I might start writing again and finish up the novel. It looks to me that it is half-way through. Like till now it was Part 1 and from now on Part 2. I'm also starting my job life from today. In 2 months, I will have stabilized and after 4 months further, I may be out of my medicines completely decreasing 250mg with every monthly visit. It's fuzzy but there is not much trouble also. The advantage in the initial stages of a disease is that improvements can be measured accurately and dosages decreased predictably. The disadvantage is that the pain is great then. However when one comes to the fag end of the recovery, it's all fuzzy but then the pain is also almost negligible. It might seem like just as one reaches a mile-stone and starts celebrating the end of the journey that a new mile-stone, more subtle, is set up. This is understandable because the recovery from a disease is like peeling of an onion...when one layer is cleared, the next one more subtle appears. So this is a gradual process and requires patience till one reaches the center or root. I guess it's worth the wait and trouble and anyway there doesn't seem to be any other choice. There will be times when one wonders if one is getting out or to the contrary and one's horror, getting more into the pit of quicksand. These are mere thoughts and do not help if one indulges in it. Thoughts have no power of it's own and it gains strength or disappears into nothingness depending on the indulgence of the thinker. Habits die hard and within a habit, there are many tendencies, each of which has to strengthen or die down. Since at the innermost core of the brain, messages are processed only one thing at a time, all these tendencies are changed one by one. This is why the changes are gradual.

Today I finished hearing all those charama slokams. Like the Amrutanjan strong for headache, I guess it has had some effect on my recovery. I don't know. Atleast I did like to believe so. I went to my psychiatrist and he asked me to continue taking Valp as usual. He said that I can take for 2 months before reducing, if possible. Thankfully, he didn't say that it was mandatory for me to take it the rest of my life. He also accepted my idea that if some nice things turn up in my romantic life and if I can feel some sort of security, I wouldn't need to take even that dosage. He indicated to me that once I was taking 5 medicines in the morning and 5 in the evening. So I have come a long way.

When I escaped from Archana, I fell into the darkness of Pravda. Mind you, I'm not complaining about either Archana or Pravda. They are both important parts of my life. Today, I'm out of both of them, atleast in the sense of any direct link with them.

I really don't know what to say about my actions. To some, I might be a hero and to the rest, a villian. To me, I'm just what I used to be all along. I understand that I have ruffled too many feathers but the law of karma is such that everyone is responsible for his or her own good or bad. Maybe I was just a tool. There are those who used me as a pit bull and also those who used me as a shield and as also those who used me as a barbie and as also as those who used me a dildo. I have no regrets in being used because I liked the attention I have got. But when the attention becomes such that I'm made as some sort of super-human...not that my instinct was to complain...but people start resenting it and I lose friends. I have repeatedly told time and again that I'm just a guy next door and it is my wish to be left like that. If people still doubt me, I'm sorry to say that it is not going to affect me but them. While I'm still a guy next door, I have gone through enough to withstand anything coming my way. I do not want to be a xerox of some movie hero or god or whatever but the original me. If you want to screw with Krishna, find His idol at a Hare Krishna temple and if you want me to show my other cheek like Jesus, go to a sucker on the street. Okay...I'm not entirely innocent but I want you to understand one thing well for your own sake. When people go to Thirupathi and worship and worship the idol, it is the people who are important and not the idol. The people who I came across were all great people who put their faith in me and transformed me into something big. I used to ask my mom why she paid more attention instead of my sis. She said that I was the weaker of the two and hence needed more attention. In Pravda too, the same thing happened. I don't say this from humility because I'm tired of being self-righteous. To this day, I have no idea if I'm really perfect in anything. There are those who is the best cricketer, the most handsome, the most attractive etc. Maybe others too don't know what they are perfect in. Whatever it is, if you people can see me as you first saw me in Pravda, be my friend in FB. Otherwise, you are as good as non-existent in my life. Look, I have gone through a lot. You cannot understand what is happening in my mind. I'm like a wild animal that has entered by mistake into a village and wishing to escape. In a way, it is a little bit different in the sense that I'm a tamed animal that entered into the wild and wishes to escape from the jungle. However, there is one thing I want to mention. Since I have started or made to start some things, I cannot leave those things just like THAT. I do not care much for myself because I'm well insulated but there are those who are dependent on me whom I need to guide to safety till they can look after themselves. So, if you meddle with me till then, I will crap your shit out and make no mistake, I mean it. And I do not care who you are. It looks like 2 months to me but then don't worry about numbers. I also love you who ever you are because frankly I have no other choice. I write this in the full knowledge of karma that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Have a nice day and all the best.