Good morning...maybe I went a little far in my blog posts last night.

A newbie once asked me to modify my internet settings when I was in pravda to log into the network. Since that time, even though my brain is severely retarded to have common-sense, I'm aware that I'm a part of the network. Infact, now there is a feedback-mechanism...when I post something that is sensitive, my computer needs rebooting when I start it the next time. It looks like the network flushes out these internet activities of mine so that a hot-blooded intel or terrorist doesn't decide that it is Judgment Day. I'm sorry to cause you any stress this way but I try my best not to get worked up.

I also understand that there is real-time monitoring of my computer and internet activities. I tell this to those who have to sit and put up with me...you can relax and enjoy your job without getting neurotic.

Likewise...don't get stressed out keeping your hands on the panic-button. I won't get psyched out if you disconnect me every now and then for damage control. 

We are all in this together. Unfortunately, there is no dislike option. Even though Archana back-stabbed me, I'm still fond of her and love her, though I understand that she now belongs to someone else. Even though I have left the Pravda forum for good, I cannot leave the network. It' because both Archana and Pravda are very much a part of my life and happy memories, though sometimes gone bitter. Let's try to minimize the friction. I have never wanted more than my share of the world, which is the same as everyone else's.

For all my wanderings, I know clearly the way out and every day I go to my destination. Please do not waste much of your time on me. Go and live your life happily. My life is taken care of. You may keep in touch with me by sending me a 'Hi' in your own way whenever you feel good. You are also never far away from my thoughts. I may sound like a narcissist or an avatar come down to save planet earth, but this is not my real nature. I just want a normal life like everyone else.

My nature

Some people can ask me why I cannot be normal like others. I know that there are those who are sacrificing for me to live a happy life. But my mind is very retarded, paralyzed and comatized. I want to mention that I do not consider myself as someone special and who alone has this malady. You may think that this is an exaggeration but I once even told my counselor with all sincerity that I was not sure of us even talking to each other. I have broken window glasses hurting my hands to prove to my psychiatrist my problem, slit the hands with the blade so that my mom will understand my pain, stripped fully naked before her to get a full protective armour (hearing the story of Duryodhana's vulnerability in the Mahabharatha war), taken sleeping-pills to kill myself, crept to the terrace only to hesitate to jump from there and many other things.

People think that I live a comfortable life. And I don't blame them for thinking like that because they do their best to make me happy. And when I don't reciprocate, they think I'm ungrateful and feel sad that their efforts have gone waste. My way of showing gentleness, unconditional love and kindness is by not letting them see those dirty worlds that I deal with, both internally in my mind and externally out in the world. To give you an example, I prepare myself for any emergency in my mom's health which includes the decision as to when to unplug the life-supporting system. But my mom is not aware that I monitor her health in the back o my mind. She just thinks that I'm often in my blues. Again, I'm not saying that I'm the only one cleaning the dirty linen but I want you to understand that I try to clean some dirt that is around me.

The video is similar to my life except in 2 ways. I never had A Beautiful Mind, like an intellectual scientist though I aspired to be one, but I had A Beautiful Heart, like that of a hopeless romantic, which is my essential nature. The other difference is that the supportive role that the actress plays is for me played by my mother.

Sollikkolla vaayum illai, allikkolla thaayum illai...

karma

Kamal's perspective on violence in his early and later movie

Arjuna thinks that he is such a big-shot that he says in the beginning that he will not feel happy even if he gets the sovereignity over the 3 worlds, much less over earth, seeing his kinsmen killed. While Arjuna does have a pure heart, he is not just interested in Moksha. Being the best archer in the world and a prince, he thinks...why should I lower down to the cowherd Krishna? He thinks...this Krishna sure does have some bag of tricks with him and if I can get something out of it, then I will be great both materially and spiritually. He also knows that he is screwed and trusts that Krishna will not cheat him. So he surrenders name-sake at first. When Krishna finishes all the sermon where He gives all the wisdom He has out of compassion for him, He knows that Arjuna's ego needs to be reigned in. So what He does is...He changes "Tham Eva Sharanam Gacha" in BG 18:62 to "Maam Yekam Sharanam Vraja" in BG 18:66. There cannot be 2 Dons in the same family at the same time. The next in line has to wait till the present one drops down. Courtesy: Godfather Trilogy.

Today we see the same thing among westerners who come to Indian Gurus for a closely guarded spiritual secret but go around calling India as a third-world country.