you sure?
Arvy: I'm sure but I wish I didn't have to be sure too.
X: You can rest on me for a while.
Arvy: But how? I don't even know you.
X: Yes. That's a problem. But we will manage somehow. Don't worry.
Arvy: You are being vague.
X: I'm sorry.
Arvy; Don't be. You seem to be a nice chap.Atleast, you are listening to me.
X: Why can't you tell me directly your problem?
Arvy: It's because I don't know what my problem is. Or to put it in another way, I have too many problems to single out any.
X: That's bad.
Arvy: But I'm brave.
X: You are.
Arvy: Now...how can you know that?
X: Well...you sounded brave.
Arvy: Okay. I'm also nice.
X: Okay.
Arvy: My head is feeling heavy now.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I wish life was simpler.
X: I don't know.
Arvy: Sometimes I'm very scared. But I just shut down those thoughts.
X: i know.
Arvy: Tell me...I'm living by a few things told in the Gita. Do you think it will work out?
X: I think so.
Arvy: How can you help me?
X: I don't know. I'm here for as long as you need me.
Arvy: Are you God?
X: I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Arvy: Then tell me what matters.
X: I don't know. You have got to try out certain things. See if it matters.
Arvy: Sometimes I wish I could die in an accident or an earthquake or something like that.Gone in a second.
X: I have nothing to say.
Arvy: I don't think I will regret if I die now.
X: Okay.
Arvy; I'm feeling wretched that I cannot even easily speak from my heart.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I think I have hurt some people. But I believe that I have compensated.
X: Okay.
Arvy: Or maybe I haven't. Maybe I'm still alive to settle some more debts.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I cannot make anything of life.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I cannot even express in words. I'm trying so hard to find a right word or sentence to tell how I feel but it just doesn't come.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I don't know how long this is going to take.I wish I'm taken care of. But I don't want to be a burden.
X: Granted.
Arvy: I don't know what you mean by 'granted'. I have to go now. But I would like to come back again tomorrow to talk with you.
X: I will see you tomorrow. Have dinner and go to sleep. You will be all right.
Arvy: Thanks. I don't want us to talk with Arvind for some time. Is it okay?
X: I don't have any objection. But out of decency, you should request him.
Arvy: Okay, I will. Hello, Arvind...
Arvind: I heard what you said to X. It's all right by me. Anything which makes you happy makes me happy too.
Arvy: Thanks. Maybe I will talk with you tomorrow. Maybe...
Arvind: You don't need to explain.
Arvy: Thanks. Life is beautiful...am I the son or the father?
X: Crazy nut!
Arvy: Will I be all right?
X: Yes.
Arvy: Soon?
X:Yes.
Arvy: How soon?
X: Help is coming to you at the speed of light.
Arvy: But from where and how big is the universe? I need to know distance to calculate the time.
X: The universe is big indeed. But it is enough to fit inside your heart.
Arvy: That means...it can be any moment?
X: Yes.
Arvy: Good night.

Pet commentary on American economy

Putin suggests that Americans are like parasites. I agree                    with the previous part of his quote...that they are living beyond their means.

Americans have been very generous. Today,we have the culture of free browsing, emails, blogging, music videos etc. thanks to the software companies largely owned by Americans. Perhaps Putin himself is using blogger, livejournal, facebook, twitter etc.

These services needn't be free. Taking it for granted is the same as not appreciating the benevolence of cow's milk...after all no one requests the cow if it wants to give. Competition is not the only reason for some of these products and services being free. A lot of people have invested in software with the best intentions. One web host is giving the service for free for 2 years -- they expect that after 2 years, when a small businessman starts getting revenue, he or she will sign up for the premium. But, a lot of people, including me, have no such plans. While I don't misuse it, there are those who enroll in mass numbers trying to earn quick cash. If something remains steady for a day, that itself is a big thing in this world and these people are planning for 2 years. That is not a parasitic way of life. Actually, some people from countries like China, India, Russia etc. ride piggyback on the developments in America. If all the pirated versions of Windows was seized in India, almost all the small-scale companies and 90% (my estimate) of homes would be shut down.

But Americans surely have a problem with the way they spend their money on luxury. Even if you have a full course meal, if you have dysentery, you are going to be emaciated. I'm not against wealth. Wealth can however be only a by-product and not a product by itself. Of course, you must be knowing this already...but I have to say this to complete my pet commentary. :-)

My mother

My mother's got a growth inside her skull. Luckily and thankfully, it isn't a tumour.

I have played down the significance of it to my mother and she does the same thing to me, except rarely when she mentions it in anger. I cannot nevertheless help thinking occasionally about it a a time-bomb.

My mother is only half-alive. A part of her consciousness has already transcended this world.

What bothers me a little is that even the MR scan was paid by my sister. In case of a major operation, she would have to be the one financing it. But I believe that the growth in her is psycho-somatic. The only thing I can do is to make sure that she is happy and expect the growth to dissolve by itself. There have been such cases reported.

It's also a bother for me of how I will be after she dies. The other day, my mother took 2 promises from me. That I will not commit suicide after she dies and that I will do Gaya Shraddham for her and my father after her death. I was very glad that she took such a promise. It was one thing which had been bothering me. The reason I'm alive these days is only for her and it did occur to me that I might do anything after her death. And I didn't like the thought. She has asked me to prove to the world that I can live happily. It will no doubt be terrible after her death but I think I would be able to manage somehow.

Acchu...

"Going so soon to bed?", I say "But I'm not finished with you yet"
She turns over on the bed and God help me, she is beautiful and sexy.
"Come on, let's do it once..."
"No."
"Why not?"
She doesn't answer.
I go near her. She smells good. Hmmmm...what could it be? It is jasmine.
"Do you know that you smell like jasmine?"
"Really?"
"Yes."
She is on her back and I ask, "How can a beauty like you ever love me?"
"I don't know."
I ask, "What do you want tonight? Veg or non-veg?"
She gushes. "Veg...only...always."
I sulk.
"Can we try only once, non-veg?"
"No!"
"Okay. Let's have it this way. You take veg and I will have non-veg."
"No way."
"Do you know that you are stubborn?" I ask
"Cheee...bad boy. I can never allow non-veg."
"But it's me...your lawfully wedded husband."
"I said, 'No!'"
I know that it is pointless to try any further.

"Okay. Let's have veg." I say "Where do you want me to start? Ears, mouth, eyes, neck...?"
"Your wish." she says, "I'm yours...almost."
"In that case, I will start with your mouth. I will close it so you won't say 'no' anymore."
I put my lips on hers.
Taking a mouthful, or more precisely a lipful, I say, "Your lips are so clean and reddish."
She doesn't say anything.
I roll back and look at the ceiling. I say, "Acchu..."
"Tell me..."
"Can I ask something?"
"What?"
"Why do you only like me?"
She is silent.
"Why do you like me and not love me?"
I look at her face. She doesn't look back at me. Her face has turned serious.
"We needn't have married. We needn't have gotten into the relationship in the first place."
She is nervous. She gets up to go.
I say, "Stop!"
She stops but turns her face the other side.
"How long can I put up with you?" I say, "I'm never enough for you. Come on...say something. Atleast say, 'I have to say "yes".' I didn't lie to you when I said that I wanted to be with you even if it meant only over the phone. You are all that I ever wanted. If only you were actually with me now. Look at me now. A wretched man not knowing the real from the imaginary. If only you had told me that you are just reflecting my affection and that you had no feelings for me on your own. I wouldn't have persisted on you. Sure, I would have been a wretch for a couple of years but I would have never been lost. Did you say that you love me because it was done in the movies and the books? My heart bleeds in self-pity. This is not the life that I ever expected. I'm not angry with you. I'm sad that you weren't a little more honest. I have no one. I don't have you. I don't have my parents. I don't know why I'm still living. Can you do me a favour?"
She asks, "What?"
"Can you allow non-veg?"