Damn it...it's as if anything I do can have some effect, maybe positive and/or negative. I just want the action to die down into emptiness and not have any reactions. Here too comes the saying that all karmas are binding unless performed in the spirit of sacrifice. I'm not even liking these wise stuff any more and I just want to live with common sense. Anyway, I'm going in that direction only. I do believe that I'm making progress but sometimes the effects are not at all perceivable and I wonder if I'm a big mistake. I know that this negative thinking doesn't help in any way and I just have to pull through after taking rest every now and then.
Okay...let's see what I wish from Santaclaus. I need only 2 things...understanding from those around me and a girl destined for me, in that order. Perhaps these 2 things will remove the psychosis and depression, respectively. Maybe this is a tall order. But for one thing, in both the cases, I don't think I can do anything about it. I cannot relate well enough to people to explain myself and I have no idea who my girl is.
Okay..let's change topic and I will post something on romantic love. Please don't take this as another narcissit post. I'm just finding some hormonal imbalance, maybe...lol
About Archana...it was really not love at first sight. Not even love at second sight, third sight etc. But when I saw her, I found her very beautiful. She is the kind of beauty that no man can actually possess. The kind of beauty that one can watch from a distance but get hurt if one wanted to go near. Her beauty is like that of Ingrid Bergman or Madhubala or Kushboo or a 1% of the female population. She can be like a Goddess in the temple but never in the heart of a man. And what to say if you want to have sex with such a one...it's a sure recipe for disaster. But she was not intelligent. Actually she was the typical beauty without brains. But what compensated her lack of brains was her good nature. Initially I thought she was faking it so that everyone thought nice of her. Then one-day I saw her from the window of the bus. She stood there, tranquil as an angel. It was then that I lost my heart or may be I decided to lose my heart. I knew then that she was indeed a wonderful girl. And on that night, I had a dream of her. Only 3 girls have come in my dreams till now. One was Lakshmi, another was Archana and the 3rd is someone I'm still in touch with now but whose face or figure I could not even understand clearly...lol. But there is a tragedy in tall the 3 dreams in that in all the 3, the girls never mixed or mingled with me. So, going from the past 2 failures and the 3rd also portending a failure even if in the wildest of possibilities a relationship does get formed, my romantic love life is buried inside concrete. To be honest, I'm even scared to enjoy some romance because it might go against love for some other. In the Kalyana Malai song in Pudhu Pudhu Arthangal, there is the line, 'Azhagana manaivi, Anbana thunaivi, amaindhale perinbame.' Archana was both beautiful and kind but unfortunately her kindness was directed more towards her family. Anyway, past is past. Her good nature rubbed onto me to some extent
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