The fallow land

Since there is a lot of Gita thinking in me because I have read a lot of times and also because it looks logical, there is one observation which I made and which i believe has changed now. It's not about a change of perception in the meaning but rather in how I correlated it with my own life.

Archana and Pravda were 2 big things in my life. In some sense, I equated them to Tamas (ignorance) and Rajas (passion) respectively and since Gita says that these 2 doesn't help, I could understand getting as far away as possible from both of them and be in Sattva (goodness). But then a couple of days back, I came across a change in this understanding. There was one more entity which I had not recognized and which was liking a issing piece that altered the understanding of my life. It is IIT. So then, IIT became my Tamas, Archana became my Rajas and Pravda became my Sattva. Basically, there is nothing wrong in all the 3 by themselves. I went after IIT because of my ego, went after Archana because of external beauty and found Pravda nice because I got attention. Putting in Hollywood terms, Pravda was good, Archana was bad and IIT was ugly. This is again subjective and some other will what I call bad as good etc. This understanding fits in with my own practical life because no matter how hard I have tried, I have not been able to let go some sort of contact with Pravda in the present. Archana is still there in my memory and I still show some interest in things related to IIT. It's said in the Gita that one transcends even the Sattva when one stays long enough there and reach Krishna. There is a lot of nature of Krishna in my counselor but ofcourse I don't mean to say that others don't have it. Eventually, Krishna is one's own self (not the ego).

After the fight that I had with my sister, I felt rotten (as usual). Even now I have a lot of resentment inside me. I know that i have got only what I have meted out to others but my life now is hardly what one can call a life, let alone a joyful one. I don't like anyone, I don't enjoy any pleasures, I have to do unpleasant work etc.. To move on, I accept that everything is fine on the basis of trust and let things settle down by itself. I live at the root or abyss of existence where alone I can find common ground with everyone else. Such a root or abyss is more a feeling than anything that the sense can perceive. Anything above that and there is bound to be disappointment, hurt and resentment. It's not exactly exciting but it is atleast real, safe and peaceful from which someday happiness can emerge. It is with such such an attitude that I look at my sister, nephew, the employer who rejected me today, the fully shaven guy I saw today etc.

Life in a Day

Started the day with a fight with my sister. I asked her to stop her nagging talks, especially directed at my mother. I told her that I will start earning in a month and that I'm not going to depend on her any more. I made a threat that I won't mind harming her if she crossed the line. It's sickening and I knew that letting out my anger is only going to come back to me. But I had had enough of her nagging. She took away my nephew thinking that I will harm him. I don't care much about not interacting with him because I don't like human interactions anymore. But even though he is a baby, he understood that something was amiss. I didn't very little with him today and I could see that he was feeling very hurt. He will get over it when his father meets him tomorrow. My sister mistakenly thinks that the boy belongs to her and I never loved him back of the relation. Oneday he will leave her as well. But till that time, let them have the joy that they deserve. Anyway, I was also not going to harm her but a little threat is enough to stop her constantly nagging my mother.      

I went to a company for interview as a Technical Support Executive. I was shown the door in the 1st stage itself because while my tone and style of speech was right, my content or message was not good. Which was true and I guess I have learnt an important lesson in communication. It was the 1stinterview after a long time and I really had no idea what it was going to be like. also, when asked me to introduce about myself, i did not know that she was using it as a screening test. Damn these soft-skills. I prefer a hard-on.

Saw a man with all facial hair shaved, including the eyebrows, in the beach in my evening walk. I wondered if there was going to be some shoot out like the one recently in America. There is presently a 10 day long song and dance festival called Chennai Sangamam meaning "A Merger in Chennai" going there. But anyway nothing happened.