I called her Archana. My friend told me...'Don't call her like that. Call her Achu.'

I sit now where I was 17 years back. But the home has been remodeled into an apartment with a net cafe. Time has just erased all evidence of those days except a memory in my heart.

Excuse me, whoever is reading this. I never meant to be negative but I guess just now a little bit of it is alright.

A cute looking foreign girl sits before me. Apparently she is dressed like those from the Kalakshetra. What the hell has that got to do with my life I have no idea. That's what my life is...something without any idea.

come ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon

I think I'm 68.75% alright. Now...how do I know. I have my own logic. Go figure. lol

Okay I will explain...

When I was 'kept' normal by full dosage of the drugs, I took...

MORNING - 500mg of Valp ER (for mood balance) + 0.25mg of Pramipex (for depression) + 200mg of Sulpitac (for psychosis) + Lozar H (for blood pressure)

EVENING - 500mg of Valp ER (for mood balance) + 0.25mg of Pramipex (for depression) + 200mg of Sulpitac (for psychosis) + Amlopress AT (for blood pressure)

Now I take...


MORNING - 250mg of Valp ER (for mood balance)


EVENING - 500mg of Valp ER (for mood balance) + 0.125mg of Pramipex (for depression) + 100mg of Sulpitac (for psychosis)

So in a day, I take compared to my initial dosage...

Valp ER - 75%
Pramipex - 25%
Sulpitac - 25%
Lozar H & Amlopress AT - 0%

Average amount of drugs I take compared to my initial full dosage - ( 75% + 25% + 25% + 0%) / 4 = 31.25%

So my improvement is (100% - 31.25%) = 68.75%

My next visit to the doctor is in another 14 days. Then I will get Valp ER reduced from 75% to 50%. After that, I hope to meet him once every month. If things go well, I will be drug-free and disease-free in 6 months.

What Home means to me

Everyone is born in a home. Right? No? What about the argument that even an orphan had a home when in the mother's womb. Problem starts at the stage when an individual takes off from home declaring his or her independence. Some freedom is good to develop the individuality but if he or she declares full independence, he or she becomes detached from home. And that leads to insecurity.

There is a home for everyone which one can call as God or Humanity or Universe or Commune etc. There is the sorrow coming from alienation from this home. There is also the joy in being part of and taking part in all the activities of this home. I'm on the wonderful journey back to this home.

It frightens me to open up my heart. Hell, I can walk without fear of psychos or terrorists. But as to telling if I like a cup of coffee, I will think twice before telling you, if at all I ever tell you.

Today I went and saw the mentally retarded kids getting trained by a certified special olympics trainer opposite my house. I went in hesitantly but I was welcomed by a kid and grown up retarded guy. I asked the trainer what was at the root of retardation and the treatment for it. He told me a great many things. I was interested to know because I felt retarded. If those kids were 1% normal and 99% retarded, I was 99% normal and 1% retarded. The only difference between me and them was in the percentage. He told me that while money was available to an easier extent, the opportunities for these kids to make a life for themselves was not there. He told me that while these kids compete with normal kids or do a regular job, they can do jobs that suit them. He made a very valid point that if they cannot get some sort of job from the vocational training that they get, they will go back to their previous state. He said money was available more or less but opportunities was not available. These kids can do simple jobs like being an office peon. Even a 3% job reservation quota approved by the government for the disabled did not include people with retardation. These kids deserve it more than the creeps who demand reservation based on caste, sex and religion. One kid was quite intelligent. He warned me of a lizard behind me. It seems that he had a violent history every day before but now only once or twice in a month. The tragic thing was that while the trainer was a sympathetic man, he was totally insensitive to the kid standing next to him and told me that these kids cannot become normal. The trainer may have thought that the kid will not understand technical terms like mental retardation but I noticed that the kid was listening astutely. The only other person listening as astutely as he was me! I wanted to get a hint about getting out of my own retardation. And then I told myself that I too have to just look-out for job opportunities that I can do.

What to write when words are not enough to say everything one wants to? If there was some way to photocopy the mind, it will make life easier. To say anything is to risk saying too little. But on the other hand, I believe it is more my lack of courage in looking at life straight in the face that I don't want to say anything. I once read Chandrasekhara Saraswathi Sankaracharya saying that a mother understands that a child wants an orange even if it says "onge".

People can accuse me...you have all the facilities but still you are not contributing. I try to and I make progress inch by inch. While externally I have hardly any problem, internally I have to get around many mental blocks.

The Self

The Self is the golden ball of flame. What is seen is but one portion of it. The others are the selves...some nearby, some far away and some lost in darkness. For the self to know about the Self is joyful. To come in contact with It is happiness. To merge in It is bliss.