I find it difficult to trust another because of my ex. But I don't blame her. She had her reasons. I live inside myself. I don't know if I can ever get over my retardation. My uncle had an ailment similar to alzheimer's disease. He went lonely and depressed after one of his two sons left home forever after becoming manic. Another son of his is a very nice guy who is close to me but he too is depressed. He isn't smart but is very hard-working. My uncle's daughter was depressed too after marrying a guy who suddenly started disliking her immediately after marriage. Only my aunt is not depressed but she is sad in her own way. In his last years, my uncle went aloof and after a point didn't bother talking to others. One month before his death, me and my mom went to meet him at the hospital. The doctor said that his brain had shrunk. When he saw me, he became very happy and had tears in his eyes. I think good old memories must have come to him. But though he tried to speak, he couldn't do so because it had lost all capacity to do so from non-use. But he could hear what we said. It was sad for us to speak to him but not for him to respond. I told him that everything will be alright. I knew then that he was not going to last for long. My aunt, the traditional Indian woman that she is, just wanted him to be alive long enough before she died a sumangali, even though she had to sometimes clean the room when he defecated unknowingly. They were financially poor too. On the 10th day after my uncle's death, his daughter-in-law caught a flight to UK. I told my cousin that from now on, everything will be fine for their family. He has a got a very strong wife and a nice kid.

I don't know but I feel kind of like my uncle. I just cannot relate to anything any more in this life. I have lost the capacity to feel even.

I sense people loving me and doing their best to help me but I am unable to relate to them. I live inside myself. I have pain. I also believe that it is darkest before dawn.