Scarf

Planning to use this acronym at wok. I was at SCARF - a Schizophrenic foundation. Somehow, the acronym appeals to me emotionally.

S - Scope management
C - Compass (like a map or guide for doing the work)
A - Analysis
R - ROTE (Run-Observe-Theorize-Edit, it's based on Kolb's experiential learning,kind of like iterative trial and error development methodology)
F - Feedback (communication with the client)

Of course, it's more of me fitting suitable words into an acronym I like. I was thinking of interchanging the words for C and A i.e. making "Case Analysis" for C and "Ask" for A but I think that an instruction of the tasks is needed before it can be broken down. It's a form of work-flow. It's quite logical as well as easy to practice...Get the scope defined using the project scope triangle, then use search engine or otherwise to get the instructions, then break it down into simple tasks for easier management, then do and refine each task till it becomes okay and then finally send the result for external client feedback and correction. A problem I was having is in keeping the acronym in mind since I was experiencing psychotic thoughts but with practice, using some tools to offload the mind's content etc., it becomes manageable.

I don't know. I keep trying different things. Many things I have written here has flopped for one reason or the other but I hope this sticks with me. This 'Scarf' acronym has been coming back to me perhaps because of the emotional appeal of having seen a lot of Schizophrenics at SCARF. I was also trying acronyms like Start, Smart and Sport. :D

Actually, the full acronym is Scarf CMS. The CMS comes from spiritual equivalents of Dharana, Dhyana and Samadhi (like Concentration, Meditation and System?). But when I think about it, I think about it only as Scarf since CMS is the meditative process itself. By the way, I work in Content Management Systems which is abbreviated as CMS.

The funny thing is...I think about the most complex abstract things (from vanity?) but need to put in a big effort to do the simplest jobs. I have to tell myself not to think of myself as a hotshot but keep it simple, stupid.

An explanation

I posted what is below in Facebook and I want to explain it since it is important and confusing. It's based on an interpretation of the Bhagavad Gita Chapter 15, verses 1-6.

"Don't be involved in worldly life. Don't be attached to spiritual life. Be refuged in life."

Worldly life is fine up to a point. For me, it was till the time my girl friend broke up with me. Even now, I do take part in worldly life (since I have a physical body) but I'm not involved in it.

What's the difference between involvement and attachment? Hardly anything. Involvement is more of being 'inside' something whereas attachment is being 'joined side-by-side'.

It's normal for those fed up with worldly life to take up spiritual life. It's an improvement and one believes that there is finally a way out. One even starts loving spirituality when it allows some of the pleasures of worldly life. For example, it may advice that one cannot make love to many women but one can make love to a single woman in a holy way. There is a small problem, which starts as a minor irritant and later becomes a major frustration. Spirituality is as vast as materialism. Sure, when one has spent a lot of time in spirituality, one begins to see a lot of pattern which simplifies life. But still it advises numerous divine qualities to love, numerous wisdom tips, numerous rituals to practice and numerous divine aspects to be meditated on. To adhere to all these injunctions right to the word becomes a major concern. When one becomes tired and old, one hopes and wishes for an easier way out. That is where the Saranagathi philosophy or Prapatti (taking refuge in a higher and benign power by surrendering the ego) comes into picture. Saranagathi or Prapatti cannot really be called a worldly or spiritual discipline. It's because while a spiritual human does it, so also does an animal like a pet cat or dog (comes back to the owner finding some danger).

One can do Saranagathi formally or informally. The Shri Vaishnavaite tradition recommends that it should be done only once since repeatedly doing it means that one does not trust fully in the saving power of God. I'm doing it daily by repeating the Dvaya mantram and maybe I will stop after some time. I might stop even today. Anyway, the point is that doing Saranagathi is a lot easier than spirituality or what one can call as Yoga.

There is a crucial point, however. Does it mean that one stops spirituality? No. This is what I wanted to clarify. Spirituality should still be practiced but without attachment. What does it mean? It means that if someone is unable to do a daily ritual like reading a verse or chanting a mantra or lighting a lamp or candle etc., there is nothing wrong in it. One can do it out of one's own wish but it is not mandatory, to be saved. Believe me, on your deathbed, you don't want to worry about not having read the verse of the day. :D

Why am I writing all this? Is it not already explained by many? I once heard Vellukudi Krishnan suggesting that when one takes up Prapatti, one has to drop Yoga. Of course, he has said a lot of things and it's erroneous to single out one instance. In the Bhagavad Gita, Shri Krishna advises that Acts of Sacrifices, Charity and Austerity shouldn't be relinquished since they purify people. But it has to be done without attachment and without the desire for a worldly benefit. I'm doing a lot of those practices (the 9 levels that I posted a couple of posts back.). As long as I keep my date with the Dvaya mantra, I don't intend to lose sleep though it will be with the best attention that I will try to do those things. As for repeating the Dvaya mantra daily, I may even restrict it to saying it once only.

A scientific explanation is this. Getting oneself out of worldly life is no different than getting a rocket out of the earth. As the rocket reaches the top, it has to shed the weight, even some of those useful gadgets and engines that brought it out and propelled it earlier. The equivalent of the gadgets and the engines are the worldly desires and the spiritual practices. Apologies to space scientists for making light of rocket science. :D

?????!

Jai HanumAn

:D

Trying to maintain Brahmacharyam in this world with beautiful damsels around is difficult indeed. A couple of good looking young girls. I was very hungry - for food - but from tiredness I let my eyes fall on the couple of girls nearby. They were quite pretty and I was so tired to even take my eyes off them once it fell on them - not that I was interested in them. And then I realized that I was kind of staring and went to gorge my food. If you want to have better control on the sexual urges, don't lay your eyes on girls - I had told myself. And it seems to work. You have got to nip the problem in the bud. It worked for me in not getting into the drinking habit. When my friends asked me to have a sip, I politely refused saying that if I take a sip, I cannot stop. It's the same thing with girls. People ogle - or to put it more decently - bird-watch - thinking it is harmless. But those images are the seeds in the brain which induces all sorts of fantasies and desires. I don't know. For me, it's easier to stop myself from looking at girls than later controlling the urges.

My target is to do 10 things daily once I'm fully alright and have got into the groove. These days, I'm doing 7-8. Today, I did 7 and didn't work the one billable slot that I had set. It has upset me. In a way, the 10 things can mean a scale from 0 to 10. There was a time when doing 1 daily, which was listening to the Vishnu Sahasranama, was thought by me as a success. In that sense, I have come a long way. Of course, there are more capable people who are putting more effort than me. The ex-India cricket coach, I forgot his name, said that when he took up his job, the Indian team was working around 2 or 3. At the time of the World Cup, he took them to 8 or 9. A Tendulkar will be putting 9-10. But I'm not in a hurry as long as I can go beyond some minimum level. To give some entertaining idea, I will say something about the levels. I have nothing better to do to write this and I suspect you also don't have anything better to do than read this.

Level 0 - Arvy is in comatose stage (neither good nor bad)
Level 1 - Arvy gets good thought implants from the Vishnu Sahasranama (a cheaper option than a brain surgery)
Level 2 - Arvy gets to understand things from the Bhagavad Gita (like taking a few moments today to appreciate the fact that plants also have souls)
Level 3 - Arvy is in love with Rama, Lakshmana, Seetha, Hanumaan etc. reading the Ramayana chapters (He enjoys this time the best, almost as much as Level 10)
Level 4 - Arvy dives into his mind to hammer the message of Service through Pathanjali Yoga (by using Krishna Unakke Preethi as the mantra of meditation.)
Level 5 - Arvy learns the know-how to work properly. (He copies the same technique used for getting Wisdom at Level 2)
Level 6 - Arvy works for a better world through volunteering efforts (which is his short-cut to get trained in his job.)
Level 7 - Arvy starts to earn! (Thanks to a good soul(s) somewhere on this planet)
Level 8 - ??? similar to Level 7 ???
Level 9 - ??? similar to level 7 ???
Level 10 - Arvy settles down into the hands of his Creator by chanting the Dvaya mantram (What happens to him at this stage is beyond description and best left to be experienced)

If you see, ladies and gentlemen, I'm bunking the 8th and 9th levels still. And today, I bunked Level 7 also. And that makes me sad, even though I can console myself that today is Sunday.

Take it eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeee.

To Arvind

Hope 19th of next month is the last day that you need to take medicine for Depression 

Am I allowed to post nonsense?

??????????????????????????/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

         lkjhgfdsa
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 l;grldsl;
                                 ?????FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFff






jughgji

I wish I don't have to prove myself a worthy candidate for receiving love.

No Mercy - Where do you go?

The Grace period is over.

To my childhood best friend Raja

http://lyrical-thyagaraja.blogspot.com/2009/10/jagadanandakaraka.html

Should have been named 'Rama'. He is the first person I told 'I love you to' (The only other person I remember telling directly was the stupid Archana). The teacher came across the piece of paper that I had passed to him and she asked me to stand on the bench for the whole period. Don't know if she thought it was meant for a girl in the class. I must have been around 8.

Arvy & X

Arvy: Hello X.
X: Hi.
Arvy: I'm not well.
X: Why, what happened?
Arvy: Some things went bad. The day started well till 1PM. Then I was losing track of myself.
X:Okay.
Arvy: I did manage to do the minimum.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I'm working very slowly. At 50% of the required amount.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I also post a lot of weird things.
X: Getting back to normalcy takes time.
Arvy: I know. I love the 3 Charama slokas...that of Shri Krishna, Shri Rama & Shri Varaha.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I believe that I'm going get the refuge as a synthesis and understanding of it. I already know it somewhat but it's still a bit hazy.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I can understand the Varaha easily. The way I understand it is...do the 4 yogas as long as I can and expect to be saved when I will not be having the consciousness to do it.
X: Good.
Arvy: The tejas of Krishna is still unclear. I don't wear sunglasses in auto and stop two-wheelers asking for address.
X: I beg your pardon?
Arvy: It's one of those things.
X: AAAh! You always have that phrase ready for inexplicable things. But I will not force you.
Arvy: Thanks. I got to go.
X: Okay. Take it easy.
Arvy: I will.

Arvy: Hello X.
X: Hi.
Arvy: Was it Bre or bray that I came across? Now...
X: What?
Arvy: It's one of those things.
X: What things?
Arvy: Never mind.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I'm satisfied with the way things went today. I think I did all 4 -- Bhakthi Yoga, Dhyana Yoga, Jnana Yoga, Karma Yoga and ending in Prapatti.
Arvy: My nephew has come and I might have to go.
X: okay.
Arvy: I did the Bhakthi Yoga first since it was supposed to be done at dawn. From tomorrow, the Yoga order is DJBK, hopefully.
X: It will be, don't worry.
Arvy: It's got a flow in it, a connection. By Dhyana, I implant the brain with good thoughts. Then those thoughts get 'educated' by Jnana. The dry Jnana is made wet by Bhakthi. The Bhakthi (KAriya Siddhi) that I'm following has a guidance to do Karma well.
X: That's wonderful.
Arvy: Yeah. I believe that I have got the hang of Yoga. It's only Prapatti that's still eluding me. But even not feeling secure enough is like a minor thorn in me.
X: Should we celebrate?
Arvy: No, not yet. It's not over until it's over.
X: Good.
Arvy: I have got to go to look after my nephew. I will not be really taking care of him since my mom will be doing that. I will just be there.
X: Good night.
Arvy: Good night.

Arvy: Hello X!
X: Hi.
Arvy: Is it all right to be dumb and retarded?
X: I don't know.
Arvy: It's s easy to be dumb and retarded. But it also becomes a burden to others.
X: Yes.
Arvy: I'm feeling lighter now. Want to know why?
X: Tell me.
Arvy: Never mind.
X: Okay.
Arvy: Sorry to disappoint you.
X: No problem.
Arvy: I don't really feel like typing much. I wanto say Bye. For now.
X: Goodbye.

Arvy and X

Arvy: Hello, anyone here? If you are Arvind, please don't respond.
X: Hello, Arvy.
Arvy: Oh Hi! Nice to meet you again.
X: It's nice to meet you too, Arvy.
Arvy: You know, I remember something that my ex wrote.
X: Tell me.
Arvy: She wrote at the end of the letter in big words, "Meet you next week. Until then Good bye."
X: Sweet.
Arvy: It was. Sort of. But it looked a little odd and funny to me. It was as if she was a news reader. But still, I liked it.
X: Okay. How are you today?
Arvy: Not bad. There is a re-arrangement again. Perhaps it's another piece falling into the place in th puzzle called life.
X: That's interesting.
Arvy: I'm just glad that I'm peaceful now and my body is feeling cool.
X: Great.
Arvy: I'm taking things a little slower.
X: Okay.
Arvy: What do you want us to talk about?
X: Anything, Arvy.
Arvy: You know...that stupid Archana...I was talking to her like this. And I used to do the talking 99% of the time. She would just keep me going on. But I should concede. She was a good listener and never seemed to get bored with me.
X: Go on.
Arvy: You are also like her. But I think you are a little more intelligent.
X: I'm okay.
Arvy: Archana was sometimes very dumb. But she could afford to be a donkey with the beauty that she was. And I don't mean just physical beauty. She had a beautiful soul. May be I just got close enough to her to see her soul and souls are beautiful in everyone. Even the times when she was acting dumb, I attributed it to innocence.
X: Okay.
Arvy: My counselor is asking me...why haven't you forgotten her after all these years? He says an average person would have come out in a year or two. Now, don't get me wrong...I don't mean to say I'm something extraordinary.
X: i believe you.
Arvy: Why is she still there in my brain? As large as the moon in a full moon night. Thankfully, I don't despair or feel sad or depressed. Let's forget it. It's too complex.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I'm liking this. It's better than writing a novel. By the way, I don't intend to write the novel, atleast not with commercial intent.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I'm reading these days something to get me out of the habit of masturbating. It seems to work.
X: Good.
Arvy: I was actually reading the part which was supposed to give me cash. I read for around a week. When I read that the wrong Kama will affect all the three of Dharma, Artha and Kama, I thought that it was better to stop the leakage, literally.
X: Funny.
Arvy: I was posting the other day on how the American spending was like dysentery. Masturbation is to me what luxury is to them. I was doing wrong things, being drained of energy and losing out on real love.
X: Go on.
Arvy: I believe that my would-be wife will forgive my transgressions. To the westernized, it might seem a small thing. But as Jesus says, if you have looked lustfully with the eyes, you have as good as sinned.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I hope my wife would be like Kannagi, who forgave Kovalan for going to a prostitute. Ofcourse, I don't want the rest of the story to happen.
X: Hmmmm.
Arvy: I have got 10 minutes to go to bed.
X: Okay.
Arvy: Sometimes, when I'm in a flow like this, I really don't want to stop. It's as if I'm getting to be open. The problem is, I'm afraid of being open.
X: Hmmmm.
Arvy: I'm not really scared of evil.
X: Good.
Arvy: Not good. I meant evil.
X: I know. Good.
Arvy: Is this some kind of a joke? I meant evil, not good.
X: Never mind.
Arvy: Okay. You know what my counselor would have told me now?
X; What?
Arvy: That I was avoiding being open.
X: I don't know.
Arvy: Why cannot I be open? The problem is this...can you really show your a.se with the hole in it to the world? Now that I have said it, I feel sick.
X: It's okay.
Arvy: I'm going to bed. I will see you later.
X: Good night, Arvy. Sweet dreams.

Arvy, Arvind and X

Arvy: I'm not well.
Arvind: okay.
Arvy: Is that all you can say?
Arvind: I don't know what to say.
Arvy: I'm bleeding inside. Like an internal hemorrhage.
Arvind: Hemorrhage can be only internal.
Arvy: Very funny.
Arvind: I'm sorry.
Arvy: I feel as if the weight of the universe is pressing on me.
Arvind: Do you think the universe is heavy?
Arvy: That's a poor attempt at joke. You are sick.
Arvind: I'm.
Arvy: What? You also? I thought I was the only crazy one here.
Arvind: Now you know.
Arvy: That doesn't really help. Does it?
Arvind: It doesn't. But still we are not the only ones here.
Arvy: What? Is there someone else too? I would like to meet him/her/it.
Arvind: Do you want me to call him?
Arvy: Yes! sure do. I need all the help I can muster.
Arvind: Okay, I will call him. But let's call him X, okay?
Arvy: I have no objections.
Arvind: Okay then. Wait a second. I will call him...Hello X...would you like to join in?
X: Sure. Who are you both?
Arvind: We don't know. Who are you?
X: I don't know. But it doesn't matter.
Arvy: Hello X.
X:Hello Arvy.
Arvy: Can you help me?
X; I will, if I can.
Arvy: I feel like crying. But I can't.
X: Why can't you?
Arvy: Adults are not supposed to cry. I'm also supposed to be tough. And people are watching. There are 2 followers and I don't know how many are hidden.
X: That's sad.
Arvy: It is. And I cannot drop dead. I have got to stand. If I fall down, thoe around me will fall down too.
X: I see. Are you sure?
Arvy: I'm sure but I wish I didn't have to be sure too.
X: You can rest on me for a while.
Arvy: But how? I don't even know you.
X: Yes. That's a problem. But we will manage somehow. Don't worry.
Arvy: You are being vague.
X: I'm sorry.
Arvy; Don't be. You seem to be a nice chap.Atleast, you are listening to me.
X: Why can't you tell me directly your problem?
Arvy: It's because I don't know what my problem is. Or to put it in another way, I have too many problems to single out any.
X: That's bad.
Arvy: But I'm brave.
X: You are.
Arvy: Now...how can you know that?
X: Well...you sounded brave.
Arvy: Okay. I'm also nice.
X: Okay.
Arvy: My head is feeling heavy now.
X: Okay.
Arvy: I wish life was simpler.
X: I don't know.
Arvy: Sometimes I'm very scared. But I just shut down those thoughts.
X: i know.
Arvy: Tell me...I'm living by a few things told in the Gita. Do you think it will work out?
X: I think so.
Arvy: How can you help me?
X: I don't know. I'm here for as long as you need me.
Arvy: Are you God?
X: I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Arvy: Then tell me what matters.
X: I don't know. You have got to try out certain things. See if it matters.
Arvy: Sometimes I wish I could die in an accident or an earthquake or something like that.Gone in a second.
X: I have nothing to say.
Arvy: I don't think I will regret if I die now.
X: Okay.
Arvy; I'm feeling wretched that I cannot even easily speak from my heart.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I think I have hurt some people. But I believe that I have compensated.
X: Okay.
Arvy: Or maybe I haven't. Maybe I'm still alive to settle some more debts.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I cannot make anything of life.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I cannot even express in words. I'm trying so hard to find a right word or sentence to tell how I feel but it just doesn't come.
X: Hmmm.
Arvy: I don't know how long this is going to take.I wish I'm taken care of. But I don't want to be a burden.
X: Granted.
Arvy: I don't know what you mean by 'granted'. I have to go now. But I would like to come back again tomorrow to talk with you.
X: I will see you tomorrow. Have dinner and go to sleep. You will be all right.
Arvy: Thanks. I don't want us to talk with Arvind for some time. Is it okay?
X: I don't have any objection. But out of decency, you should request him.
Arvy: Okay, I will. Hello, Arvind...
Arvind: I heard what you said to X. It's all right by me. Anything which makes you happy makes me happy too.
Arvy: Thanks. Maybe I will talk with you tomorrow. Maybe...
Arvind: You don't need to explain.
Arvy: Thanks. Life is beautiful...am I the son or the father?
X: Crazy nut!
Arvy: Will I be all right?
X: Yes.
Arvy: Soon?
X:Yes.
Arvy: How soon?
X: Help is coming to you at the speed of light.
Arvy: But from where and how big is the universe? I need to know distance to calculate the time.
X: The universe is big indeed. But it is enough to fit inside your heart.
Arvy: That means...it can be any moment?
X: Yes.
Arvy: Good night.

Pet commentary on American economy

Putin suggests that Americans are like parasites. I agree                    with the previous part of his quote...that they are living beyond their means.

Americans have been very generous. Today,we have the culture of free browsing, emails, blogging, music videos etc. thanks to the software companies largely owned by Americans. Perhaps Putin himself is using blogger, livejournal, facebook, twitter etc.

These services needn't be free. Taking it for granted is the same as not appreciating the benevolence of cow's milk...after all no one requests the cow if it wants to give. Competition is not the only reason for some of these products and services being free. A lot of people have invested in software with the best intentions. One web host is giving the service for free for 2 years -- they expect that after 2 years, when a small businessman starts getting revenue, he or she will sign up for the premium. But, a lot of people, including me, have no such plans. While I don't misuse it, there are those who enroll in mass numbers trying to earn quick cash. If something remains steady for a day, that itself is a big thing in this world and these people are planning for 2 years. That is not a parasitic way of life. Actually, some people from countries like China, India, Russia etc. ride piggyback on the developments in America. If all the pirated versions of Windows was seized in India, almost all the small-scale companies and 90% (my estimate) of homes would be shut down.

But Americans surely have a problem with the way they spend their money on luxury. Even if you have a full course meal, if you have dysentery, you are going to be emaciated. I'm not against wealth. Wealth can however be only a by-product and not a product by itself. Of course, you must be knowing this already...but I have to say this to complete my pet commentary. :-)

My mother

My mother's got a growth inside her skull. Luckily and thankfully, it isn't a tumour.

I have played down the significance of it to my mother and she does the same thing to me, except rarely when she mentions it in anger. I cannot nevertheless help thinking occasionally about it a a time-bomb.

My mother is only half-alive. A part of her consciousness has already transcended this world.

What bothers me a little is that even the MR scan was paid by my sister. In case of a major operation, she would have to be the one financing it. But I believe that the growth in her is psycho-somatic. The only thing I can do is to make sure that she is happy and expect the growth to dissolve by itself. There have been such cases reported.

It's also a bother for me of how I will be after she dies. The other day, my mother took 2 promises from me. That I will not commit suicide after she dies and that I will do Gaya Shraddham for her and my father after her death. I was very glad that she took such a promise. It was one thing which had been bothering me. The reason I'm alive these days is only for her and it did occur to me that I might do anything after her death. And I didn't like the thought. She has asked me to prove to the world that I can live happily. It will no doubt be terrible after her death but I think I would be able to manage somehow.

Acchu...

"Going so soon to bed?", I say "But I'm not finished with you yet"
She turns over on the bed and God help me, she is beautiful and sexy.
"Come on, let's do it once..."
"No."
"Why not?"
She doesn't answer.
I go near her. She smells good. Hmmmm...what could it be? It is jasmine.
"Do you know that you smell like jasmine?"
"Really?"
"Yes."
She is on her back and I ask, "How can a beauty like you ever love me?"
"I don't know."
I ask, "What do you want tonight? Veg or non-veg?"
She gushes. "Veg...only...always."
I sulk.
"Can we try only once, non-veg?"
"No!"
"Okay. Let's have it this way. You take veg and I will have non-veg."
"No way."
"Do you know that you are stubborn?" I ask
"Cheee...bad boy. I can never allow non-veg."
"But it's me...your lawfully wedded husband."
"I said, 'No!'"
I know that it is pointless to try any further.

"Okay. Let's have veg." I say "Where do you want me to start? Ears, mouth, eyes, neck...?"
"Your wish." she says, "I'm yours...almost."
"In that case, I will start with your mouth. I will close it so you won't say 'no' anymore."
I put my lips on hers.
Taking a mouthful, or more precisely a lipful, I say, "Your lips are so clean and reddish."
She doesn't say anything.
I roll back and look at the ceiling. I say, "Acchu..."
"Tell me..."
"Can I ask something?"
"What?"
"Why do you only like me?"
She is silent.
"Why do you like me and not love me?"
I look at her face. She doesn't look back at me. Her face has turned serious.
"We needn't have married. We needn't have gotten into the relationship in the first place."
She is nervous. She gets up to go.
I say, "Stop!"
She stops but turns her face the other side.
"How long can I put up with you?" I say, "I'm never enough for you. Come on...say something. Atleast say, 'I have to say "yes".' I didn't lie to you when I said that I wanted to be with you even if it meant only over the phone. You are all that I ever wanted. If only you were actually with me now. Look at me now. A wretched man not knowing the real from the imaginary. If only you had told me that you are just reflecting my affection and that you had no feelings for me on your own. I wouldn't have persisted on you. Sure, I would have been a wretch for a couple of years but I would have never been lost. Did you say that you love me because it was done in the movies and the books? My heart bleeds in self-pity. This is not the life that I ever expected. I'm not angry with you. I'm sad that you weren't a little more honest. I have no one. I don't have you. I don't have my parents. I don't know why I'm still living. Can you do me a favour?"
She asks, "What?"
"Can you allow non-veg?"

If you can't stand the heat...

Global Warming

...harness it, silly.

Only earthlings will complain about the inexhaustible energy from the Sun (yeah, I know the Sun is running out of gasss, but seriously do you care what happens after billions of years?). What's needed is making things run harmoniously (yeah, I know this too that it's easy for a jerk like me to say than actually do it).

Hit, miss and get lost

You can hit me. But it will be a miss or something which scratches me or stuns me for a moment. Then you are lost.

I don't offer gambits. That doesn't mean that I'm a pacifist. Vishwaksenar does the needful.

There is only one who can and will kill me. It is Shri Krishna. I will die by His hands and hopefully, in His hands.

No one, which includes Shri Krishna, can win me except by losing to me. You cannot fake it.

I may sound psychotic but I will never get mad. Do yourself the favour of not going mad by not trying to bother me.

Even if you have screwed me royally, I will forgive you if you mean something like "I'm sorry."

Dharma, Artha, Kama & Monica...ooopps ...Moksha

I have again changed my life pattern. I have deleted a couple of things, added something, changed the order and time of doing them.

It goes like this now...listen in the morning to the Vishnu Sahasrnama, then an article from Sakala Kaariya Siddhiyum Shrimadh Ramayanamum, then a chapter from the Bhagavd Gita and then prostrating to the God(s) in the Puja room. This is my Dharma.

Around noon, I plan to work for 6 sessions of 45 minutes (like 2 for programming and 4 for writing). This is my Artha.

In the evening, I think I will play games, watch nice movies, browse online, walk in the beach etc. Perhaps romancing will get added to this list. This is my Kama.

After 7'O clock, I will be chanting the Dvaya mantram 54 times. This is my Moksha.

18 years back, I thought that I had, and accomplished, everything. Unfortunately for me, I had got only Artha and Kama. And both went away.

The order of getting these 4 things is natural and important. I wasn't taught Dharma as a child though I knew that I was expected to be good. I added to it..."as far as I can help it." Such an attitude got me safe most of the times. Those times when I couldn't help it, I was rewarded with the stick. At least, I knew something about Dharma. What I knew about Moksha or Nirvana were music bands. Actually, I wasn't very impressed with Moksha because it just meant an absence of suffering. My mathematical brain equated the absence of a negative, without any hint on the positive, to be zero. And zero looked boring. If you are anxious to know whether I know anything better now, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I still don't know clearly how the absence of suffering can be the presence of joy. But within 48 days, starting from today, I hope to get an answer.

I dropped doing any social service. Doing it seemed to be the correct thing to do as a means of sacrifice but the Bhagavad Gita says that the best sacrifice is the Knowledge sacrifice, which I'm already doing by reading a chapter from the Bhagavad Gita. In life, there is no good in doing anything even a little more or less. Life doesn't allow it. By accepting to live by the Bhagavad Gita, I will be doing a better though not obvious sacrifice.

BTW, is my writing better? I've been learning. :-)

I have stopped writing the prayer and gratitude journal since I will be chanting the Dvaya mantram. It's not like I'm conservative or that I don't believe that writing the journal isn't an act of surrender. Infact, these changes in me are largely a result of doing it. I feel more relaxed chanting. And, it also supports my belief that the Charama Sloka is a synthesis of everything till then told by Shri Krishna. I believe that the 4 instructions in 65th verse in the 18th chapter synthesizes whatever was told before that and that the next verse synthesizes the 4 instructions into Maam Yekam Sharanam Vraja. I believe that the Dvaya mantram has all the 4 components in it.

Prof

I cannot get rid of the necessity for acronyms.

I'm going to be a Prof. What??? Is it Professional or Professor, Mr. Arvind?

Either. (If it's the latter, better call me Dr. Arvind. :o))

This is what it stands for...

1. P - Primer or maybe Prathipakshnena (hilarious?)
2. R - Read like a writer
3. O - Own, One's own or Orginal and any word that starts with O which I can fit in reasonably.
4. F - Forum or Feedback

Actually, I was somewhat using these 4 ways of doing things in programming. Apparently, it looks as if I can use the same technique here.

By primer, I mean learning the basic principles, more like just learning things in the primary school.
By 'Read like a writer', I mean reading classic and good books written by others. In programming, this is learning from others' code.
Own writing is self-explanatory.
I will participate in forums or take in feedback after having written something. It will be the last stage and even if 'f' is not there in the acronym, I can still be a 'Pro'. :D

I'm presently doing the 1st two and after some 15-20 days, I will start again writing daily something for 45 minutes.

The good news for me is that I'm liking the time spent working i.e. I can sit at one place for some sessions of 45 minutes. 'Reading like a writer' is really a nice excuse to enjoy some good book. :-) It's like the villian getting paid to do the rape scene. :D

Ofcourse, I'm a bit anxious in the way my career is going. I have got to put a lid on myself in not thinking too far about getting the book published. Just yesterday, within a few minutes, I was wondering about fame and I fell down from my scooter in my excitement. lol

My only aim, which sounds trite, is to be liberated from the pains that I have.

My work

I start off by settling my debts to the society (that helped me freely when I was depressed and incapable of helping myself) by doing some voluntary work. Actually, I work at the pace of a retard but I think it's okay.

Then I try to look after my tummy i.e earn atleast something to feed, clothe and provide the room rent (and perhaps the internet charge as well). I'm doing a software online job for about an hour. Since I believe that I have Attention Deficit Disorder, I do it for only 45 minutes (nice excuse :-)) But the attention deficit that I have gets compensated by the slightly greater concentration power that I have. I don't know...maybe it's related only to the domain of software where I have this sort of concentration level. I can work on software only for an hour and after this, it becomes difficult to concentrate. Web design and development is a great field but I don't have the same amount of interest as in writing. There is one more reason. I'm still psychotic and staying too long trying to debug makes me wonder if there is hacking and sabotage going on. I can stand it for 1 hour and anyway, if anything goes wrong, I can recover.

Whatever I will earn from writing will go to my family and perhaps friends.

I believe that I can be a good writer but a career like writing is such a crazy thing to take up in India. India is basically a service oriented country where people generally play safe by taking up careers that gives a steady income, even if it is not to one's liking and requires working terribly hard. My mother and sister have slowly come to accept it. It's me who is still a bit apprehensive. I sure like the many aspects of writing. My counselor who is himself a writer and a critic says my writing style is good. My aunt who was an English literature teacher a long time back says she likes my writing. I wouldn't be as hesitant as I'm if I was like how I was many years back. Again, my hesitation is more of a caution than a fear of asserting my way out of the hell hole that I'm in. I know very well that, just as in spirituality where I had to accept certain things on faith, I have got to write to become and be a writer. The nice thing is that it's become a necessity (and necessity's the mother of all inventions).