Difference between dependence, liabiity and independence

We are all social creatures. Not a single entity in the universe, whether it be a blade of grass or a street dog or a man in society can live fully independent. It is also true that not a single entity can give all of the necessities of another entity, whether it is a man-woman, father-son or friend-friend relationship. Good relationships and I mean relationships that everyone expects to succeed, like in the movies or the novels, the ones with the tag '...and they happily lived ever after.' break-up for this reason only. There is no inherent error in the participants because whatever the lapses are could be forgiven with some understanding. But then, the participants expect more and more from each other and this then leads the relationship to become a liability. One drops the other in horror because he or she knows that the needs cannot be fulfilled alone. But since one is bound by the vows taken when the relationship started, one goes on only as long as the basic commitments are met, like for example in a marriage, paying whatever alimony. After that comes independence, but even here caution is needed because it's impossibly difficult to live a lonely life. So one still interacts with those related before but this time one looks into the self that is beneath their exterior. Such a self may look a little boring or bland or imperceptible, but it is nevertheless there and it is the only one with which one can truly bond. There is freedom and ease in loving such a self because it doesn't make any demands, being self-content. This is what people say as detached love.

Why self-love is better than self-sacrifice

Let's be clear at the outset that self-love is not selfishness. It's because self-love appreciates oneself not at the cost of others as selfishness does.

Self-sacrifice is also different from self-crucification. It's because self-sacrifice brings about some good for another while self-crucification is done without any benefit to another.

So then let's compare self-love and self-sacrifice. It is seen quite clearly that no beggar can give to another beggar, unless ofcourse he has some excess of what he has received and his own hunger is satisfied. That is why it is said that charity begins at home. If one is always wretched, one cannot focus on helping another. He or she will infact be a burden to the other. However, when one feels joyous, it spreads across his or her environment without even any effort on the part of the person. Note that self-love doesn't mean self-indulgence in material things. Self-love doesn't mean that one goes immediately on a spending spree or book a yacht or take a stunning mate to the bed. It means a little of those things as material things are a medium of happiness but more importantly, it means not condemning oneself with guilt feelings or self-harm or resisting grace or saying no to the free blessings available all around.

Having said that, let's take self-sacrifice. Sure, self-sacrifice is a very noble and good thing. There is only one problem with it...it is not something that one wants to keep doing all eternity. If one has decided to live happily all eternity, one doesn't want to keep subjecting oneself to repeated sacrifices that are painful. There is always an element of pain in sacrifice and so if one keeps sacrificing all eternity, then one has to also keep experiencing these pains all eternity. Then, does it mean that sacrifices has no value? It has,only to the extent that on gets out of the grip of the worldly life. A space shuttle keeps sacrificing only till it reaches the geo-stationary orbit. Once there, it doesn't need to give up anything more. Then there comes the most important question that anyone who has seen it all in his or her life...if I don't sacrifice, who is going to take care of those responsibilities like looking after my spouse or driving my car or not having the roof fall on my head? The answer is...one has to do these sacrifices as long as one gets into the geo-stationary orbit. When one gets into it, then one gets into auto-pilot. It's easy to understand...for example, when one learns to play tennis, one consciously and with some discomfort learns the strokes, then it becomes a habit but still one may be uneasy and finally it becomes second nature without any stress whatsoever. Life is more complex but the same principle operates. In life's journey, one has to keep shedding the unnecessary things as and when required. This requires some care or focus or attention in the initial stages. Then one enters into the meditative phase where it isn't difficult to shed worldly things but worries will still be there. At this stage, there is no other option but to patiently experience these worries instead of escaping or denying their existence. What are these worries? They are nothing but your own little worldly life (the cells in your body) scared that you are abandoning it for something higher. When you got into this worldly life, you added these onto you thinking that they were all there is to you. Now, when you have realized that you belong to something bigger, you are neglecting these closest buddies for no fault of theirs. So, you need to acknowledge them, remove their fears (for they depend on you for their existence) and finally when the time is right, say goodbye in a peaceful manner. Then you can enter into the auto-pilot and be relieved of all worldly cares for both yourself and those around you. The 3 stages are Dharana, Dhyana and Samadhi.

Anyway, when one is liberated, one will be still acting or doing things but it will not be some painful sacrifice. It will be an enjoyable duty.

So, if someone asks you to sacrifice your life for your country, enquire first if there is the option of living for your country.

Arvind Ji in Dhyana of his would-be soul-mate