My doc has asked me to take only Valp 500mg morning and night. This was the target he planned to achieve with me. He told me that he will be reducing the medicines gradually till I can be sustained with only Valp. So technically, I'm alright by the standards of the psychiatrist. By my standards, I'm 99.75% alright. For the first time since the depression started, my skin doesn't burn any more. However, I get a slight headache which I think comes from chemical imbalances in the brain. Valp is a drug against mood-swings i.e. between depression and feelings of high. What can I say? It's not over until it's over. But I can take some moments to relish having reached this far. But it wouldn't have been possible without the help I have got from those around me. Thank you. I believe the remaining 0.25% will come from 2 miracles.

To my Sweet Heart, whoever you are

Life seems to be getting back to what it was 17 years ago. The walk under the trees, the eating of corn-puffs, the listening to the soft music, the chillness of the air from the down-pouring of the rain, a network of family and friends, working in installments to get the pocket-money...only a girl and an X factor is missing. I can wait...

Never thought I will get into bed with some spies. They seem to have a liking for me worser than that of the ancient Greek homo lovers. :)

The Elliots Beach is so commercialized that it has lost it's charm. I don't mind the crowd and also the beggars but people just want to make money out of it. The Karl Schmidt Memorial is just left without any care.

I can make a guess as to who I met today...maybe someone whose name rhymes with Einstein. My respect for Einstein is so much that I remember his name so often. he he he.

I'm almost there. Just one more step and then my mind will no more think of life. As my counselor said, the mind is good for things like calculating on a work or in making travel costs but not in analyzing or living life. That is why the Pathanjali Yoga talks about quietening the mind as the ultimate end. Only in the canvas of a quiet mind can the painting of the heart be drawn. Ha..there...what a nice quote I have made. LOL

I do not know if I want to continue writing the novel. I want to focus on my job.

Just now, on a cough, I got a bit of pain in my chest and left arm. Maybe my heart is in a bad condition. I used to eat a lot of oily food. Maybe there is a lot of cholesterol. What the hell...I have t die some way and maybe my buddy heart is a good way to die through.

Another day gone...good night.

Got a reduction from my doc in my anti-psychotic medication...an outcome of not taking part in facebook. I will return there after I become 100% alright.

So, I have crossed 78% of my journey towards eliminating my drug dependence. I believe when I'm 100% out of my drugs, I will be fully liberated. It's not as if I was not 78% or 100% alright before. But that was during my journey from earth to heaven and then downwards from heaven to hell . Now, I believe it is from hell to heaven.

The next visit to the doc will be 1 month later. I then hope to ask for a reduction in my mood-balance drug. Anyway, these days I'm balanced most of the time.

I have completed 42 pages of the novel. That is around 21,000 words. When I get it to 100 pages or 50,000 pages, I will get it published. I hope to write a page daily in the evening. It's a very creative and satisfying hobby. Though I might be able to encash it, I do not intend to make it a career. So, I guess my writing will be amateurish. But I don't want to get into the trap of writing for success...it's very dangerous and will make me again lose touch of life. I'm now where I'm after months, if not years, of working out of my depression and I don't want to go back.

My work life is getting better. I'm getting some regular projects. I have to only accelerate. I'm working at 1% or 5% of my potential. But I cannot push it any further than what my mental blocks allow.

There is no restriction to God's grace on me. It's again only limited by the speed at which I'm willing to proceed towards Him. I once asked a Hare Krishna devotee why he is calling God as a 'He' and not a 'She'. He said that it is because God is neither a physical male or a female but that God's spirit is masculine in nature. Well..I don't know how true that is. I don't care.

Today a guy made a pass at me. I gave a lift to him on my scooter. He was in his 30's. After a few polite questions and answers of introduction, he started asking again and again, "Are you free now?", "Are you living alone in your house?", "Do you have a separate room in your house?", "Iwill come along with you to your area"...the poor guy looked quite decent but needing psychiatric care. When I stopped answering after some time, he asked me to drop him. I wondered for a moment if he will catch my crotch...LOL...but I also didn't want to humiliate him. I felt sad that there are so many troubled souls in this world. But I told myself that if I can come out, others can too.

Saranagathi to Rama and Varaha

I had posted on Saranagathi to Krishna. I will say something about Saranagathi to Rama and Varaha now.

Rama says, "Even if an enemy comes to Me for refuge disguised as a friend saying 'I'm Yours', I will protect him even if it means that I may be killed."

What it means is that anyone can approach Rama without needing to feel inadequate or undeserving of redemption.

Varaha says that "I will protect a man at the time when he is incapacitated if he takes refuge in Me at the time when he can do so."

This is a very important declaration. When one becomes old or in an advanced stage of a disease, one cannot take care of himself. Varaha says that He will take care of him then. Everyone has to die one-day and Idon't think anyone will want his or her body to rot somewhere. So for atleast a decent burial or cremation, a few people are needed. And who are these? They are nothing but the help Varaha is promising.

I write this in response to the recent death of an aid worker named Linda Norgrove in Afghanistan. A botched-up rescue mission ended in her death. There is no point in lamenting over why the mission failed.

Big countries like US and UK invade small countries like Iraq without a valid reason and then accuse them of violating human rights. A careless order from the President in one of his erotic moods may as well lead to a terrorist bombing later. It is impossible to clearly accomplish success in a crisis situation because chance plays a major role. The best way to score well in an exam is not to cram the previous night but study little bit daily. And people need to believe less in the romanticized versions of a novel or a movie or a game etc. It's because what happens in these romanticized versions is the tip of the ice-berg of reality.

Sometimes these westerners can be amazingly stupid. There is nothing fair in love and war (so where possible, better choose love). I feel sad for Linda Norgrove but I can only say that she bought it on herself. If a snake hisses or a dog barks, one has to heed the message. You don't play with the survival instinct. It is not only stupidity but also morally wrong to tease or play, intentionally or unintentionally, in matters related to survival. It's tragically a paradox that someone like Linda who is supposed to be caring about life of a civilian will meddle with life of a terrorist or a soldier.

I'm not writing from a Holier Than Thou attitude. I also tell myself the same thing...that I'm blessed with many things and that many don't even have the normal environment that I have. Not only that, I don't know how long I will be 'normal' before, for example, I become deranged from old age.

Make hay while the sun shines. That is Varaha's message too..."Live according to My wishes in your capable times and I will take care of you when you cannot take care of yourself."

Thought I will stop posting but I'm going crazy in loneliness. Some prisons are forced and some have to be voluntarily taken.

The meaning of 'Maam Yekam Sharanam Vraja'

I do not wish to post any longer but as a clarification for others, I want to explain the meaning of this phrase. Believe me, it is most esoteric.

It means 'Come to Me Alone for Refuge'.

I would like to explain the terms in the reverse order because it is easier that way.

Vraja: It means 'Come'. But 'Come' for what? See the next term.

Sharanam: It means 'Refuge'. 'Refuge' means something like 'shelter' or 'a rest place' or 'a place of relaxation' or 'be happy in' or 'be at peace in'.

Yekam: It means 'Only' or 'Alone'. It means leave groups like country, race, caste, language, club, relatives, friend-circle, religious affiliations, neighborhood, humans etc. In essence, it means leave every group that is limiting.

Maam:  It means 'Me'. But what is 'Me'? It's a bit tricky to understand but with patience it can be understood. Even if not understood exactly, some knowledge of it is enough to live a practically happy life. So is it an individual called Krishna who is supposed to have lived some thousands of years back? Or is it one's own individuality? Or is it some self-acclaimed God-man. No! The answer is surprisingly simple and even a lay-man has a good grasp of it. But since we are swept away by Maya i.e. illusion, we lost this knowledge that we actually had when young. The key to understanding 'Me' lies in understanding what is 'me'. 'me' refers to an individual and so 'Me' cannot an individual. Since 'Me' is an emphasis of 'me' and there are many 'me'-s in the universe, it means that 'Me' is the collection of or what is common in many 'me'-s. If Sherlock Holmes had never got to read the Bhagavad Gita and came across only this phrase scribbled on a piece of paper, he will probably say Elementary, Mr.Watson.

A tip to the intelligence folks...

(Note that I said 'intelligence' and not 'intelligent')

When it comes to hiding a 'secret', one has to first see whether one is planning to hide it externally or internally.

The best way to hide a secret externally is 'silence'. Krishna says in the Gita, 'Of the things kept secret, I'm silence'. What does silence mean? Suppose you are hiding a refugee in your house and his oppressor comes to search your place. There may then arise a conflict between telling the truth and protecting the refugee. The best course of action for you in this situation is to remain silent. By doing so, you are 'not telling lies' and at the same time, you are protecting the one who has taken refuge in you. What you do IF the oppressor asks you is up to you but other things being even, the oppressor will not ask if you are hiding someone.

About hiding an internal secret, like your anxiety over your small cup-size or the large waist length, well...you really cannot hide anything from your Creator. But since it is your Creator who created your cup-size or waist-length, He will not chide you. ;-)

Under Siege!!!

Since the time I entered the black hole, it is inevitable that I will be under siege.

How much is the siege?

For starters, since the time I had bipolar, sometimes I can be very brilliant and sometimes very retarded.

There was this incident in my childhood. I was staying behind a minister's house. One-day, i wanted to feel important. So I came back home and lied to my parents that a few strangers asked me some odd questions, implying some kind of kidnapping. My uncle called over the minister and the minister told him not to worry. The next day, as I walked down the street to the bus stand, I wondered if any 'bodyguards' were there following me. To my sad disappointment, none seemed to be there. But still, with eloquence I told the story to my friends.

Now also, I have my own set of pet theories. I can see funny happenings in my computer, internet, electricity, mobile-phone etc.

But the question is, does it matter?

There are 2 things I want to say.

As my counselor said, only a powerless man will want external sources of power. I read once in a magazine on how the ministers in India prided themselves in the number of black-cats allotted to protect them. But this is a false sense of importance. Those black-cats will be allotted to some other person after 5 years. Someone who accepts himself or herself the way he or she is, is more powerful than these ministers. Actually, the true measure of anyone is in how he or she responds to, initiates, develops and finally comes out after 'being left in the dark'.

I do not interfere with my captors nor do they (my captives? :-)) interfere with me.

Separation from Pravda is as bad as separation from Archana. While Archana separated from me, I separated from Pravda. This is life. No-one can really question. As Kannadasan wrote in a song, 

பாதை எல்லாம் மாறி வரும் பயணம் முடிந்து விடும். மாறுவதை புரிந்து கொண்டால் மயக்கம் தெளிந்து விடும்.

Paths will all keep changing and the journey will end. If the change is understood, the dizziness will be clarified.

Everyone in his or her life has to one-day answer the dreadful question one has been postponing all along. If one keeps escaping, one merely postpones the inevitable and prolongs one's agony. In the heart of hearts, one knows the correct answer. But one still wishes for an easier way out. But life neither gives an easy way out nor a hard way out. Life only gives a way. The wise one grabs an opportunity and is rewarded with a result that matches his or her own intuition. Truth never hurts however harmful it appears to be because of the illusory world. Only a lie or a partial truth hurts. To know the truth, one has to become true.

In my search for an answer, I went through basically 3 stages...

1. A Talisman. To me, it is Gandhi's Talisman.

"I will give you a talisman. Whenever you are in doubt, or when the self becomes too much with you, apply the following test. Recall the face of the poorest and the weakest man [woman] whom you may have seen, and ask yourself, if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him [her]. Will he [she] gain anything by it? Will it restore him [her] to a control over his [her] own life and destiny? In other words, will it lead to swaraj [freedom] for the hungry and spiritually starving millions?
Then you will find your doubts and your self melt away."

- One of the last notes left behind by Gandhi in 1948, expressing his deepest social thought.

Source: Mahatma Gandhi [Last Phase, Vol. II (1958), P. 65].

 2. An Anchor i.e. someone whom one can trust completely. It is not necessary that the anchor must be able to help in a direct way. It is enough if the anchor can point the way to a source that can help. For me, the anchor is my mother.

3. A Source of Help. A source of help must be trustworthy AND capable of helping. It can be anything that the anchor points to. To me, it is Krishna.

I want to say a final thing.

It all depends on how the individual helps himself or herself with the talisman or the anchor or the source of help.

Maam Yekam Sharanam Vraja

Oppu Illadha Appan or Uppu Illadha Appan? ;-)

I'm going to start writing the novel again. In my solitude, that is the only outlet.

Anbirkum undo adaikkuntaal arrvalar
Punkaneer pusal tharum.

Affection cannot be confined by shutters; Uncontrollable tears will roll down spontaneously, When one sees the sufferings and sorrows of the loved ones.


~ Thirukkural 71

I listened first to this song when Archana left me. Since then I listen to this song whenever I think it is time to just take it easy.

Farewell my FB friends

God and Love, according to me

There are many ideas of God. The idea that the individual souls are the parts and parcels of THAT entity is according to me the correct one.

What does the individual soul being a 'part' mean? It refers to the difference in size i.e. quantity. A drop of ocean is a few milli-litres in volume as compared to the ocean.

What the 'parcel' means is this...the inherent nature of the individual soul is divine i.e. the sameness in quality. A drop of ocean is saline just like the ocean.

There is an important idea that needs to be mentioned which results as an outcome of the above two...which is the idea of 'Love'...'Love' is not possible if the parts thought that they were all different from each other. 'Love' is possible only because Part A shares the essence with God Who in-turn shares the essence with Part B.

I never meant to go back to facebook but I did. I'm only 75% alright. I wanted to avoid people till I was 100% alright. But I guess I have no control over things. It is better if the remaining 25% implodes rather than explodes. I don't have any idea but I believe a greater intelligence is running things.

I have got a pneumonic for the way I work. It is START CMS.

S - Scope management (which is basically dealing with the project triangle)
T - Task management (basically prioritizing by importance, dependency and availability)
A - Ask for help (ask and the google god will answer)
R - ROTE (Run - Observe - Theorize - Edit...basically Kolb's cycle)
T - Testing

C - Concentrate (the Dharana part of Pathanjali Yoga)
M - Meditate (Dhyana)
S - System (something like Samadhi)

It also sounds nice...Start CMS...I'm a chronic procrastinator focusing on Content Management Systems.

It's pretty straight-forward. And when I do start working, I will not be bothering about things alien to me. And Krishna says that one becomes perfect by focusing on his duty. Come-on, when there are people cleaning toilets as their job, this is something that is a luxury.

I now have 2 instructions to my mind, the 2nd an outcome of the 1st...

1. Do not interfere with the intelligence of the universe.
2. Do your job well.

Okay...in the risk of getting arrogant, I want to say something. I have a very nasty habit of being impossibly adamant if I have set my eyes on something. My counselor told me this habit of mine when I wallowed in my wretchedness. He asked me to do the same in a positive way. Let's see if I can do it with my job.

I also have another nasty habit. I do not take part in a game but if I do, I try to make it a draw. Okay...it's not exactly a nasty habit but sometimes it sucks not to win. But when people compete with each other, a tie or a draw is the only eventual result. Only after a draw or a tie do people think of co-operating rather than competing. It is said that he who laughs last has the best laugh but how is it possible in eternity?

I'm not going to facebook anymore. Just want to be alone. It will be difficult but it is one more thing I have to let go. It will be difficult not to get notifications in the email and I'm already sensing a little of withdrawal symptoms.

Facebook looks just superfluous. I do not mean the people there. I mean the communication gap. Here inside myself, I can look at the outside world without the fear of being accused of being judgemental, a narcissist, an arrogant guy, a jerk etc.

Maybe this is the last purgatory cell in the prison of hell I have to go through.

I have eyes but I cannot see anything.

There are 2 things for me to answer. The first is my responsibilities to those around. The second is how I deal with my death.

I think people around me are okay. I have taken from some and given to some. I don't think people will miss me much. Some may wonder why I haven't turned up. One or two maybe (maybe) find an emptiness like how I feel now. But they too will get over it after some time (like I intend to).

About my death, I do not want to pretend that I'm fearless. But I have also started not fearing. My fear doesn't come the way I will die or the time it will come. I fear the time of transition between life and death whether it comes through a bullet or an accident or on my bed or tomorrow or at 60 years. I do not fear much for a few reasons. one reason is because I already died when Archana told me that she soemone else. Another reason is that I have never harmed anyone intentionally. My fear comes from a doubt that Eienstein had...whether this universe is inherently benign.

I was brought up in a very protective atmosphere by my parents. Today also, I'm protected but by my adopted parents. I do not know them...only a vague idea that they are of the form of Lakshmi and Narayana.

The chief reason I want to be alone is that I don't want to explain myself or justify myself to anyone anymore.

I feel retarded and paralyzed. It was not me who took care of things before I was born and neither will it be me after I'm dead. Today, I decided to not interfere with the way the Self ran things. I feel most vulnerable but I also know that this is the armour of God.

FRODO: How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…that have taken hold.