This is something that is true everywhere...the commons think the stars are privileged while the stars think the commons are happy and to add to this mess, the commons become the stars over time and vice versa.
Really...when Archana accepted my proposal and I had a good career, I had nothing else to wish for. But even at that time, I thought I lacked something. I did lack something though it was not what I went after. I went after, although unconsciously, greatness. Life gave me the greatest blow and took everything that I cherished away from me, except for the survival kit. Today, I understand that I had to undergo all that to get a broader definition of love.
I think I may have broken some hearts but this has nothing to do with anything with me. People try one another till they find the right one. I get rejected all the time by girls whom I feel attracted to strongly. But sometimes, it's just that circumstances cannot develop it any further and it fizzles out.
I may look like a romantic who can make a girl quiver under his gaze. But, actually I'm more like a paper tiger when it comes to romance. Even with Archana, I became bold only after she accepted me.
I have spurned some advances from girls recently. Like a recent friend of mine 'Ramya' on facebook. She seemed to be my kind of girl. Maybe I know who she is. Whatever, I'm actually a bit tired of romantic games. With Archana, I have played one too many...I indicate I'm interested in her...she indicates she isn't interested...I ask her if it's because I'm not good enough...she says that's not the reason...I open up more...she declines more...I talk casually to make her feel comfortable...she says friendship is nice...I become informal so she doesn't think love is a sin...she begins to like it but will not admit it...then I say 'goodbye', let's be friends always...she blushes and says, 'no, wait', but still doesn't say 'I love you'...I assume she loves me like in the movies and the books...she becomes excited that she is the object of attention...well...some of these things I have written in my novel...in the end, it's an one-up-manship game...who can prolong hiding their need for the other until the other comes craving on the knees. Forget it. I'm too tired of the games a girl plays. Maybe I'm not even interested in any girl...I don't know. I might not even get married. I have my own spiritual practice to occupy myself and anyway, I'm too old for silly romantic games. I don't know if I can even see a girl from romantic eyes because my perception of others has changed.
Things are too complicated for me. I'm maintaining my brain from going crazy like maintaining a nuclear reactor from exploding. Far more than myself, it is the love of the people who are behind me that is the stabilizing factor.
