Gave an idea today for starting a facebook group

Some may think that I'm trying to influence things by such a suggestion. I can only say that my intentions are honourable like how a maiden declares her virginity is intact before marriage...lol.

An advantage facebook has over any forum is the having 'Like' option without the 'Dislike' option. People can ofcourse debate over this. There are those who want to include the 'Dislike' option to make facebook more realistic. A philosophy that I like and try to live by as much as possible is...in certain conditions, if there is something good to tell someone, tell it and if there is nothing good to say or something bad one finds, it's better to remain silent. It is alright and infact advisable to say something bad to correct someone in an open and safe environment. By safety, I mean all the aspects like not knowing the background of the person on the other side and not just some computer hacking. The internet is an open environment but it is not exactly safe, atleast most sites. So, in these sites, if one provides 'Dislike' button, there will be a perpetual deadlock. Remaining silent gives time for whoever has something bad to find out the truth by himself or herself without having to go through the embarrassment of sensing that someone else knows their weakness. Truth reveals itself with time and if forced prematurely on someone, it will just sabotage any understanding because he or she becomes defensive.

I don't know why the Pravda forum came into existence and this idea of mine is not to undermine it. Different groups can serve different purposes. I only wish to have a group that can be like a coffee house but I will not deny that I would feel good to be one of the instruments in bringing people together from different backgrounds and make the world a better place.

When we become the problem we came to solve...

We must become the change we want to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Any problem with this? Not exactly...except that it has a tendency to become...

We become the problem we came to solve.

A negative thought indeed but nevertheless very real. Otherwise, why would there be a new ideology or religion or government or sport star or friend or lover or spouse etc.coming every now and then. Take for instance Mamata Banerjee, the Indian politician from Kolkata. From her intensity, I believe that she is a great politician. One of the ways by which she became popular among the masses and later into a cabinet rank minister is by stalling all industrialization in Kolkata, fighting for the cause of the poor farmers whose lands may be forcefully grabbed. Now, the latest news is that she got a dose of her own medicine when a project that she gave a green signal had to be stopped for the same land-grabbing issue.

The Pathanjali Yoga gives a suggestion to get over this catch-22 situation.

4.28 The removal of those interfering thought patterns is by the same means by which the original colorings were removed.


The logic behind this is that these tendencies lose their power with each dosage and eventually get burnt out completely. It's somewhat like how immunization is done by giving injections twice or thrice after time intervals. Only this time, it will be more self-directed. And it is not necessary to worry much because the momentum generated from the past success gives both the confidence to carry on as well as the cushion to not get unduly hurt.

Little insurance means No Insurance, change your habit

Okay...I went back to see the advertisement today and it read like...

Little Insurance means
No Insurance, change your habit. - Aegon Religare

That's how these marketing companies are...they just highlight whatever they want to capture the onlookers attention. Mind you...it is real smartness and while a few of those sales guys write such stuff out of sheer panic, the rest of the guys know what that the attention span of an onlooker is a couple of seconds only and if they don't bring the attention within a short span, they have failed as marketing guys and their family will hungry along with them. So I have great respect for these people who have to deal with a lot of stress in using the correct words, tone, colours etc. along with the message.


Anyway, even though when I read it today, the meaning got twisted by 180 degrees, I still like it, but this time in a different sense. When I read it previously, I just thought the advertisement company was something different or against insurance companies. The new phrase also tells a very vital thing...that you cannot dilly-dally when it comes to life or death issues. It's a call for acceptance of the situation as it is now. And only by such an acceptance can there arise any change for the better. I have done this a lot of times in the past and many times I have also tried escaping the situation. It's just what Buddha said..that there is suffering in this world. If one turns the other way when coming across something too sickening to be aware of, one just is allowing an infection to start growing by just leaving it as it is and going over to enjoy whatever one feels like. Enjoyment is not a bad thing but it cannot be done when there is a problem looming over. I don't want to preach because all these things are all there in the books. But a funny thing is, the insurance that the company gives is itself a little insurance in the larger scheme of life...I mean, what all can the company cover...I find it interesting when I read the statistics which says.."X % of the world population suffer from cancer, Y % depression, Z % from road-side accidents..." REALLY...sum it all up and none of us can escape atleast any one of these things (unless ofcourse, one believes that one is privileged to be not human enough to succumb to this. But I guess then not being human enough is itself a problem). No...I don't want to sound fatalistic. Just today I came from seeing my cousin's wife whose mother died of a tumour in the brain. Awareness is very important and awareness can even dissolve a tumour in the brain. Mahatma Gandhi quoted this in one of his last messages asking someone to look at the weakest person and see if what one does helps him or her. I have used it as one of my base positions many times even though there may still be a little flaw or arrogance in it. It's because one has to realize that he or she himself or herself is as weak (or used to be as weak) as the one whom one is observing. One cannot really know what Mahatma Gandhi in mind just like one cannot know what Krishna had in mind or for that matter, someone on the street who has just given a love letter. Here, I would like to say something that Swami Vivekananda said. First, let me tell you something about him...many greats have come and gone leaving a characteristic mark on humanity, kind of like a male dog marks it scent by urine...lol. But seriously, if there is one person whose intention was only to help people help themselves, it is him. He made it very clear that the weak cannot be happy or noble or prosperous or whatever. He didn't say this from a political or religious or racist or casteist or any other supremist philosophy. He merely told the plain fact that a beggar cannot give to another beggar, using a milder language to an audience who were living in the comfort zone (which ironically itself came about from the blessings from the past good karma they had done). A beggar on the street doesn't get this facility because he or she would have to do something to satisfy the hunger, which is beyond human control. Otherwise, you tell me why someone will get his hands dirty to clean sewage. He is forced to do this by a maddening instinct to satisfy the hunger.

Ofcourse, this doesn't mean one keeps thinking about the sufferings of others and feel atleast morally satisfied that he or she is an empathetic person. This will only result in sadness which is in turn another form of weakness. A sad person can never help another sad person because his or her sadness keeps interfering with the capacity to help. The heart may wish to help but the mind or body might be too lethargic to help. While it might not be possible to feel happy enough in the present to help another like this because of one's own bad past karma, one can atleast stop voluntarily go searching for sufferings, pain etc. by doing whatever one can in a detached way, like how a doctor does to a patient. Attaching, instead of associating, oneself with sufferers and imagining oneself as suffering even when there is no cause for it is itself a bad habit.

No insurance, change your habit

A couple of days back as I was going by scooter, I noticed an advertisement that caught my attention. But I couldn't stop long enough to read it fully. I thought I will read it later and even today while I went that way, I noticed it but again, I was going with the momentum of the scooter that I couldn't stop telling myself that I will read on my return journey and again I forgot. Ofcourse, I got the essence of the advertisement. I could just make out, "No insurance. Change your habit." What struck me was that there is a lot of wisdom in it beyond just a commercial catchy phrase. And, the first time I was reading it, I was trying to get for myself a job and I was getting anxious about the result. Then I somewhat sensed as I rode along that even if I get any job, there will always be an uncertain factor. However, when I make a change in my work habit, the locus of control becomes internalized rather depending on external factors that are always unpredictable. The majority of insurance companies play on people's fears. Insurance companies study the probability of accidents and know quite well that even if there is an occasional big handout, the return from the others will compensate for it. I don't mean to say that these companies are entirely bad because the average man on the street is not empowered with these advanced knowledge of statistics and probability and tries to buy some safety. But this is just a comfort zone that can last only upto some point. One has to some day go out and face the reality, which will turn out to be benign to one's pleasant surprise. Till then, the protective net given by such insurances or assurances are like a crutch. When one changes the habit, one is changing the reality about him or her and soon a new equilibrium about oneself gets established.

Today, my counselor has given a clear chit to me that I don't need his counseling anymore. :)

Everything I do, I do it for you (adapted for 2011 technology)

Listen to your call
You will hear
What you mean to me

Search engine
Search mobile
You will find me there
You will search no more.

Don't tell me
It's not worth logging in for
Don't tell me
It's not worth logging out for
Love's true
Everything I do, I do it for you.

Prana - Life Force

There is a common ground between Samyama and Vipassanna. Dharana can be the focusing on the Prana which is what is done Vipassana. This is mere observation and hence different from Pranayama which is more an effort to regulate the Prana. Then at the Dhyana stage, one can experience the bodily sensations as in Vipassana. Intellectually, focusing on the Prana gives an anchoring in one's life. One of the names of Vishnu is Prana itself. As is said in Vipassana, watching Prana is watching a feedback mechanism of life that keeps bringing everything back to stability or normalcy. It's the triangle of mind-breathe-body, all of them affecting each other (like a project scope triangle...lol). Unlike in the initial stage of Pathanjali Yoga where one tries to regulate Prana, here one can watch the Prana regulating us. Pratyahara for me is Sharanagathi and after surrendering, it's re-assuring as well as brings to stability watching Prana do the regulation. Prana, the God that it is, is like a parent and so being in touch with it, brings re-assurance. Ofcourse, one can take anything as an object for the focus of mediation, like Krishna or Shiva or whatever one's Ishta Devatha is etc. The beauty of this association is that as it is said in a Tamil proverb, "Poovodu serndha naarum manakkum" (the leaf that is with the flower also smells good), one gets the nature of whatever one associates oneself with. But unlike material associations like a hot cup and a cold cup where they both become equally moderate, the energy of the primal source is unlimited. So any association with it doesn't exhaust the source whereas one becomes as energetic as the source. Prana is something that is there even when one sleeps. Even observing the breathe for 10 seconds lowers down panic or a psychotic or neurotic symptoms. One can watch it as long as one lives to move towards stability and after one is dead, while one cannot ofcourse watch it, it isn't necessary either because by then it would have brought one to the eternal indestructible state, which is Samadhi. When one watches the breathe, one starts experiencing the bodily sensations, some of them as pain and some as pleasure. These are nothing but the results of the past Karmas and to be liberated into Samadhi, one has to go through these temporary changing experiences. This should be bearable if one has gone through the previous steps before trying to experience this pain or pleasure. Otherwise it will be like terrible and disappointing. More on Samadhi...there are 4 keywords in it (I am not saying from the roots but from my understanding coming from texts and intuition). These are state, being, eternal and indestructible. Samadhi looks scary because it is associated with death but it is not necessarily so bad or even be associated with death. It is also the most beautiful expression of oneself...for example, suppose a movie actor is there who in his early years takes on the roles of the hero, villian, comedian, supporting artist etc. Through his career, he would have had one role which was unique, great and good. But then, for reasons like money or fame or power etc., he might be doing roles he that he never was interested in or even that was just not meant for him. But he might not even be consciously aware of this. Maybe oneday he starts changing, and then as he starts leaving the other roles and focuses on the role tailor made for him. Eventually, at the last leg of his career, he gets into Samadhi...for example, Krishna or Jesus or Buddha etc. are known by some trade mark forms even though they are no longer there in such a form. Ofcourse, these are some big guys but even if one remembers one's own expired parents or grand-parents, one gets an image of what they were in their essence, a state of being that lingers without being mutated any further. For example, the peacock feather, the flute and the blueness of Krishna all go together and removing any one of it brings about a falsity into Krishna. It's a different matter if Krishna is blue or Shakthi is red or Saraswathi is white etc. It's the same way Mahatma Gandhi is remembered with a stick and round spectacles. Anyway, what I'm saying is that Samadhi need not be an unmanifested form as well. Never mind, these are just some thoughts of mine and use it after reflecting over it yourself.

Today, I think I have found a practical way to do my job properly. I'm using a random timer, which brings me back to focusing on my breathe as I work. A problem that I have is that I tend to analyze a lot. A long time back, another counselor of mine suggested that I do things in different ways because I think a lot. She was asking me to use more of my left part of the body. I also read in an article of Jung how he solved a girl's problem by snapping her out of depression who also had an analytical mind by doing something with an insect that was in the room. Regular reminders won't do much for me because I will always be thinking when it is going to ring and so how I should plan my work and so on. But I also need something to refocus whenever my mind wanders. So this random reminder both keeps away my thinking mind and also brings in focus every now and then. With this development, I may have after all just stepped into the 6th plane of existence (Dharana) and not the 7th as I previously thought. :-(  But it's alright since atleast I have some idea of where I'm.

The job front seems to be hopefully good thanks to angels. It seems to be calling me to places...

I met my doctor today and he advised me to go on the present medication for the next month. I told him that i was still a little psychotic for4 which he immediately suggested sulpitac but I declined it. He didn't know all the spiritual practices that I do that will handle it.

Many times I have rated how much I'm well enough. If I base my level based on having just stepped into the 6th stage, then it means I'm some 63% alright and going up. I'm not saying this as some achievement but rather as an interesting fact.

Okay I think I have wandered off and I'm sorry. I have many interesting things to write but I have not developed the discipline to write the blog regularly.

Arvy's travels

A couple of blogs before I had mentioned my experience with a Burqa-clad woman. What I didn't mention then was that when I was returning home, I dropped in at a hotel to have some food. I was having a nice plate o 14 idli when some Muslim guys came in. Now, I don't generalize that every Muslim I see is some terrorist. That's too stupid. Anyway, these guys just went in. And today, I saw one of the guys walking along the beach...I can say with 99% surety. Well again, this is too big a co-incidence but so what...he may well be a friend. I generally do not identify anyone I may know for 4 reasons...the 1st reason is that I do not know if he or she is good or bad, the 2nd reason is that I do not know if he is a friend or foe and the 3rd reason is that it may be a coincidence. The 4th reason, which is the most important and which over-rides all others is that I mind my own business and it is not my work.

But today, the thing that was odd was that when I saw guy again again with another, I changed path and behind these two guys with the cars hiding me. It was like suddenly I disappeared from the vision when they were expecting me to pass by them. This can all be dismissed as paranoid behaviour except that just as I was expecting, the other guy 'seemed' surprised to have lost me and turned around to find me behind him. Again, this can be paranoid behaviour. When I come home, a guy covered with a headscarf comes in to my apartment and as I walk up the stairs, removes a package from underneath. My thought went briefly to the recent Varanasi blast where the bomb was put under some sort of stairs. And after some 20 minutes, I hear all sorts of noises outside which are supposed to be from crackers bursting for a marriage or temple function.

These things don't bother me much because I live a firm life of Yoga, Sharanagathi and Samnyama.

About my previous post

My pathetic condition is that I told my doctor and psychiatrist that I have Schizophrenia but they are not willing to acknowledge it. Maybe they are scared of dealing with an extreme condition like that or are just not skilled enough to handle it. Anyway for me now, balancing my heart and mind is the only to come out of my sickness. It's what is told the Bhagavad Gita verse 8, chapter 12. Only thing is, who the 'Me' is in the verse is a little unknown. It's not so important though because, even with a little understanding of the 'Me' which is inborn in everyone, like the dim light at a far away distance in the night, it becomes clear as one starts living by cross-checking rationality and emotion.

I like very much what Dhirubhai Ambani said, "Dream, but with eyes wide open".

The way I'm going to live

Use the emotion of the left brain...

+

...Use the rationality of the right brain

Yesterday's news

Just read in the morning news paper that 2 got killed and some injured in a clash between 2 groups at the Chennai Sangamam location. And it was just on the spot that I was doing shopping and around the same time. I don't have any fear but I just don't know exactly what to say. I can answer a little easily if it happened around me but I have a tough time answering if it happened because of me.

I want to acknowledge that it happened around me because I don't want to appear distant from whatever disturbances that occur around me. If I don't acknowledge it, it means that I'm no different than a stone. It's not the same way like acknowledging that my nephew fell down from the swing and got a swelling yesterday.

I have disturbed everyone around me just because one girl ditched me. I think that some times, this disturbance has been beneficial and at other times harmful. I think it's pointless to find a person or group to lay the blame on. It is a never-ending process of tracing a line of blame. Eventually it is collective responsibility.

Another funny day

I wrote some time back about time...how it is the link between oneself and everything else. I want to share 2 interesting aspects of time, one which happened day before yesterday and another today.

When I read the article on wisegeek.com on how to develop Patience so as to cope up with pain, I read a very common sense thing which turned out to be a a minor enlightenment for me. It didn't strike me then but the next day, it fit in well with some idea of mine. The article gave some ways of coping with patience like doing something creative in the mean time, understanding that someone else need is getting taken care of. etc. For example, when someone stands in a queue to buy a ticket, he or she understands that the one before him or her has stood a little longer and hence deserves to get the ticket first. The same concept can be applied in life too. Everyone of us is standing in the queue of life to get liberated or obtain salvation or live eternally in heaven etc. There are those who are having so much chronic pain that they plead with God to relieve them of their pain, even if it means killing them. But still God keeps them waiting and then one starts to panic again after all those spiritual practices wondering if all this is fake. I have felt like that some times and even as late as a few days back. Maybe that's what got me to read about the Patience article...believe me, there is no such thing as luck...what we wish for goes to the sub-conscious which then brings the results. Anyway, so I got to understand that life is also a queue whee God is like the official at the ticket counter giving each the ticket when it is their time. The thing to realize when one has a chronic pain is that when one patiently bears it instead of escaping it, not only one help oneself but also another. Escaping doesn't take anyone forward but will simply postpone facing the pain to a later date. If one bears even a little bit of at any one moment, that small bit will vanish or dissolve for ever (this ofcourse doesn't mean that one goes searching for pain or an unbearable pain). And all the pain that one has a finite number of these small pains. When all of them is gone, one can step into something really worthwhile. Now...I knew this long time back but what I realized a couple of days back is that patiently bearing the pain not only helps the person who is having it, but also helps the one who has stood a little longer in the queue in life, someone who had had a greater pain. And...God, like the official at the ticket counter to paradise is only giving the ticket to another more deserving candidate at that moment. So if one bears the pain instead of causing a big hue and cry thereby trying to get ahead of the one in front of the line, one is actually doing a very noble thing or service to another. It looks to me as if that a sick person is called a Patient because he or she is expected to be Patient enough to let the Doctor take care of another more sick trusting that his or her time will soon come. For me, this has given me a new strength to face life and in what can be called the 8 planes of existence, I think I have graduated from the  6th stage of Dharana to the 7th stage of Dhyana. It means that I have stabilized and there will be still pain that keeps reducing to zero. My dear Arvind Guruji...all this is nice but how can I be benefited? (Are you asking this?). I'm like you only and just like how I will look upto someone on the 8th plane of existence to reach there, you can look at this testimonial to boost up your confidence, if you are lower than the 7th plane.

As to the 2nd aspect of time, this was more down to earth. I had been to my counselor's translated book release at a shopping complex. The book was 'Ka' written by an Italian author. The Italian consulate official from Pondicherry was there and just as she started speaking the lights went out. Her voice was shaky and maybe it was because she was scared. Just as she finished, the lights came on...it seemed to have been nicely stage managed. Many of them spoke nicely and there was even an option to question the author after his speech. He obviously had a very good knowledge of Hindu spirituality and I screwed up my mind to ask some question. Then I wondered if I was trying to to ask just to look sophisticated. I was also a little scared of all the people sitting there and it would be like me standing and giving a speech. I didn't want to fumble with my words. Also, I was not really sure if I would get an answer that I already didn't know or will anyway know as I go through my everyday life these days. As I was thinking all of this, 2 questions got asked and the session was over. Then again, I ventured bravely to ask him later after congratulating my counselor. I wanted to ask this...he had said that Prajapathi alone was there initially and had multiplied because he didn't know if He existed or got bored. I wanted to ask him...we are taught to go back to the Self, which is unity. Does it mean that we will get bored again if we go inside and merge as or with our core? This was a complex question and certainly not something that can be answered there in such a short time. Again, I know the answer to these questions just like a layman would know. I once told my counselor that all these spiritual seekers are really vain when a layman can as well answer the questions easily from intuition. He told me that there does exist some difference. He didn't mean it in the sense of a difference in class but as an explanation that a layman understands something more from intuition while seeker will get many rational external explanations that support the intuition. Coming back...as I got to out o the shopping complex and went to the parking lot to get my scooter, I saw a girl in Burqa with a school bag on her back and on a bicycle scurrying like a rabbit past me. The path leading to the parking lot was itself a dark alley and I thought if someone was there waiting for me...a form of psychosis that I have got used to. So, as I start my scooter to reach the gate, she goes around the stopping gate pole and nervously rechecks her bicycle...something seems to be wrong in the bicycle. I stop my scooter because I do not want to die being blown to pieces, atleast not yet. I guess when she didn't find me coming forward, she didn't want to wait anymore. So it became Ladies first, Gents second. The pathetic thing is that she is not even old enough to be a lady. She must be 16 - 18, though I couldn't see well in the dark. I was feeling disgusted at those who send girls like these, who wouldn't have even had an idea of what it means to be romantic or fall in and love. And those guys are shit scared to come out and fight like men. I hope this girl grows up to be a happy old woman and not some wreck in a prison. Those men will do better to borrow the veil from these women and move around the town instead of using their women like this.

The fallow land

Since there is a lot of Gita thinking in me because I have read a lot of times and also because it looks logical, there is one observation which I made and which i believe has changed now. It's not about a change of perception in the meaning but rather in how I correlated it with my own life.

Archana and Pravda were 2 big things in my life. In some sense, I equated them to Tamas (ignorance) and Rajas (passion) respectively and since Gita says that these 2 doesn't help, I could understand getting as far away as possible from both of them and be in Sattva (goodness). But then a couple of days back, I came across a change in this understanding. There was one more entity which I had not recognized and which was liking a issing piece that altered the understanding of my life. It is IIT. So then, IIT became my Tamas, Archana became my Rajas and Pravda became my Sattva. Basically, there is nothing wrong in all the 3 by themselves. I went after IIT because of my ego, went after Archana because of external beauty and found Pravda nice because I got attention. Putting in Hollywood terms, Pravda was good, Archana was bad and IIT was ugly. This is again subjective and some other will what I call bad as good etc. This understanding fits in with my own practical life because no matter how hard I have tried, I have not been able to let go some sort of contact with Pravda in the present. Archana is still there in my memory and I still show some interest in things related to IIT. It's said in the Gita that one transcends even the Sattva when one stays long enough there and reach Krishna. There is a lot of nature of Krishna in my counselor but ofcourse I don't mean to say that others don't have it. Eventually, Krishna is one's own self (not the ego).

After the fight that I had with my sister, I felt rotten (as usual). Even now I have a lot of resentment inside me. I know that i have got only what I have meted out to others but my life now is hardly what one can call a life, let alone a joyful one. I don't like anyone, I don't enjoy any pleasures, I have to do unpleasant work etc.. To move on, I accept that everything is fine on the basis of trust and let things settle down by itself. I live at the root or abyss of existence where alone I can find common ground with everyone else. Such a root or abyss is more a feeling than anything that the sense can perceive. Anything above that and there is bound to be disappointment, hurt and resentment. It's not exactly exciting but it is atleast real, safe and peaceful from which someday happiness can emerge. It is with such such an attitude that I look at my sister, nephew, the employer who rejected me today, the fully shaven guy I saw today etc.

Life in a Day

Started the day with a fight with my sister. I asked her to stop her nagging talks, especially directed at my mother. I told her that I will start earning in a month and that I'm not going to depend on her any more. I made a threat that I won't mind harming her if she crossed the line. It's sickening and I knew that letting out my anger is only going to come back to me. But I had had enough of her nagging. She took away my nephew thinking that I will harm him. I don't care much about not interacting with him because I don't like human interactions anymore. But even though he is a baby, he understood that something was amiss. I didn't very little with him today and I could see that he was feeling very hurt. He will get over it when his father meets him tomorrow. My sister mistakenly thinks that the boy belongs to her and I never loved him back of the relation. Oneday he will leave her as well. But till that time, let them have the joy that they deserve. Anyway, I was also not going to harm her but a little threat is enough to stop her constantly nagging my mother.      

I went to a company for interview as a Technical Support Executive. I was shown the door in the 1st stage itself because while my tone and style of speech was right, my content or message was not good. Which was true and I guess I have learnt an important lesson in communication. It was the 1stinterview after a long time and I really had no idea what it was going to be like. also, when asked me to introduce about myself, i did not know that she was using it as a screening test. Damn these soft-skills. I prefer a hard-on.

Saw a man with all facial hair shaved, including the eyebrows, in the beach in my evening walk. I wondered if there was going to be some shoot out like the one recently in America. There is presently a 10 day long song and dance festival called Chennai Sangamam meaning "A Merger in Chennai" going there. But anyway nothing happened.

Crosin

Some time back, I had created a list of 4 steps to follow to recovery which I got from the way I get relieved from headaches. Those are 1)not interfering in unnecessary matters, 2)take rest, 3)listen to charam sloka and 4)continue taking the mood-stabilizing drug.

I have been able to do the first 3 with reasonable success. But I guess a little flaw seems to be there in the 4th because it doesn't help me in any way even though it keeps me going as I'm. Well..I'm really not sure but this seems to be the case. Since I have also become serious in my job and what stops me from going full throttle in my job is the tendency of resistance to change from the past, when i asked how to improve my wok life, he suggested that I do some affirmations. Now, I'm not comfortable writing my own affirmations and so when I looked for an outside source, the Bhagavad Gita was an obvious source. So I have decided to listen to a recording of some key verses that help me get over my static inertia daily in the morning for some 40 days. By then I will be reducing the drug intake as my doctor suggested and then afterwards, I will only not listen regularly but only whenever I do not wok properly, till the time when I will be totally out of my drug intake. I estimate this to be around less than 6 months. I think that the reason I'm still uncomfortable is because of the mood-stabilizer. It's because it gives me an artificial, although necessary, sense of security. While the drug shoots down 80-99% of the problems, the remaining manifests as a side-effect and problems seem to be there around me. The decrease in dosages later will be compensated y listening to those verses. I don't mean to say that someone can be normal only without any drug. My mom takes 10 tablet but yet she is alright. As the 2, the drug intake an the affirmation by the verses cancel each other, I will get out of the remaining depressive tendencies. Once I'm fully out after 6 months, I can interact normally and also start working true to my potential. I'm not creating another new milestone to escape facing something else. This looks very rational to me. Even though I have some doubts, I'm going to just follow with the confidence that even this doubt is addressed in the verses. The verses are incisive an effective which I expect to be the Crosin of the headache of depression.

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. - Anonymous quote

My job life is as clear as the vision in the night on a full moon night. I do not complain that I cannot walk under sunlight because it isn't necessary. I'm in the situation where I was a long time back in college.


It was the campus selection and there was a job that required clearing an aptitude test, a Group Discussion and an interview, after ofcourse a bit of initial screening by the college job coordinator. It was the time when Archana's parents refused us and I had to get back to Pune for my parents sake. When her father came to meet mine, he had said something like that the guy he had arranged the marriage for her with was a manager in a good company and I did not even have a job. It was a silly reason but anyway when I went back and I saw this job appearing in the list, I jumped in with the hope of securing it and thereby giving a reason for her father to accept me. It was a silly reaction as well from me because he already knew that I was an engineer and will get a good job. But I was doing all sorts of things to get her..including going to a five star hotel where I heard her would-be-husband was supposed to be a manager in and then finding out when I reached there that I had no idea of his name or even the name of the five star hotel in that locality.

Anyway...so there I was trying my best to get the job. Clearing the aptitude was easy because I was smarter than the average. When it came to the group discussion, 10 were there out of which 4 will be selected. The topic was this...planet earth was getting destroyed or something and we were all given a role each, like a priest, an astronaut, a pregnant woman etc. All of us had to discuss and reach a consensus on who will be the one to be chosen to go out in a waiting rocket to some other planet...a typical Hollywood script. We were each given 1 minute to present our case and 5 minutes for reaching the consensus. So we all did it for 10 minutes. For the next 5 minutes, the group discussion went. Everyone started arguing their and I sat there patiently waiting for my chance, partly from politeness and partly from not interrupting in the heated arguments. 2 guys formed quite a pair. The 2 guys belonged to the 4 who were evicted from the hostel in the 1st year when I had reported to the management when I was ragged. It was a mistake I made which I regretted and even went to withdraw it back. The Vice-Principal, who was an ex-army man, told me that he will throw me too out of the hostel and asked me to get out. At that time, I had just finished reading the Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. The strong sense of individuality portrayed in that novel combined with the success I had back then to make me egoistic, although I wasn't really aware. During the ragging, some 1st years were acting like 2nd years. I had even heard such a rumour before coming to the hostel. During the ragging, though I was scared stiff, I did not give in a bit, which literally startled those guys. It kind of became like reverse-ragging and while a couple of friends of mine did what those 10-15 said, I just refused. After a point, when I started enjoying the show, I participated a little but more in the sense of answering smart answers than being forced to do so. Finally, at the end of it, those guys revealed in good-nature that they were not seniors and that they were also freshers. Now, this struck a definite blow to my ego. I managed to appear cool and I soon forgot and became friends with many of them. I don't what really made me go and report the next day to the college but it looks to me like I was trying to be self-righteous but in effect, I was smarting the damage to my ego. I didn't even know what the consequence will be. The management got a few names in an adhoc manner and 4 guys got evicted. In that was one guy, I think his name was some Barua who had also joined my Petroleum branch, with whom I had got along very well and who didn't take part while the leader of the gang, Nathan, incidentally a Tamilian, got away. Nathan hanged around me all day long trying to say that all was alright and that I need not feel bad, but he was scared that he might be included in the list. This Barua, supposed to be a bright student flunk in the 1st year. All of them didn't show any anger towards me because they were decent and/or scared that it can only aggravate their situation. By then I had got a bad reputation in some parts of the college and some people saw me as a terror. Some of them over-estimated me as well but in one sense, I was better than them because I had to study harder here to get an engineering seat due to reservation system. My friend Rohit and a few others understood me better but I was the worst frin that any one could have back then. There was this another friend of mine Rakesh Ranjan who also joined in Petroleum Engineering. I had met him even before coming to the college when we both had applied and got the seat during the Pune govt.administrative selection process. I was always a financial wreck and used to borrow money from almost of my friends, even to the extent of losing some self-respect. Some of them initially were ready to give to a guy who had already become famous with the above stunt and things like having a girl friend back at in Chennai and supposed to be a scholar. Then they avoided lending me. I used to borrow from Rakesh and though he willingly gave every time, he said that I come to meet him only for asking money. Though I felt guilty, I used to shrug it off. I was studying for IIT entrance, in which I flunked. In the 2nd year I went to stay with him but then we both got into a fight, over some silly issue. It was however not for a funny reason...in the middle of the night when I had the urge to do some shaking job, I thought it was okay to do so in the room itself since it was dark and he was sleeping. But I had a doubt that he was still awake but then it was too late to stop my libido. He sprung up on his bed and looked at me for some time in almost darkness and I also watched him looking at me. Then he went back to sleep. I cursed a little but then I didn't care much. The next day he enquired about it and I had to confirm it. But this is not the reason for the fight. I think what contributed most was my egoistic behaviour and his caste complex. He was from the Yadav caste from Bihar. Unlike in Chennai, I think in his village, there is a lot of such differences. Honestly, I never discriminated him because of his caste. The way I contributed to the fight came more from my own egoism and he contributed from his inferiority complex from his social background. As for me, at that time, I was a zombie who didn't even love Archana truly. I just wanted to be a great scientist like Einstein. Neither was I living a happy life. I was trying to attempt to get into IIT after the 2nd year too. This put me in terrible pressure because on the one hand I had to study well for the entrance and on the other hand justify joining it after spending money on these 2 years at MIT. I was telling myself that I should get into the top 100 or something to convince my parents or even the top rank. Otherwise, it will be waste. Science didn't help me any better because I couldn't understand anything in the universe even though all those concepts looked great. At the end of the year, I didn't clear IIT. While I can give a lot of reasons of failing, I have come to accept that I was not smart or intelligent enough or cut out for IIT. A few reasons came together and caused such a big misconception. First, I was not good in academics in school though I was quite good in sports. I started doing well in studies not because I loved it but because I could impress Lakshmi. Then afterwards, I was a miserable failure in Tennis and had also flunked in maths in 11th standard and had to go to 12th with a retest. But something nice happened in my life, for which I'm still grateful, which is still a part of my life and which changed everything. It was coming to Besant Nagar. I don't know and cannot really describe it but I literally stepped into heaven. While Besant Nagar isn't all of my life, it is a significant part. 2 things changed..my home address and my school. And from a miserable failure, I told myself that I was going to be the best I can be. And circumstances really aided me fully. The old was gone and I was the new guy...the scholarly, good-looking, smart and good-natured boy next door. Maybe I was a little bit of all those things back then. I don't want to bore you because I have told about all this many times. So in 12th standard, along with this reason, 3 more reasons contributed to my false-identity. The 1st is that I had to score really well in that year to get in to engineering or medicine. And for my background in those times, it was going to decide my future career, how well off I will be and what nice job I will have or what status I will have in society. It's very pathetic that boys decided their future on entirely false notions. For example, if I had come to know that becoming a doctor would mean staring at what lies in the guts all through life or daily watching people suffer, I wouldn't have wanted to be a doctor back then. Note that I do not think like that now because I like to help relieve people suffering now. Even today, I had a passing thought of joining some trauma care or emergency care centers since I can relate to it well but then dismissed it as not wise. It's because my stress will aggravate rather than help them and that my best way of contributing to the society is to do the job I'm comfortable with now, which seems to be web development. The next reason for my false-identity is again trying hard to study to impress a girl, this time Archana. Maybe the little adulation I got from the other students and teachers also contributed. Finally, and this is by no means a small blunder, my school did a fraud in giving marks. In that year, our school was the one responsible with administering the evaluation an awarding marks for the 12h standard. Our students got an unusually large marks in 2 subjects while a couple o other far better schools like PSBB and DAV got ridiculously low marks. Some students were in a state of shock on both sides. In Physics, I had answered for 91 marks correctly and maybe 2 or 3 more incorrectly. I was expecting some 85-90 but I got 93. In maths I got 97 and in chemistry 80. Archana also told me that she didn't know how she got 95 in physics. Our students got in the range of 90s while those from PSBB and DAV got 70s and 80s. Those parents were shocked and went for revaluation and I don't know what happened after that. While they were all aiming for IIT in which these scores didn't matter, it would have hurt their prospects at Pilani, REC etc. What am I trying to say??? Never mind...:D

I read in an article yesterday in Wikipedia on learned helplessness. While they gave 3 reasons for it, on reading one reason i.e. Personalization, I became a little less depressed. What it meant is that I'm really not responsible whatever good or bad that I was, am or will be. Ofcourse, this is already there in the Bhagavad Gita itself when Krishna says that Arjuna is only a tool. It's another matter that the Krishna avatar is a tool by itself of God. The difference is that Krishna could be pro-active while Arjuna could be active based on their stage of evolution. I had sensed this even before I had read the Bhagavad Gita or the Wikipedia when my girl-friend left me. I was still the same person all through the relationship and was having a change of image according to how the circumstances allowed it. In that sense, I cannot even let go of the past identity I had before I came to Besant Nagar. I have had a lot of time thinking about thee things occasionally all these years in Depression. But I have also come to understand that a person does have a nature destined for him or her, like say a rose has the nature of passion or the lotus has that of sacredness etc. Now, I don't mean to say that just because my name means lotus, I'm sacred. My nature might well be something else or might even be this. I don't know. Problems in life come when one flower thinks that it can be like every other flower. Roses are beautiful when given in romance while lotus is beautiful when kept in the temple. Change the context and they both look ugly. This is what I had been doing for a long time, the remnants of which might as well be there in this article when I try to be smart, witty, sensitive, good-natured etc. :D    

Back to the Group Discussion, which is what I wanted to talk about. There was this guy who was smart, cool and nice in the group. He was smart because when the guy who was the astronaut said that he should go, he shot him down saying that the rocket will run on auto-pilot. He was cool also in that he didn't raise his voice much. He was also nice because on finding me not speaking, he asked others to let me speak. Finding such a welcome reception in the last 1 minute, I told everyone that we were given a topic to reach a consensus to choose the best person and not argue for our own sake. The group discussion got over soon after a lull in the group. I was sure that I was going to be the first one in the list of 4 selected. When the result was announced, I was not there on the list. I couldn't believe it. The 2 guys who I had offended earlier looked at me triumphantly. apparently, they had pre-planned that they both will give each other preferential attention in the discussion and thus helping each other. Not a bad strategy at all. I would have used it myself if I had such a friend. But I was sorely pissed off and I went to ask the guy who made the selection on why he left me out. It's debatable if what he said is correct. He told me that I should have caught the attention of the group somehow, like even throwing my shoes into the room to get a chance to speak. apparently the Russian politician Zhirinovsky seems to have a flair for this. I once read that he came public holding a bra in his hand. Well...that's a little too much for someone trying to lead a country with 1000s of nukes. But then, some Russians have this unorthodox way doing things, including defending against German assault with coarse weapons in the world war (I don't know if it is 1st or 2nd or both World Wars).

Those 2 guys didn't make it in the final interview and it was the smart, cool and polite guy who got selected. Later, I understood that his politeness of asking me to speak didn't exactly come altruism but was itself a Group Discussion strategy. While I could have been penalized for speaking up late and that too only after an invitation, I doubt if the selectors were right in selecting 4 who didn't even understand fully the topic. The guy who was selected, was preparing for getting into IIM but I heard that 1 month after his selection, he died in a road accident. I don't know what to make of it.

AAAAAHHHH!!!! Here I will come to the point I wanted to tell. Today, I'm in a similar situation that I was in back then. I say similar and not the same situation. Group Discussion for me today is my Job life. There are those software guys who are really technically an expert. I do not contest this. But I'm also an expert in many things that I have learnt from spirituality. All those years that those guys solved technical problems, I have been solving life problems. Today, the IIT and IIM guys are consulting the Bhagavad Gita for some clarification on a concept. While I have quite a good grasp of these and a little of technical knowledge. The expert technical guys in my field are like the guy who was selected, for whom campus selection Group Discussion was a piece of cake when compared to IIM Group Discussion. If those guys are in the liberated phase of job-excellence, I'm just enlightened. In life, some people start in spirituality and then learn job skills while for the rest, it is the opposite way. In the end, both are necessary. Please wait...I haven't yet finished my point that I wanted to tell. Please go to the next paragraph (Steffi Graf is already taken)...

Now I have all this bundle of spiritual knowledge which the IIT and IIM guys find it prudent to use in the job. Ofcourse, one has to keep in mind that IIT or IIM plus these highly fundamental spiritual truths is explosive while a spiritualist who depends on the merciful droppings of another is not really the full human potential that anyone would like to reach. So, for some time I have been, waiting for an opportunity to 'speak' to the employment market as in the Group Discussion. Just as someone who thinks he or she has mastered life after being enlightened, I'm sitting thinking that my job life will run smoothly with a lot of great ideas in my head. And time keeps flying. Please go to the next paragraph (This paragraph is already over)...

I have a plan or a blue-print of the way I need to work. It's flawless, like the way my understanding of the topic in the Group Discussion was. It might not be 100% crystal clear...this may not even be possible since, a job skill, like any other skill, requires constant refinement. All I have to do is implement it. And for me, working has now become a spiritual practice of taking refuge. I checked the plan with the 4 criteria that I learnt in spirituality for any practice to succeed....1)It must solve the problem, 2)One must have the capacity or it, 3)One has to be comfortable doing it and 4)It must stand the test of time. On this basis, I think the way I intend to work will succeed. Please go to the next paragraph (Even a Giraffe already knows this)...

The obstacles I have is recovering from the remnants of Depression which leads to the tendency of interfering in unnecessary matters which takes away my focus from my job.

In life, everyone has been blessed with resources or nature or energy etc. The worst human still has an infinite potential within him or her but it's all locked up in the way. I was once the worst human that anyone could be though I had friends who still said 'hi' in the manner of social custom. Today, I'm not as bad I was back then but I have the ghost of my past in my consciousness like the snake's peeled layer of skin. I have no regrets, because...

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." ~ Unknown

Refuged in my job life

I just have to focus on my job and things will fall into place, both for myself and in fulfilling my duties to those around me. When I concentrate on my job only, the first advantage is peace of mind. Then comes monetary gain. It also means that I will not be interfering or messing up in other people's lives and their jobs. And bloody hell...the truth of the matter is that I don't have to sweat it out in some horrid work conditions like some people have to. The only thing for me is to handle my loneliness, the self-doubts that keep creeping in occasionally and the little bit of bodily pain that I get sometimes. I go to Facebook because of this loneliness but the problem is that it's not easy to simply watch and not participate in the discussions. And if one starts to discuss, one gets dragged into a lot of emotional issues. Facebook is a Pavlov dog syndrome that I have and to replace it, I might replay a inspiring recording over and over again to get me back to work. As for my self-doubts, I'm at a point where even discussions with my counselor or reading a quote or scriptural text doesn't take me any further. So I just have to go on giving myself time and take things easily. The occasional bodily pain that I get is something that I have to go through mindfully. But I have started on my way already. For me now, doing my job is taking refuge and even though I get bumped often that puts me back on track, I'm enjoying it. :)

Removed some of my FB friends

I have removed some of my FB friends. It was difficult to do so because they might feel offended or left out. But I was having friends who I had no idea of. I mean, it's easy to fake talking nicely on the net on things of mutual interest. I do not suspect any one of them in particular and while one can make out if a person is faking it or not in the long run with or without some observation, the damage might well have happened before then. And someone might do a terrorist act faking it as coming from my computer, email and what not. Honestly, I felt that some of them might be deeply hurt but they were also at risk of being framed. This is what life is sometimes about, we need to be adapting to changing circumstances, atleast till there is no necessity for these precautions.

Labyrinth Pilgrimage

http://www.gratefulness.org/labyrinth/index.htm

This is a wonderful tool for self-reflection which can be used to come out of a problem, crises or depression. Here, one goes on a journey to the center through a lot of twists, stopping in-between and then one traces back to the outside. There can be different interpretations on this tool. This is what I have experienced...

The labyrinth is a model of how our soul gets deep into the worldly life and then again comes out. One can say that the center is when we are totally immersed and helpless in the worldly life. Going through this practice helps in realizing that there are no short-cuts in life but there is steady progress.

Another interpretation is this...the center can be viewed as when we have solved our core problem on our recovery from worldly life crises but still need to come out.of the remains of the problem...like how someone after destroying a demon in a castle has to come out safely when the castle starts crumbling in the absence of the demon. Hence it's important to complete everything that one has started not just for peace but also for happiness. In the Mahabharatha war, Abhimanyu, the son of Arjuna, knew how to penetrate the Padmavyuha but did not know how to come out of it. This led to his death, although heroic.

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Padmavyuha

Note the similarity between the labyrinth in the 2 links.

A note of caution or forewarning to my Russian friends

I'm not too much into politics but I find that there seems to be 2 factions within Russia which is in a power-struggle or dog-fight or whatever one calls it. One has financial power and the other has the intelligence power. Presently it's the latter who is in the administration. It's imperative for these people to know that neither the finance nor the intelligence can ever really save them always and that it is only their morals. If the intelligence folks think that they can beat up the opposition, they are inviting trouble in future though they might not be aware of the danger now. Tomorrow, they may be booked and sent to prison just like the financial corruption charges were pressed on the opposition now accusing them of abuse of power. Some of you might curse me as well for saying this but I have to warn you for your own good. You might think that your group is the darling of the masses but there are also those in the opposition who want to do good too. And oneday, Russian citizens will want to give them a chance too, not because they find you wanting but because of equality and justice. Face this reality now itself and if you are doing anything illegitimate, become legitimate in everything. Don't let them come after you like a pack of hyenas on an aging lion and his pride. From a friend.

A further note: It's not really possible to do power-sharing with everyone who want to do good to Russia and are in the opposition. A father is entitled to the affection of the wife but so is the son equally entitled, in a different manner ofcourse. The son wouldn't want his mother to love him just because he is a copy of his father. So even if you are going to offer them a big chunk of powers, they will want to implant their mark and not yours. Nothing in this world can be possessed, including a country, however great your love for the country is.

8 keywords in Hinduism that form a comprehensive framework of sprituality

While these are Hindu keywords, there will ofcourse be corresponding ones in other religions. From all my years in spirituality, this is what I reduce all the complexities into. These keywords are Sharanam, JnanaYoga , Bhakthi Yoga, Karma Yoga, Prapatti, Dharana, Dhyana and Samadhi.

Sharanam means taking refuge. Jnana Yoga is realization of oneness, Bhakthi Yoga is true love, Karma Yoga is service to society, Prapatti is exchanging self-love for egoism, Dharana is repeated focus, Dhyana is patient meditation and Samadhi is being in self-nature.

The above is a loose explanation of the meaning of the terms. Sharanam stands alone (BG 18:66), while the 3 Yogas and Prapatti can be grouped together (BG 18:65) and Dharana, Dhyana and Samadhi together is called Samyama (the last 3 steps of the 8 steps of Pathanjali Yoga). They are all inter-related and one leads to another. While it's possible to be grounded and start in one, it's impossible to say 'no' to another. There is a thread running along them connecting them meaningfully. I will give one such thread though there might well be many such permutations and combinations. In the case of Arjuna, he  suppressed his ego and took refuge in Krishna. Krishna gave him wisdom which in turn led to true love which gave a motivation to discharge his job as a service. He did it with concentration and meditation after the sermon and finally became liberated.

This is a comprehensive framework because being grounded in one leads to the rest and all needs of a spiritual aspirant gets satisfied by these.

Sensitivity and balance

Being highly sensitive may lead to mood imbalances. Also, while following yoga or any spiritual discipline, it is important to be balanced. One has to be gentle but yet firm when one takes the baby steps. Stagnating at one point for long leads to difficulty in continuing further on the journey after the stop. If one goes too fast, then one can get burnt out leading to forced relaxation and the necessity of attending to the burns. But trying to go at the correct pace and do everything right in yoga or spirituality can in itself lead to analysis paralysis where one starts to think too much on what to do and what not to do leading to indecisiveness, immobilization and uneasiness. So, one also has to rely on some sort of rules of thumb or heuristics which need not be some big idea in spirituality or science but simple common sense or intuition gained from a past childhood that's buried deep in the sub-conscious. There are a few uneducated laymen and common folks who even do better in life than the doctorates and disciples. Though their challenges are greater and their path is more painful, they also manage to live a decently good life and reach the destination.

Internet users especially Facebookers are today's Pavlov's Dogs

Some people get up and go to Facebook the first thing in the morning, without even brushing up the teeth. Then when one has a coffee or break-fasts, then when one goes to work, then when one is stopped in-between the work by an invitation to join a Facebook Cause (Facebookers are very social conscious humane people), then when one peeks into the I-Phone during a company meeting, then during lunch break, then to stay awake after food, then at tea time, then ...

~ a Pavlov's Dog of today (me :O))

Got to cut these libido tendencies.

Coping up with the ups and downs in life

A FB friend said something of a dream of an elderly person not well. I don't know if it is a common friend and even if so, these news hardly reveal the full picture.

Today, there was the news of my cousin's mother-in-law dying of a brain tumour. I didn't know her much but still I will be going there to show my sympathy. But these things only make me very slightly depressed but not sad. After being depressed for so long and hearing and seeing so many such negative events, I just move on after showing some customary socially accepted sign of sympathy. I will do this tomorrow when my mother dies and I will do this when I die. These emotions really doesn't help even though they look like they show the concern you have for others. It's not necessary to sit and dwell on these things to experience whatever relationship one had with the other. They don't help the person who has the disease or is dead. Those who mourn like this become a burden themselves. For me, when I don't really dwell on these things, it not only helps me remove some negativity but also helps in discharging my responsibilities even if I may look like the most cold-blooded.

People die all the time, people have accidents all the time, people lose in games all the time, people have short-comings all the time, people have diseases all the time, people get into wars all the time, people age all the time, people cheat in the relationships all the time, people have work fatigue all the time, people have debts all the time etc. All these things keep happening and if anyone really starts to worry on these things, he or she will eventually have to pull the trigger on himself or herself which really doesn't solve the problem because it results in some others worrying about why this person pulled the trigger and this goes on and on.

There are a few points which one must be clear 100% which. There may well be some other points but since all these are inter-related, if one gets anchored in one, the rest will follow. Following these points can make one handle the toughest of situations imaginable calmly, bring peace of mind, change one's life from hell to heaven and give eternal happiness. Yesterday when I talked with my sister, she suggested to me that since I claim that I'm good in spiritual matters, why not make a living out of it. I tried to tell her that such a knowledge is more for me to use it in daily life than in commercializing it directly by becoming a teacher. Since my daily life also includes working as a web developer, this knowledge isn't just dry spirituality. Infact, I'm going to use the many insights in the way I work. My problem now is more in talking a lot than in practicing them but I'm getting there. Don't discard these tips because it is coming for free (ofcourse, I know how patient you are in tolerating my personality defects). It's as good as being written in blood.   

1.Everyone is responsible for his or her life, the good and the bad. It's never someone else. This is Karma, whether we like it or not.
2. Everyone has only limited resources. One might have the best of intentions to heal the world but directing it to an undeserving person automatically takes it away from a deserving one. This is 100% a truth and don't ever have a doubt of this. I will even go to the extent of saying that the whole spirit of the Bhagavad Gita is in underscoring this message. This is Ananya Bhakthi (No-Other Devotion). 
3. One has to help himself or herself before trying to help another. There are many reasons for this. One knows oneself best to be of the best help. One doesn't need to help all the requirements of oneself but atleast one has to wash himself or herself. It's expected by the society as well. Otherwise one becomes one more burden. Helping oneself is both a responsibility and an enjoyment. Without a ground floor, there cannot be 1st floor, 2nd floor etc. One need not worry over how one gets the strength to this. Shakthi (Energy) is distributed everywhere including one's own self. Just imagine the power of an Atom Bomb....that is the Atma Shakthi. Everyone has been programmed to be constantly energized by the food one eats. Even if you don't want energy, your stomach will expect you to have food which will make you obese which will in turn make you spend the energy.
4. When one gets a blessing, one has to grasp it with both hands and never say 'no' to life. A parent will give milk in a feeding bottle to a child when he or she knows that the child is hungry. If the child refuses it because the parent didn't also sing a lullaby, the parent will simply go and place it on the table and the child not only gets hungry but also has to walk towards the table to get it (assuming it hasn't turned sour by then). So, it's vital that one grabs opportunities that come in whatever way. It's said that God speaks only once. It doesn't mean that God abandons the slow-learners and those who are deaf. What it means is that when one perceives something as a truth crystal clearly, one has to continue from there based on that realization and not keep expecting further supporting evidences for this crystal clear truth...it is like the child expecting a lullaby to go along with the milk.

Do people really read blogs?

Sometimes I pity all those who write blogs because most of them write with hope that their voice is heard but I really don't know if all these blogs really do justice to their craving for attention. Maybe I feel like this because I don't have much of a listening ear to go through all those blogs out there. I must be a devil!!! My counselor suggested me to write not for others to read but for myself. Infact he suggested to me that it was better not to write publicly. But there is not really great fun in that because I'm already doing a lot of such thinking in my head. That means someone accidentally discovering my diary on my deathbed like in the movies and coming over in tears and saying how much they have misunderstood or mistaken me. Well, the skeptic that I have become, I do not want such inconveniences to be left to chance...LOL.

Going to sleep...zzz...

The inside world is a reflection of the outside world. Every body sensation is an indicator of a present reality of one's world out there. So if you have a pain in the ass, there is an asshole out there. :-)

What a load of HULA!

I wish I could write frankly now. Yeah the warm milk that I drank just now has brought a tranquilizing effect on my brain.

I had dinner with my sister at a restaurant. We had some good talks and as expected it touched slightly on things we disagree on. We are both the nemesis of each other, not only because we have fought from childhood from sibling rivalry but because she is a lot different from me. The tragic-comedy is that you might be like my sister in your personal, professional life etc. and liking me and/or my posts here while another might be like me in my personal, professional life etc. but disliking me and/or posts here. Also, while at a first glance, my father's trait seems to be dominant in her and my mother's in me, it's not so when one looks under the layer. I have inherited more of the spirituality from my father's line while she has got the tenderness from my mother. I have said 'father's line' and not father because spirituality largely skipped him though he came from an orthodox family. My father was very practical and he went to work at 18 years who was one of the responsible sons that supported the family when my grand-father wasted away the family money. My father was more of a father to his younger sisters and well-respected than my grand-father. My mother, like my father, was one of the most respected members of the family because she didn't complain much about her woes but helped in whatever capacity. My relatives like me more because of my parents than my own self. Atleast when I was a child, I could say that I had some innocent charm but now some of my relatives talk well to me only because of my parents. Okay...it's not all my fault, anyway and when I grew up and saw the real face of some relatives, the games people play, I lost respect for them as well. But I also remember their better faces as a child when life was all good. In this life, there is no friend or enemy. I'm not your friend or enemy and neither are you mine. There is a friend who resides at the bottom of the hearts of everyone. Such a friend is the one when, for example, gives an understanding nod when there was every reason to misunderstand when people are all having their own problems. It might go away as soon as it had appeared. People really don't annihilate each other for this reason and the memory of such an event only. That is why I do not really like or dislike anyone.

I don't have complaints also about people, including myself, falling short of expectations like the way it is promised to be when you are growing up or when you read books or watch movies. It is one reason I'm not interested in romance as well. People all grow up with different life scripts...one might want her boy friend like in the Titanic and another might want his girl friend like in the Romeo & Juliet. The girl expects the boy to die like in the Titanic while the boy expects both of them to die like in Romeo & Juliet...lol. People also get to like or dislike someone based on the resemblances to those who were already kind or cruel in their lives. A girl might not be considered attractive by the majority of boys but she might look like a boy's mother who has been taking care of him all along. I guess this is a part of Oedipus or Electra Complex. There is nothing wrong in this as long as in the future, there develops a reverse-Oedipus or reverse-Electra Complex i.e. when one starts liking the mother or father sexually because one likes the girl friend or boy friend and one loses a sense of discrimination between a parent and a lover i.e. parental love and romantic love. I don't know if really there is a term like 'reverse' in the present psychology though it's very real , kind of like the reverse swing in cricket. Anyway, the problem will not be there if the chosen one was really as kind as the mother or the aunt or the father or the uncle or the next-door neighbour. The problem comes because such 'love at first sight' brings in a whole lot of unexpected personality surprises from misperception. For example, let me take my own case since I know it best...my ex-gf looked a lot like my other, looked like a heroine I liked, looked like my aunt who married my uncle in a love marriage etc. While my ex gf did have many things that these people had, she lacked the vital ones which were indispensable for the success of our relationship. For example, she didn't have the tenderness of my mother or the importance of romantic love as in the heroine or the passion of my aunt. These are not any character flaws in her. She was simply different from the one I had thought I had got into the relationship with. And I was also not the one she thought she had got into a relationship with. In my 12th standard, I acted like a big educated scholar when I was in reality not so. I was simply trying to impress her, maybe I even thought I was a scholar back then or maybe I even wanted to put on the image so that I can get myself to study better since my future career was going to be decided then or maybe I simply liked the adulation of the class. But this is the image she got. She also was really not much into romance but was very much a family oriented-girl. This can be gauged from the fact that she didn't walk away from her parents or brother when I was willing to do anything for her. It was not like I didn't love my parents. Maybe, the extra importance I gave to her came from the lesser I gave to my sister. So, it's a matter of different priorities decided by everyone's stupid perceptions of the other based on an illusory world. It's very pathetic. That is why the thought of romantic love with a girl has all but gone in me. I will ofcourse marry because I would have to fit into the society and also because marriage is the license to prostitution.

Mouna Ragam is a classy movie. But look at what's happened to the characters in the movie. All but the director Mani Ratinam have gone weird. The producer, a father of my childhood friend, committed suicide due to financial difficulties, Revathy applied for a divorce in real life as in the movie but unlike in the movie, she is not living with her husband Suresh Menon, Karthik got into all sorts of financial difficulties and went out of the market, Mohan disappeared from the movie circle with a false rumour that he got Aids and tried an unsuccessful return back to the screen and Ilayaraja's wife it seems ran away with another. Mani Ratinam did some great movies afterward but soon his quality has degraded to the extent of wondering about his senility making a movie like Raavan.

All these are sick people from whom a million dollars can be made by both Hollywood and the Pharmaceutical companies. Any idea of the reason behind it?

Sleeping with the neighbour

A husband and wife has a quarrel. The wife becomes very angry and starts telling her woes to a male neighbour. The neighbour gives a listening ear but he also gets a liking for the wife. And one-day, the wife feels like teaching the insensitive husband a lesson and in the heat of moment sleeps with the neighbour.

The husband is India, the wife is Pakistan, the neighbour is China, the quarrel is Kashmir and Pakistan gifting away a part of itself to China is the one-night-stand.

What has all the three really gained and lost?

The last nail in the coffin of Pakistan's Islamic home-grown terrorism

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/01/04/AR2011010400955.html

With the death of Salman Taseer, the Governor of Punjab, it looks like Pakistan's Islamic home-grown terrorism has signed a death warrant for itself. And with it, the Kashmiri separatist movement as well.

It's like the way the Hindu-Muslim riots ended after the assassination of Mahatma Gandhi by a Hindu extremist or the way the Khalistan movement ended after the assassination of Indra Gandhi by a Sikh bodyguard. In these cases, it is not some one from the other side who kills but someone inside the clan itself. When such a thing happens, people start reflecting on everything. The fence is supposed to protect the crops but if it starts feeding on crops itself, the farmer sets right the fence. Pakistan has long been exporting terrorism to India in Kashmir and today by Karma, it has resulted in the death of a citizen of it's own making him a martyr. While Benazir Bhutto's assassination was more high-profile that led to a focus on stopping Taliban terrorism, Salman's assassination is low key but nevertheless important. It's easy to escape self-reflection by laying the blame on some unidentified person as in the killing of Benazir Bhutto with the justification that she was pro-western. But when it comes to a moderate Muslim being killed by a known person who is supposed to guard him in the name of Islam, Pakistani people are not going to feel secure and neither will they let things continue as they are. So contrary to the new paper article's headline, I think this is the turning point that will set the decline of the Pakistani extremists hold in Pakistan.

The healing that happens in the Ashram way of life

Life in an Ashram is pretty simple, bland and boring. There are Ashrams at many places like the Osho Commune in Pune, the Aurobindho Ashram in Pondicherry, the Ramana Maharishi Ashram, the Vipasaana Meditation Buddhist Retreats, A Network for Grateful Living etc. Ofcourse, one doesn't need to enroll themselves in these Ashrams to get healed. Only, these Ashrams aid the process by giving a suitable environment.

When one takes up such a life, a few pointers can be useful if understood at first itself. It's because when people jump into this way of life, they expect a radical change immediately and that too without wishing to drop off their old harmful old life patterns. Such unrealistic expectations make them jump out as fast as they jumped in. The reason Enlightenment happens in a moment but Liberation takes time is that there are latent tendencies. A habitual smoker suffering from some problem from smoking, after going through many self-help articles suddenly finds a way out and all things fall-in place. At that moment, he thinks he has got over his addiction because it's all sorted out nicely and his taste for the cigarette is eclipsed briefly. The real test comes when he keeps getting the opportunities to smoke again, like when he is anxious or when he wants to pass the time or his buddies are offering him some. And there can be many such issues like smoking that a person has. Someone need not lose heart to see a mountain of those issues because one can go on at the pace he or she is comfortable with. A child who keeps postponing studies because of playfulness feels guilty of the parent scolding. But if the child says that he or she has started studying according to his or her capacity, the parent will even ask the child to not keep studying all the time but also play. Buddha was enlightened and not liberated at 32. He was definitely liberated at 80 when He died, though perhaps He might have lived as a Jeevan-Muktha  (freed while still living) long before then.   

There are 3 basic things that need to be understood clearly and knowing these help even those not taking the Ashram way of life. These are in the way they go about discharging their duties, taking rest and enjoying pleasures.

As long as one lives, one has to discharge one's responsibilities or duties. Even one who goes to an Ashram is asked to do some simple things, like in the old days, sweeping the floors or preparing the food or buying the merchandise for the community. One cannot ever escape from doing karma but the beauty of nature is that there is only starting trouble and when one gets into the rhythm, one no longer feels like one is doing an karma because there is a shift from momentum at rest to momentum in motion. All efforts in action leads to the state of effortless action. But wait till you read further next...

It's equally important to take rest to regain energy and allow nature to heal oneself. The way to do this is by putting brakes on the momentum in action whenever it starts exceeding. Here, one does karma to stop further karma i.e. one acts to take rest. For example, when one starts working 18 hours a day and gets burnt out, then one has to force oneself on a vacation. This is not mere running away from duties but a mindful decision to optimize one's capabilities i.e work-life balance. But read further because it still isn't complete...

While the above 2 makes one to discharge the responsibilities to the society to a large extent, it leaves the person dry and empty. Also, without joy from enjoying pleasures, there is no real motive to discharge the responsibilities joyously and so it gets affected as well. But pleasures are like butterflies. If you chase them as desires, they run away but if you allow them to settle on you, they linger. For example, in an Ashram, the food served is clean, made with simple ingredients and not really hot and spicy like the ones served in restaurants. But when one understands that it helps heal the physical body, comes without having to pay too much money and tasty in it's own sublime way, one starts enjoying it.

Combined with all the 3 above is one more thing, which is patience. Changes sometimes don't seem to be happening, the present is not exactly all the wonderful things it was promised to be and one feels like going back to the old life knowing full well that the old life was like hell. At these times, 2 things come to the rescue. One is life itself because it creates obstacles in going back and gives incentives for going forward. The other is one's own will-power or self-confidence or self-belief or trust in oneself or whatever one calls it. If one faces even a small, single, habitual pessimistic thought in a realistic way, it will disappear forever, a victory that can be celebrated and which propels one forward. It's alright to slip every now and then and it is to be expected. There is no point in feeling miserable about it and considering oneself a failure. On the spiritual path, there is never ever the risk of falling back below to the milestones already crossed, though wallowing in self-pity at any one point means opting to stay there for all eternity. Even if one doesn't mind it, nature forces one to move forward because nature wants perfect beings. It's smarter to do something from inspiration than from perspiration. Atleast there is the saving of face...lol. So one has to get back to where one left, when one is comfortable enough and continue further. If one loses a month's salary gambling, the casino is not going to be kind enough to reimburse it. However, if one spills the milk, one need not cry over the spilt milk but instead let the pet cat drink it and who knows it may warn you of a robber in your house in future. Never under-estimate the power of the smallest of actions done towards a better life...it is what the Butterfly Effect is all about. This is an esoteric truth and many ancient civilizations have knowledge of it like those who practice Voodoo in Africa. Over here in Tamil Nadu, it is called, 'Sei Vinai'. BTW, if you are an African or a Tamilian reading this, don't take this wrong, because there is a counterpart of this everywhere. The thing about this esoteric truth is that it works whether it is done for good or bad or for fun. But the universe respects all of it's laws, not just one. It also respects karma i..e cause and effect. When people practice wrongly, it no doubt hurts the intended party but it equally hurts the one doing it. When one does it for fun as an experiment, the fun lasts as long as the experiment is continued and so there is no permanent benefit. If one however, uses it as a tool of benevolence, he or she becomes an angel who in turn gets blessed. I have sometimes suspected that my ex-girl friend's family might have done a 'Sei Vinai' to me (the Malayalis are quite good in these esoteric truths), but then I cannot really blame them even if they had done it. It's because they wouldn't have done it if I hadn't give them a reason for doing so. Eventually, everyone's life is decided by one's own actions and since we are all social creatures, it's better to send good things around so that we get back the same. One more thing...the moment we return back after a distraction is in itself an initial point of the Butterfly Effect that decides how we will end up at that stage of development. So while an Enlightenment may be a mega start, these are all minor starts which also matter in our Liberation.

As one proceeds like this, better times are more frequent and lasts longer whenever they come. Eventually, there is eternal happiness.

Identity crises

I understand that things will get better for me and those around me when I get back to my real self. But it's so easily said but really 'Who am I?'

Sure, 1993 was the high point of my life but I cannot go there again the same way. Neither can I live as if I was born today even though all my past sins have been forgiven.

Honestly, it is not my wish to expect that I have helped others in a large-scale. It is both not possible for a single person to do such a thing and also any such expectations requires one to also answer for the collateral damages on the way. So, I would like to believe that my life has been useful to atleast some. My thirst for the lost life of 1993 has dried up and what gives me peace and happiness is only to have this idea in me and enjoying the everyday joys that come on it's own.

Less online and more offline

I think I have set right my relations with my online friends who I came to know since Pravda. Atleast that is what I did like to hope and believe. While I hear pleasant word from my friends from which I sense that misunderstandings, if any, are buried, I cannot hear from all of them and even words have limited power of expression. Things that happen is an indicator but even then understanding everything about things that happen is impossible. So one has to go by signs.

While my real-world family and social life is not as explosive or exciting, my relatives and friends are very sore and hurt with me for having long neglected them. It starts from my mother and sister. These relatives used to be as exciting as my present online friends when I was young but today they are a bit of a drag. The blame goes both to themselves and me because they have also forgotten the fun times we had back then. Today, they have grown into their unique personalities where they selectively include people based on the utility now. So I'm focusing on them now.

Actually, it is good for my online friends as well because I have for long robbed them some of their share of attention that they get in the online social network.

Bond girls aren't always bright

A beautiful girl with the purrfect figure walks into a bank in London and looks around everywhere.

A young guard with an ID 007 pinned up on his shirt comes over and asks her, "May I help you?".

She flips her eyelids and says, "No, I'm fine. I'm just having a look around."

The guard looks at her puzzled and goes away. A few moments later, a middle-aged blond and chubby woman known by the bank employees as M, comes over and asks, "Do you wish to invest in a Security?"

The girl says, "No, I'm looking for a Bond."

"No problem. Bond is one Security we offer.", M explains. "Please wait while I introduce to my assistant, James."

The girl winks at her, "It's alright. I have met him already. It's his move now." 

This time, M is puzzled and leaves. After 5 minutes, a jolly old man comes over with a smile and says, "My colleague told me that you were interested in a Bond."

The girl says, "But...but..." and faints.

She wakes up to find herself staring at the ceiling. When she turns over, a strikingly handsome well-built young man grins at her and says, "My colleague told me that you were interested in a Bond."

She utters, "...are you reeeeeaalllyyy???" and faints.

The process of shutting down things

It's easy to go out and talk wonderful things on a social network, like I have been doing for a long time. Talks like peace, happiness, joy, beauty, creativity etc. Actually when many friends come together like this, they are really sincere in living happily together. But then, slowly one by one the same old problems start coming out of the closest. A doesn't like being classified in a group he presently belongs to, B is unhappy with the job life, C is still having a broken relationship, D has to deal with a sick person at home etc. So these talks promise a lot of things but if one keeps hugging and sending gifts, who is going to give the energy to hug or the cash to buy those gifts? That is why such social networks must never become an addiction.

One must master the skill to shut-down oneself time and again from these things. Eventually, the last shut down will be one's own life. It looks scary initially and sometimes a little difficult to do, but unless one goes to sleep peacefully on one day, the next day is sure to get spoilt. With every shut-down, a lot of waste gets eliminated so that fresh ones can be taken in the next time. Even when someone kills himself or herself this way, it cannot be called a suicide in the normal sense of the word. It's because in the normal sense a suicide is committed, the person is overwhelmed by his or her circumstances and tries to escape an abnormal situation. Someone following the scriptures may object that this is against religion. The scriptures say that death has to occur by nature or God but a soul is itself a part of the nature or God. But for someone to self-destruct, he or she has to be a very advanced person...Bhishma had this capacity to die at his own decided time. Death may sound gloomy but it is the purifier of earth. Otherwise life on earth will become a stale pond instead of a fresh running water.

Initially, the idea of death brings a panic reaction but over time, people get used to it and towards the end, start welcoming it. They understand that they are only exchanging the old for a better new one. Little incidents in life start removing their fear of the impending death. For example, when one shuts down the computer or retires from a job or the daughter gets married off to another or when they come out of a major surgery etc. All these aid in understanding life and death better.

It's as important to be firm enough with oneself to leave the party in the middle gracefully even when others are dancing as it is to make a grand entrance at the exact minute. Otherwise, the party next day gets affected.

Witnessed at the beach today

அவன் தான் ஒரு பேமானி Bike வசான்னா, நீயும் வெக்கணுமா?
"Avan thaan oru Baemaani Bike vechaannaa, neeyum vekkanumaa?!"
"If he only, a #$%^&*(~ kept the Bike there, do you also have to keep it?"

சாரிங்க, தெறியல...ஏன் இத இவ்ளவு Indecentஆ சொல்றேங்க? "Sorrynga, theriyala...yaen idha ivallavu Indecenta solarenga?"
"Sorry mam, didn't know...why are you telling this so Indecently?"

LOL

The talk was between a corporation worker and a young stud who parked his bike where cars are supposed to be parked.

It was funny because these people don't mince words in expressing themselves and the young man was himself nice. It's the clash of classes where the worker was merely frustrated and irritated by these young, spoilt and rich kids to whom the Elliots Beach is a place for having fun without any strings attached.

But the beach will not be what it is without these two types of people. While the beach will start stinking within a day if these workers go on a strike, the affluent sections provide a rosy picture of merry all around. I guess it is the same with life too.

Looked as if there was an angel missing at the beach today.

I went and played at the Badminton court today. Not bad...I got the hang of it after 5 minutes. I lost 2 games and won 1. But that's okay. There were a couple of girls there with whom I played but they were too young for me though they looked nice. I had to learn the rules of the game since it was a little different from tennis. At the end of the day, I still didn't remember all the rules since I had played a long time back but it didn't matter much. The first game we won and in the next 2 games, I became a wee-bit pre-occupied with trying to win. in the 1st game, I played more for the joy of being there in that atmosphere. In the next 2 games, I started analyzing which technique I should use to play, like I used to strategize in tennis. So my natural flow was lost. The same old dilemma also returned...whether to play for winning or enjoying the atmosphere or perfecting the game or stick to the issues that I'm dealing with in life. finally, there was no focus on anything like being in the no-man's land, and I couldn't play well. But it didn't matter and if not fully, I achieved to some extent all those things. I have to get this dilemma of not knowing the reason for playing the game. Generally, it is easy at the start because one has neither won nor lost. But when one has started winning or losing, then it affects the motive. I will have to buy a racquet but I'm not going to do so immediately since my reputation at home as bread-winner recently isn't really at a all-time high. Today, the club manager lent me his racquet. And I had to look at him guiltily a couple of times I hit the racquet on the floor. I will also not join on a monthly basis but rather pay on a daily basis whenever I go to play there.

I'm keeping Maam Yekam Sharanam Vraja in my mind. Well..that is the reality I want to create for myself though i understand only vaguely and even when it means different things at different points of time. But I believe that in any such phrases or proverbs or commandment, there is an underlying truth that is stable even when the surface looks contradictory, hazy and what not. The mind is a funny thing in that even if it is given a precise explanation of something, it tries to find some loose end and escape. I have stopped trying to find precise meanings for these truths in the full confidence that the message is loud and clear to my unconscious.