The finality of an action

I understood the power and finality of action (although not in a way that I liked that time), when my girl friend married another.

There are certain things in life which are irreversible (reminds me of the song of the Italian movie by that name) and there are certain things which are reversible (like going back to choose another way while driving).

My setting her free was merely a mock-up since I never in my wildest dreams thought that they she will even think of herself with another man. But I was thinking that she was just not in her right mind and she will soon understand what was happening.

When she told me that she was married, the curtain came down. People have different standards in different cultures when to know that a relationship is over, and even within a culture, it varies depending on the individual and in an individual itself, depending on the time and place. In the west, the same Demi Moore's standards vary in 'The Ghost' and the 'The Indecent Proposal'. For me, when my girl friend married another, it was the end.

Many times it came across my mind if I might go back to her. A few times I even searched for her just out of curiosity in social networks. But I always held that it is gone forever. that is why even when once I did find her on a social network, I didn't contact her. I also understood that she wouldn't really like to remember the old times and maybe she even fears me that I might harm her marriage out of anger. I was irked a little bit when I saw her display of affection to her father online after all we had gone through but then she was his daughter before my girl friend. Also, she is a very strong willed girl who was proud to be a Leo. These things wouldn't have really mattered if only we were right for each other.

The decisive action that she took or forced to take, though final, isn't as simple as could be taken in a moment and forgotten later. She had told me in her letters all along that she was getting pressurized everyday. Even when the problem came, things might have been salvaged if only I had also not blown up the trust she had had on me. But I don't blame myself because we were just not made for each other and she must have felt greatly relieved after having taken the decision to get out of the relationship. But then, it is not easy to forget in a day what was the dream of 3 years. It reminds me of the song in the movie 'Nenjil Oar Aalayam'...'Ninaipadhellaam Nadandhuvittaal...' and I (funnily) have to console myself with 'Engirundhaalum Vaazhga..'

Let me tell you, it was a tragedy (like BeeGees sings).

I don't know if this blog is like that of Anne Frank's diary or the room I stay in is like that of Adolf Hitler's underground bunker. I just don't care as long as infinity.

No offense to you, wouldn't mind if you let the psych in

Live in finite to live infinite

Two friends in deep trouble in their worldly lives went to see a Guru at an Ashram in a forest to get a solution. The Guru gave a set of instructions to follow. One of the two asked how long it will take to have all their problems solved. The Guru took them underneath a mango tree outside the Ashram.

He said, "Look at all these mangoes. Your problems will be solved when all the mangoes fall-off from the tree".

The first friend said, "Guruji, I'm thankful for your guidance. I find it plausible and within my capacity. Though there are numerous mangoes, it is still not endless and so oneday they will all have to fall oneday. I also like the ambiance of the mangrove and I will be happy to spend my days here."

The second friend thought a bit. Will what the Guru said work? What if he is a cheat and expects something in return in future? What if I cannot practice as is expected? And there are too many mangoes to fall off...surely there must be an easier way. So he said, "Guruji, I appreciate your advice. But I have to go now."

So the first friend stayed at the ashram while the second friend went back.

Some time later, the Guru had a visitor to the Ashram. It was the second friend, now battered, shattered, covered in dirt and emaciated.

The Guru asked him, "What happened to you?".

"Guruji, after my meeting with you, I went to many places to get a quick-fix solution to my problems. The pressure of the world kept getting at me as I went from one place to another for a magical cure. Some of them worked for some time but they were mere addictions which brought some other problem to me and I slid further down. I have just come back from hell and I hope you can give me some cure. I don't even mind waiting now."

The Guru said, "Okay. But you are in a very poor condition. First have this mango to satisfy your hunger."

The second friend had it with great relish. He said, "Nice mango...by the way, I would like to see my good old friend."

The Guru said, "You have just eaten him."

The second friend looked at the mango tree outside and there were no more any mangoes left on the tree.

Arvy, the sperm

There was once a sperm called Arvy. He had a lot of friends and went to gymnasium daily to strengthen himself to be the one to mate when the moment of love-making arrives. So he practised with great enthusiasm, discipline and regularity the austerities that was laid out. There were a lot of folks who were also interested and they too took up exercising. There were alliances and there were also competitions. And then the the post man called hormone, brought the long-awaited message. There was indeed increased activity and there was going to be a mass evacuation. Arvy broke into walk, a run, a marathon and finally a sprint as the he reached the gate. By now, he had left the other sperms a long distance back. Suddenly he heard a woman shouting and screaming. He lost his momentum, zeal and then even started perspiring and took a U-Turn. As he came back, the others asked him why he was returning back. He shouted, "This is no love. This is a rape. I do not want to be born as an unwanted child and curse tomorrow my Father for the act and my Mother for sending me to an orphanage. If you heed my advice, you also don't go out." And all of them stopped one by one. The would-be Father then sadly wondered why the pen is limp.

The Truth Serum

For a brief time, I worked as a sales engineer selling pumps for a dealer of a multinational company. The dealer paid me only a little money but the nice thing was that he allowed me to work from the multinational company where I was given a desk.

Once I went to see a prospect to get a sales. I explained something and though this was during the beginning of severe depression and I worked terribly, I did manage to go and atleast give an explanation and quote for his requirement. I also had a lunch with my multinational company marketing manager at a nice hotel who started the lunch conversation by asking if I can tell a lie well. I was a very egoistic guy back then but still I was also principled and I was really not paying attention when he told me that I have to tell lies in sales. Anyway, after some time, I went back to the client and asked me if he wanted to order. He told me that he had already got the pumps from the head-office of the multinational company bypassing me and my company. So he had used my services without having to pay for it.

The above is not really a confession of my brave adventures in sales but rather to say something about the way God evaluates a person as well. A devotee can consciously try to explain to God his or her merit for his or her own satisfaction. God doesn't need any such proof because whether someone is a devotee or not, he or she is in the image of God. God is Bheejam Avyayam (Seed Imperishable).

When I was at my psychiatrist's clinic, he used an injection as I started talking. Okay...I knew that he was trying to get in to my sub-conscious but I let it be and I have no idea what all he got from what I said. But then he was a good doctor to whom I even entrusted my brain during ECT.

Even me landing up in the old forum looks like it was routed.

I told some time back that a parent doesn't really get impressed when his or her son or daughter makes a statement of love because it is twittered or facebooked. A parent knows it better in one of the most spontaneous moments of the child. This doesn't mean that the son or daughter shouldn't make gestures of love. This will bring the intentions into reality better.

So one can allow oneself to be as one is without any artificiality at any time one really feels like letting go.

Anbe Sivam

I posted a meaning of Anbe Sivam that 'Love alone is God'. This is the most obvious meaning. I can think of 2 other meanings. 'Siva is Love Personified' is related to the personal deity Siva which will appeal to those who are practising Ananya Bhakthi on Siva. 'Love alone is Good' is another meaning from the Sanskrit root 'Siva' equating to 'Good'. This will appeal from a moral perspective. There may be other meanings other than these. In every religion, there is a very powerful fundamental blessed phrase or mantra which is like a seed from which everything else can be derived. This is one of them.

On trust

There is a scene in the movie climax of 'Minsara Kanavu' where Kajol is in a dilemma and wants to forsake love for Prabhudeva when Aravindhswamy proposes to her. A typical love triangle. Incidentally, Prabhudeva helps Aravindhswamy since he is supposed to know romance better but he himself starts loving Kajol. Kajol also has a wish from her childhood to enter the life of the nun. So when there is a lot of disappointments, she decides to take up the austere life. Eventually it turns out that Aravindhswamy becomes a father while Kajol and Prabhudeva get married.

In another movie, called 'Anbe Sivam' (Love alone is God), Madhavan feels revolted at the sight of blood and when there is a train accident, Kamalhassan asks him to give blood. But madhavan is concerned about what will happen to him when he gives it. The Christian sister then tells him that God doesn't take the life of one to save the life of another. What Madhavan could do was little but it could still save someone's life.

I cannot personally accept a God who asks one to sacrifice without giving a reason that is rational and acceptable to oneself. No one can know who God is because God is beyond the reach of the senses. If anything, I take small steps with whatever reasoning I get but I never make any foolish sacrifice in the name of God. But then, I also understand that if there is anything that can loves and protects me 100%, it is God. I know that this body of mine will oneday definitely get destroyed but then I also make the transition easy. Since I have nothing to lose, I live day by day with whatever is adviced and with every day, I do keep losing a bits of fear which gets filled in by grace. My counselor adviced me this...when you are in unfamiliar territory, walk like how you would in unfamiliar waters. Lift one step and place it forward and when you are sure that it is stable, bring the another and go on like this. If it is unstable, go back and try in another direction. This is like walking safely in a land mine using some prod.

But do we have to walk? Why not just stay where we are? I saw a National Geographic video on the Wilderbeast migration in Serengity. They are too large in numbers running into thousands and thousands. And they have to migrate because the grass will run out and maybe for other reasons like mating in a safe place etc. So they come to cross a huge river. Initially a few come and they are hesitant to cross because there is the swift current and the crocodiles waiting there. So they just stop but then, as the pressure starts building up from behind, they realize that it is do or die. Today I have nothing to complain materially and I have no diseases (maybe not even depression). But then I'm well aware that whatever safety and comforts I enjoy is there only as long as the situation warrants. Okay...it's not as if I'm standing on the banks since I have taken the plunge a long time back. The other side, whatever one calls it..heaven or afterlife or rebirth or reincarnation or liberation etc. is partly chosen and partly forced. The effect of someone dying of hunger or whatever in the streets may not be obvious to someone far removed away in a land of wealth but then like a tidal wave, it gets transmitted because everything and everyone is connected. I trust God because I trust my mother. I had thought when I had grown that even my parents were not to be trusted because they couldn't do anything in my time of need. But then, now I realize that when I had grown up, I was too big for them to take care of even though they still loved me the same way. And so my trust in God is not so much a trust in God as it is on my mother. It's because I trust my mother that I can trust God.

And let me tell you one more important thing...you don't need to always go on trusting God. Trust is needed only in the beginning and as time goes by, one gets evidences to support the plunge one had taken which makes things easier and after a point, all the fear is gone.

Mercy and Grace

I got an explanation for what mercy and grace is a long time back which sounded nice. Mercy is the blessings one gets from God even when one has done something bad while Grace is the blessings one gets from God even when one has not done anything good. One can still clarify on what blessings means...the blessings in Mercy can be taken to mean as the cancellation of all sins, a whole-hearted pardon while the blessings in Grace can be taken to mean as the rewards of heaven.

The revolution that is going about in the Islamic world was something to be expected. Just like there was a reform in Christianity during the dark ages or in Hinduism during the British rule, while 911 might be a defining moment for Americans to look into the direction they were heading in an internet age, the current Jasmine revolution is a reforming moment for Islam. Weeds grow around anything over time and if the core ideals of any ideology has to survive, a little bit of rattles on the surface is to be expected and infact welcomed. The Hinduism in India emerged more vibrant and stronger after the weeds of terrible practices were stopped.

But then, Muslims also have a responsibility of being devoted to their book, the Holy Koran. When the Holy Prophet, Mohammad, brought up Islam for the first time to the world, He and His followers forgave their enemies when they were in a strong position. It is to be done not from a holier than thou attitude but from an understanding that everyone is equal and gets an unconditional pardon as soon as one repents. This is the essence of the Mercy that the Holy Koran preaches, which every Muslim has to practise in a time of difficulty as in a revolution.

As to Grace, I read recently that a food item that one gets to eat at home or in a hotel comes from 72 activities that has gone into it. I don't know how the number 72 was arrived at but the actual activities today can very well be still higher. An activity is say, cooking, cutting the vegetables, going to the shop, the transportation of the food item from the source of production etc. So when one gets addicted to the luxurious, mouth watering food items like Pizza or Steaming Idli or Fried Noodles or Delicious Parathas etc., it will do well to be grateful for this...because this is the Grace of God. And I want to add...Muslims in the Arab world, for whatever good they did a long time back, were fortunate to be born in the world of oil, which makes them rich to buy a lifestyle which includes these things. I don't know in what context the 72 virgins in heaven is promised (I don't even know if this is said in the Holy Koran), but Muslims need to be aware that they are already in heaven with the 72 blessings.

Grace and Mercy are two sides of the same coin. Unless one is Merciful, one cannot expect Grace and unless one is Grateful, one cannot be Merciful.

Meditation for Dummies

I found a book 'Meditation for Dummies' quite nice. Since I had already used the Dummies logo for the Mind Gym post, I thought I will use the Mind Gym logo for the Meditation for Dummies post. (Sometimes it helps to break out of a pattern or too much rationality.)

The book has nice simple instructions which even an Asian will find useful because the original texts are a little complicated. The author has spent more than 30 years in meditation practise and it is quite entertaining to read with interesting and useful tips. I have taken up one of the practices which I expect will get me stabilized in a nice way.

A friend in need is a friend indeed

Udukkai izhandavan kai pol Ange
Idukkai kaLaivadAm nadpu
~ Thirukkural

"Just as the hand reaches instinctively to put on the pants back when it accidentally falls, a friend immediately helps another in need."

 

My job

I'm basically a web developer (in the programming sense). I like it because I like to be creative and of the job options available to me, it is what fits the bill (economically, socially, passionately and skillfully). I do not want to be a part of any intelligence network because...well..I'm not intelligent enough. :-)

Having said this, you can use my name or links to my contacts without paying any royalties to me (an oxy-moron? since I'm already high on subsidy). You may or may not use it for good but since my contacts are good, you will face a lot of hurdles if you use it for bad. You can have me like you would take in a raw mango, but then don't expect the mango to fall into your mouth to satisfy your hunger. A mango wants to just drop off the tree and maybe it will produce some future good tree if the soil turns out to be fertile.

I say this not from intelligence but from that which is still higher.

'They (sages) say that the senses are great; greater than the senses is the mind; greater than mind is reason; but what is greater than reason, is He.' ~ Bhagavad Gita 3:42

Note to myself (and whoever wishes it)

Note to myself (and my ex-school teacher) - Ozymandius

I don't know if I had told this before but this is one of those memories (an unpleasant one) which I wish just goes away.

A new English teacher, Lawrence, came to my school when I was around 14. He was quite friendly and since I was sitting in the front seats of the class (with always a wish that Lakshmi seated far back might start noticing me), I chit-chatted with him and he was friendly as well. Maybe he also wanted to have some good vibes created around him being new to the school. He was very scholarly in English, which I think may have been helped by himself being a Christian. He took some nice poems like Lucy and Ozymandius which he explained with great zeal and clarity (relative to our standards). Then oneday, he asked everyone to come with the notebooks covered or wrapped up and labeled. I'm not exactly a devoted student and so I didn't do it. When he saw this, he scribbled in big bold letters, 'I'm a fool'. I thought...there goes the pretty look of my notebook. But then, on a lighter vein the way we have been all this time, I said...'Sir, why are you signing your autograph on my notebook?'. He looked at me blankly for a moment. He then asked me to come and meet him after the lecture. Then, he got up and asked me to tell the class what I had just said. I saw that he had taken it too personally and so I said sorry. But he will have none of it. So he brought me before the whole class and asked me to say it. It wouldn't have been a big deal if only Lakshmi was not there. So just as I was trying my best to build up a good image before her, I was made to stand like a culprit. Not only this, after this, he took me to the next class and asked me to kneel down in a corner. But this didn't matter much because Lakshmi wasn't there. And even then his anger didn't subside. He asked me to meet him at lunch in the staff room. There he asked me to sit down on the floor asked me to write 'I'm a fool', a 100 times in my notebook. Again, a little bit of my self-respect went out as some of my teachers came in and out. Some of them liked me while some of them knew me to be a bad boy of the class. After I had given this to him, he told me that I have to come and do like this every day for 1 month. I didn't think about it except to have a guilt feeling. The next day I reported as required but this time thankfully, he let me off with a smile. I was relieved and forgot the whole thing almost immediately.

What's your point, Guardian?

A kid loses his parents in an automobile accident and his uncle takes over as his Guardian. Being a rich kid, the Guardian sends him to some of the finest schools making him a complete man, like the way the commercial goes, 'Ryamonds - The Complete Man'. The Guardian, for his part as bringing up a fine kid gets to enjoy the many material benefits that the kid has inherited. When the kid becomes a fine young man, the Guardian wants him to see how good he is among the girls because that will be the ultimate proof of his fine upbringing. So, he instigates the kid to visit parties where there are nice young ladies as well as sluts. The young man, who has indeed become a very refined person hesitates because he was not taught to do these things in school where it he learnt the fine arts, science and sports. The Guardian suggested, "Son...you will get some real life encounters with some interesting people and come on man...you are grown up and be a man and find for yourself a woman." The youth has for some time been wondering about why girls acted differently and why there were separate sections for boys and girls in the school. Being rough and tough with his male buddies, he was also attracted to the softness that girls seemed to be. But he was too afraid and so when his Guardian suggested, he went along the idea. So he went to late-night parties and social events and to his surprise, he got a lot of admirers. Though he was inexperienced, all his learning and fine manners attracted many because they were all used to unruly, time-wasting and uninteresting folks at the parties and the events. No wonder that many girls fell for him too but he was always wary of one-night stands and believed in commitment to a single girl. After a long period of searching, making friendships and even getting a bit close with some girls as a sign of intimacy to find if one of them matched him, he came across a girl who was just what he had always wanted and needed. They both hit off together and oneday he proposed to her. To his joy, she accepted him and all they had to do was get the approval of her parents and his Guardian. Her father came over to see his Guardian and as every father would like to know,the father asked, "I came to know that your goes to parties. I hope he is a decent young fella." The Guardian said, "Oh, my son is a great guy indeed. He is the darling of all the girls who come to the parties. They all fall over him and just cannot stop rubbing on him. He doesn't turn down even a single girl because being his Guardian, I have told him that honouring human emotions is very important. So I have allowed him to stay late at night in the parties with them...some of them he brings over here as a favour back. He is a Playboy. The fantasy of every girl, if you get what I mean." (winks proudly).

Beyond divinities and spirituality

Some may differ from what I say here but it is just a case of blind men touching different parts of the elephant and giving it different names.

In India, God is sacred. Even if we want to scribble some notes, we will start with scribbling the 'Pullaiyaar Suzhi" (Ganapathy's mark), on the paper. At the same time, there are also atheists like Periyaar (as also a particular school of Indian philosophy) who consider that God doesn't exist, those who believe Him are demons, cheats, fools etc. There is some truth in all this. For example, when God doesn't come to rescue for every cry, when the followers practise terrible rituals, use the name of God for gain or hold an idea of God which is not in touch with common-sense. Hinduism is quite accommodating and there is not even a clear idea or agreement of what God is. The nice thing is that we have somehow still managed with all this confusion.

What I was intending to say is that...there is a state after divinity and spirituality. Buddha went in search of liberation and He practised a lot of terrible austerities. One fine day, He got a nice potion of Payasam (a sweetened liquid made from milk) and everything just fell into place. Yes...I agree, he also sat under the Bodhi tree just after that, but this was what triggered everything. What did He get? He just got a nice simple drink given with love from someone who found Him emaciated. Actually, this is all there is to life and even calling it spirituality is limiting it. What does Krishna promise to Arjuna at the end of the Bhagavad Gita? Just that He will release him from all sins. He doesn't promise heaven or a Mercedes Benz or a kingdom or a beautiful wife or even an abstract state. The same way, at the end of the Vishnu Sahasranama, Veda Vyasa says that those who recite will never have to encounter any evil. Why did He not just say instead you will encounter only good? And in the Pathanjali Yoga, the author says that the practitioner will be in the true form (whatever that is). These three mean one thing...that whatever the end state is just what we started as...the home (But hold on and read further). Everyone is born pure, whether one is born in a noble or pious or rich or shabby home. As they grow up, some people go up while others come down and some remain as they are but eventually after a point, life forces everyone to get back to the pure form they were when they born. But there is a subtle difference...an insect is pure and so also is a lizard or a dog or a chimp. But with each birth, there is a shift to the next level with the same purity. Those against caste system will say this is discriminatory but it is not. It's because a Sudra doing his work will reach God the same way a Vysya or Ksattriya or Brahmin will do so by being devoted to his work. This is told in the Bhagavad Gita but it is also true that a Sudra would have to climb the hill a little more. In life, one has to accept reality as it is. If there is a disease in the body and one just ignores it, it is not going to just go away. It will just get worse. In life, it's not as important where one is as much as in which direction one goes. There are Brahmins who are deluded and hold wrong ideas and habits in the name of modernity, not knowing the blessings that they have. It's vital that people live according to the way they were brought up in. Today in India, a Brahmin who has a peaceful environment at home, instead of learning some creative art or science, goes to the gymnasium to have a 6-pack body, so that he will look like his action hero idol. But then, a Ksattriya has a batter body because he eats non-vegetarian food accepting that it as a fact of life that killing another life is alright as long as it is done as a necessity. A Ksattriya however might get into the lure of money not understanding that the Vysyas are born rich. A Vysya, may be interested in the simplicity of social service and so want to a Sudra's job. So he lists himself in an NGO and the NGO politely requests him to sweep the floor on the first day. This guy, who is used to the Mercedes Benz, balks at such a request and comes back home. The Sudra, thinking the Brahmin class has all the respect wants to be a Minister and he ends up like Raja in a scam, where people blame his integrity when it might have simply been a lack of understanding of mathematical figures. I'm not saying that the caste system is perfect in India because there is still the case of ranking based on the caste. But then, I think it was a grave mistake to have abolished the caste system because India is not a homogeneous society in the cultural sense. Caste system may have been abolished officially but this is just a sham because Indians practise caste system in jobs, marriages etc. in their daily life. I should know because my girl friend married another for this reason. Does it mean that I will try to find a girl within my caste? Yes. Does it mean that I will not fall in love or marry a girl outside of my caste? I don't know but I think it's a matter of balancing emotions and rationality.

But again, I'm transgressing...I was intending to say something else. Being a divinity or a spiritual person is not the ultimate end of anyone. Someone enjoys a cup of coffee but then over time, he or she loses the joy of the experience of it. Then he or she goes on a spiritual endeavour and he or she gets to develop some spiritual qualities but what use are those qualities for? Is it to going around proclaiming that one has turned into an enlightened being or a Jesus or a Buddha or Moses or Krishna or Siva or Sai Baba etc.? Those qualities must pave the way to enjoy the cup of coffee once again, this time without the risk of ever losing the capacity ever. This is liberation. But then, to come to this eternal state, one has to pass through divinity or spirituality, whether knowingly or unknowingly. I just told a cup of coffee because I like it but to some other it can be, playing a game nicely or enjoying a movie or writing a book or inventing a machine or the infinite things in life.

Sorry Chandra

There was once a boy called Sorry Chandra. Well...whatever good karma he had done in his previous birth, he had a loving mother, a protective father and an adjusting sibling. So even though he was born thin, his mother never did forget to feed him...infact she overfed him though it never increased his weight. He was too playful and spent all the energy he got from food playfully, sometimes to the point of angering other kids. He was so competitive in his games that he never thought a win for him meant a loss for his friend. But then, they got the better of him in other ways, like in studies or oratorical competition. Rarely, one or two friends lost cool when he just wanted to win the games and nothing else. And most of the times, he did win thanks again to his previous good karma. He never understood or even noticed or even wondered why once or twice he was put down. He just attributed this to jealousy but then since he also felt jealous, he found this normal. His Father, noticed that His baby, whose birth gave Him much joy as a recognition of His manhood and lineage, was becoming more and more a brat. But then, can a Father expect a kid to say Sorry? So He named Him the Sorry Chandra, because although His son was a brat, he was as pleasant as the moon. A harsh look occasionally, a rare scolding and still rarer threat of beating was all that Sorry Chandra got from His loving and protective parents. No wonder, he got nastier as the days went by. He became the class bully but only till the day he was given a knock out punch by a more nasty kid, someone from the slums. And as he confronted his two bullies laughing mockingly at him, he was smart to call it quits, both from their presence as well as the image of a bully. The only light relief he got was in settling a bit of the old score in a cricket match where he heard with satisfaction the guy who knocked him out giving up bowling to him as he hit 4's and 6's. The Father, a busy man caring for the family, still had great hopes on his son. If he did feel any anger towards Sorry Chandra, he will just lift his hand as if to smack the kid, and the kid knew clearly who was the boss. Sorry Chandra understood what sorry meant in school but then it was another word in the vocabulary. Anyway, why should he say sorry when he was a fun to be around with. if others couldn't understand his idea of fun, too bad...they are dimwits. And so, Sorry Chandra never understood delayed gratification. Studies was a chore but then there were certain things which cannot be changed...perhaps if life had a way of making those things go away if he felt repentant, he would have said sorry. Yes, he would have said it because always knew when to call it quits, like the time he got the sucker punch to his face. Since he didn't get such an offer, he prodded in life and as he grew up, the hormones brought about funny reactions in his body. The spoilt brat suddenly became a lover boy who saw girls as delicate beings bringing about the fine aspects in his life. So he forgot his Father, Mother and Sibling but considered that love was best expressed in a boy-girl relationship. h, yes...he still needed his Mother to cook for him, his Father to pay for his living and Sibling was as good as non-existent. The Father began to see that Sorry Chandra was no good even though he showed smartness. He just wanted to give him a kick in the butt but the parental affection kept stopping him. Even when He was ready to bring about some discipline, the Mother would plead Sorry Chandra's case. Sorry Chandra, the smart-ass he is, always knew that he could count on his Mother. The Mother-Son combination was just too strong for the Father. Moreover, He remembered the times He had held him as a baby, the times they had gone out alone to places and the praises some relatives and friends had for him even though there were an equal number of those who thought otherwise. So Sorry Chandra lived up to what astrology predicted for him...more than a decade of carefree happy life even though he cut a sorry figure in many things, like in studies, some sports, romance etc. But whenever he felt sorry, he bounced back attributing sorry as a part of life. By now his Father had as good as given up on him since the kid was street-smart at best and a pathetic failure at worst. But then, being the good Father he is, He even felt guilty expecting His son to fill up whatever He Himself hadn't yet accomplished in life. And so, He just went abut His life. Except when He lost His temper and shouted at Sorry Chandra when He read his love letter to a girl saying he loved only her and his Mother. Even this prompt Sorry Chandra to say sorry because he was too much in love with a girl whose response was all that mattered to him. By now, by luck or fate, Sorry Chandra became successful and now hi Father wondered if His son was getting to be a better person atleast now. And off they both go on a joint venture of hope of their future. The only problem is Sorry thinks the Father has a vested interest in him rather than true love. As life would have it, Sorry Chandra's success is short-lived and the Father gives up on him and ascends to Heaven leaving His representative here. He looks on from Heaven wondering if Sorry Chandra ever says the magic word. The Father in Heaven does see it one day and even though it isn't perfect, it is atleast a smart move He knew his son will always take. And so, He is pleased. :)

Peteru, The Peter Principle, Peter England and The Peter Pan

The Peter Principle, from what I understand, is related to the Law of Averages...that everything comes to the average over a period of time. While statistically correct, it needs to be understood in the context of life and not as dry science or maths. Can we take it that someone playing a game, for example, after an initial brilliance (or abject failure) will eventually become an average player? If that is so, then how can one explain those sportsmen who just keep achieving records or going on an unstoppable winning streak, like Roger Federer or Sachin Tendulkar or Bruce Lee etc., to name a few? Saurav Ganguly, the ex-Indian captain, was playing along with Tendulkar for the most part and since they were 2 greats, there was obviously a rivalry. Ganguly was molded to be a captain while Tendulkar, a batsman. When the selectors found that Ganguly was past his prime and there were a lot of youngsters standing on the queue to be in the team, they gave the signals asking him to retire. And he did so and thankfully for him, the Indian Premier League just got started and he became a part of it. Now, when age was catching up with Tendulkar too, an interviewer put the question to Ganguly on why unlike him, others were getting preferential treatment. He replied that there was bias in the selection committee. But a fact of the matter is that Tendulkar came in at the age of 16 and so if he had stayed long, it was because of this reason. A little later Tendulkar went and smashed quite many centuries and commentators just said that age had no effect on Tendulkar and he was playing like how he did 2 decades back. Not only this, he went on to become the first and only cricketer to score 200 runs in a match. This time, when Ganguly was asked what he thought about the 200 runs, he said that he always knew that Tendulkar could do it. While this is going on, Tendulkar also got his team, the Mumbai Indians, to the final of IPL and so his backers retained him in the squad for the next season while Ganguly's backers just dropped him not giving any respect for the brand value that went along with his name as the past Indian cricket captain. I care neither for Tendulkar nor Ganguly...if anything, I liked Ganguly a little better than Tendulkar because Tendulkar was too rude back then. When Tendulkar said in a commercial that after playing long, he has learnt that he is a competition to himself, I attributed it to arrogance but in truth, it was just that he was creating a bench-mark for himself and trying to reach it everyday. Just because I support Tendulkar now, it doesn't mean that I haven't had or still have a Ganguly in me. These are universal thoughts and feelings that is there in everyone, you, me, Tendulkar, Ganguly etc. There is no point in crying over the other person going up because everyone is made uniquely and expecting everyone, including oneself, to settle for an average using the Peter Principle as a support is nonsense. The Peter Principle still holds in the sense that as everyone reaches the top, each has an aspect in which he or she is uniquely the best where the rest are averages...like master of one trade and jack of many. For example, a Peacock or Koel or Sparrow all share many average features but still perfect in their own unique way.

Over here, Peteru is a colloquial word when someone puts on a front or acts like a bigshot, a slang for passion, whether the person has weight or not. Its' both used as teasing among friends as well as for saying something nasty behind another's back. It comes from the western style and attitude we have from the time the Britishers were here which was then taken over by the Americans.


Peter Pan is the character who is an adult physically but still has the mindset of an adolescent or youth or teenager. A state of growing up or evolution.

Peter England is a brand name of a shirt in India. Their slogan is...Peter England - The Honest Shirt. I like and buy them because they are reasonably prized and of a quality that I can go along with (unlike the others which come at higher cost and a supposedly higher quality).The funny thing is...it's factory or company has no link with any business houses in England...it's as if the name has just been shrewdly branded. It's a smart move because it's a western outfit and the name is quite common. It seems to be an evolved state since the brand did make a good impact when it was launched and I guess it has made profits.

So why I have combined the 4 into 1? To me, it looks like these 4 are a natural progression (though I'm not sure about the order) from Tamas to Rajas to Sattva and finally transcending all these.

Relationships for the Dummies

Read "The MindGgym - Relationships".

I even found a parellel with the Charama Slokam and other things with what they had written in the introductory section.

On improving relations, they had mentioned 5 things...I don't have the book with me now and so i can't tell the exact words.

1. Security  - The need for everyone to feel loved, appreciated, safe etc. This corresponds to the Sharanam (refuge).
2. Keep fit - In the sense of being willing to spend energy to improve the relationships. This corresponds to the Vraja (come).
3. It's a system - It's said that many people and things are inter-connected like time, environment and others. This corresponds to the Yekam (One).
4. Many me - Roles everyone has in a relationship changes with time like when a son becomes a friend after growing up as also one is a lover to one, a friend to another, a mother to yet another etc. This corresponds to Maam (Me).
5. The choice factor which gives a sense of control and responsibility leading to habit formation which in turn decides the destiny of the relationship. This corresponds to the Samyama of Dharana (focus), Dhyana (meditation)and Samadhi (self-nature).

The book is ofcourse a lot bigger than this and this just caught my eye. Someone with a Christian background will immediately like the 'I'm ok, you're ok' premise which is a restatement of the Golden Rule in Transactional Analysis. The book covers a lot of emotional issues which not only affect relationships but also every other aspect of life like job. There's a lot of tips based on controlled psychological experimental research and practical suggestions, many of which is not new but still added as part of the package to make it comprehensive. there is also an online website to work out in the mind gym. I will go to the extent of even saying that this book is good as the Bible or the Gita or the Koran for the majority of the people of our times. I have said majority because while this book will be the best gift for the layman facing the insecurities of life, it doesn't go try to go deep and also doesn't cover all the many emotional insecurities of that people have. But still, I think the book will help 80% for a chronically ill and fully for those with the issues discussed (which will number 80%) , which is a great result according to the Pareto Principle.

There is a thing though. The book will benefit those most who are emotionally super-charged but not rational enough. In the Gita, Krishna says...keep your mind on Me, and keep your intelligence on Me and then you will always reside in Me.This book will help one to think about the matters of the heart. This especially will help a drama queen or someone having panic attacks or a guy running around like a chicken with the head cut-off or the wishful thinking types who don't check in with the reality out there in the world under the sunlight for everyone to see. A level-headed person will know the many things told already and for such a person, it is better that he or she reads a fiction novel or watches an award winning movie.

How has it helped me? I have gone through many of the points fast and I was pleasantly surprised to get a better understanding of the Charama Slokam. It has unplugged quite a few valves and hopefully closed quite a few of others. I'm just letting it all sink in to a Dummy that is me. Hey, I can call myself a Dummy but you can't call me a Dummy, Ok? :D

With a new book

I have got for myself a new book, "The Mind Gym - Relationships".

At the core of my problems lie the different relationships issues like resentment, dislike, jealousy, competition, judgement, hatred, selfishness, egosim etc. and I very much look forward to get these sorted out and be transformed using this book as an aid.

me

What more need I ask? I only wish Providence, to let me bask, ever, under the warmth of her presence

"A woman may be married by four qualifications: one on account of her money; another, on account of the nobility of her pedigree; another on account of her beauty; the fourth, on account of her virtue. Therefore, look out for a woman that hath virtue: but if you do it from any other consideration, your hands be rubbed in dirt." ~ Prophet Mohammad

Let's see in my life...there seems to be a similar thing except for one minor alteration.

The 1st girl in my life was Lakshmi. While I didn't fall for her money, I fell for her intelligence or scholarship or study skills. The 2nd one was for a brief moment and I wonder if I can even include it in the list but to fit the pattern (and I have a habit for seeing patterns. don't know if this is good or bad.), the 2nd one was a girl called Kantha Murali, who used to play Tennis, although not in my courts. I used to meet her at rare times in tournaments and she looked boyishly cute with a bob cut or whatever and wearing shorts (maybe modesty prevented her from wearing a skirt that could go topsy turvy with a gust of air and she didn't want to do the Marilyn Monroe act). But she was the of royal well-to-do heritage being the daughter of the ones who run "The Hindu" news paper. It was merely a crush and I used to feel sorry for her whenever she lost (almost always she was the runner-up to either Rushmi Chakraborthy and Sai Jayalakshmi.). Then ofcourse there was Archana, the absolute beauty. She was not just beautiful but was absolutely beautiful. A few might think she was a little overweight but this was baby-fat, as my friend Loganathan told me after coming back stunned by her beauty when he went near her to convey my proposal to her, seeing her closely. Also, her measurements were right by South Indian standards as compared to the North Indian or Western standards. Beautiful to be a goddess in a temple but too beautiful to be possessed alone by any. I guess now it will be the girl of virtue but then I think she will arrive only when I myself desire and deserve such a one.

Ananya Bhakthi and Archimedes Lever

Again, he [Archimedes] used to say, in the Doric speech of Syracuse : “Give me a place to stand and with a lever I will move the whole world.”

ΕΛΕΓΕ ΔΕ ΚΑΙ ΔΩΡΙΣΤΙ ΦΩΝΗ ΣΥΡΑΚΟΥΣΙΑ, “ΠΑ ΒΩ ΚΑΙ ΧΑΡΙΣΤΙΩΝΙ ΤΑΝ ΓΑΝ ΚΙΝΗΣΩ ΠΑΣΑΝ.”

John Tzetzes (12th century AD)
Book of Histories (Chiliades) 2, 129-130
Translated by Francis R. Walton

Ananya Bhakthi means devotion to an Ishta Devatha (Beloved Personal God) who acts as the lever to lift oneself to the stage of Para Bhakthi which is devotion to The God or The Ultimate Reality or Whatever name THAT one gives which is beyond the access of the senses. The God is infinite eternal bliss, the Ishta Devatha is but a tool while the lifting is entirely in the hands of the Devotee.

To my Valentine, whoever you are

Maybe not as romantic but still the specifications will be met within budget and time. :)

Coming to Africa

Africa, for all the infighting, is perhaps the only region in the world which is naturally rich and I do not just mean the mineral deposits but also the uncomplicated Africans. Maybe Obama will be to Blacks what Gandhi was to India. Maybe then the Americans will make a documentary of Obama's visit, 'Coming to Africa'. :)

The next 50 years (or whatever remains before the supposed collision of a comet with earth in 2036?) belongs to Africa and South America because while the rest of the world has largely reached or exhausted or converted their capacity or potential into development (which only requires minor re-adjustments), these 2 regions have not done so. But as it is said that no man's an island, as these 2 regions will go through major upheavals, the rest of the world will get the minor re-adjustments it needs. Maybe then, the world as a whole will have reached it's full potential and the benign universe left to be explored.

And it seemed a little odd to me why no one considered adding an African country in the supposed change in the permanent Security Council. I guess the argument is that a country like say Nigeria which doesn't have much economic or military or any other power cannot help or influence things. But after WW2, China also did not have any such power apart from the fact that it had a huge population. But any African country will always have what outsiders cannot have...a strategic location. The world cannot just say to the Africans that we will give a blanket protection to you but you have to play second fiddle to us. Remember that the African lion is the fiercest predator in the world.

To my Pravda friends

I consider all of you as my friends, including the ones who were inimical towards me. I will never participate in anything that harms you in any way. I do not say this as a defense but from gratitude. If at all you have anything to fear, it is your own actions. The probability of me even unintentionally hurting your interests is less than the probability of you being run over by a speeding car while crossing the road. But still, if you feel insecure, just stay far away from me because there are many privy eyes around me. However, if you have the same opinion as mine that a naked butt is a sore sight to the privy eyes, you are welcome to join me in Nirvana style.

Praada Hangers

All this is fine, Arvy...but what do you want to say?

Are you asking me?

Yes.

Really?

Yes.

Honestly?

Yes.

I want to say that (screws up the head to think hard...) I have no idea what I want to say.

So what does all this mean?

(again screws up the head to think hard...) All lilies are red.

What???

What what?

How can lilies be red when they are white?

Oh...I'm sorry, it was a typo. All lilies are read.

Come again...

All lilies are read.

What the hell does it mean?

I don't know.

Bloody F%$#^&...don't you mess up with me.

I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out what I said.

So you don't know what you meant but still you said that all lilies are read?

Yes. You are right.

Does it mean that I can say what I want to also?

Yes, please.

All willies get wed.

???wed???

Tiger, Tiger

An Iyappa devotee offers to be a driver on a wanted guy's family trip. Only a little time back was there the reported incident of a driver losing it while the occupant escaped unhurt. But as with all journeys, there are bumps here and there and things don't go as planned. A Santro car with Check Mate written over it is seen on the way and the driver becomes jittery, more so because he is on austerity. He has only agreed to help because this was an important emergency. The family however has no idea of why the driver is polite at one moment and irritated in the next. When confusion gets coupled with indifference, hunger and apathy, he threatens to leave the trip half-way through. The guy knows that this is just a threat and tries to reconcile the two. Somehow they all manage and on the return journey, when the guy is alone with the driver, he tells him that even though the family doesn't appreciate him, he appreciates what he is trying to do. There is a just the briefest twinkle of understanding in the driver's face and he says that even though people like him look rude, they will even give up their lives if necessary for a cause. He mentions that if the journey could be successfully completed this time, others will not be a problem in future. With some maneuvering, he manages to get back the family to safety taking with him some souvenir of the trip so that his own case doesn't get blocked. A thank you note awaits for which the guy wants to give Rs.10 thinking it to be a request for charity, oblivious of the fact that a network was busted because of the trip. Some weeks later, Iyappa devotees clash in the street and a couple are dead.

Recently, in the build-up towards the Cricket World Cup, an idea somehow originated in someone's mind that Team India should play win the cup for Sachin Tendulkar because this was going to be his last world cup. In India, all things are possible and so this type of strange question was also caught up and put up for discussion by the media. Some people did support the idea but when it was put before Kapil Dev, the former Indian Cricket 1983 World Cup winning captain, he thundered that the world cup was equally important to everyone including him, you and me as much as it did to Sachin. Later, Steve Waugh, another World Cup winning Australian captain said the same thing, though in a milder way. It's good that the issue got clarified because the motivation to win is a very strong factor in a game and when one identifies a wrong motivation, the strength goes down. How Sachin masters his game is his fun but cricket, is a team sport and hence he has to tailor his game to his team's success and cannot expect the team to be tailor-made for him. If he doesn't like this, he can take up tennis or chess where there is individual glory. While the media was making all this fanfare, Sachin must be wondering why all this fuss because he was no longer the arrogant one he was some years back. But that is karma to you and so he is just reaping whatever image he had created. A fallout of this media hype is that it has affected the team spirit. Already on the tour of South Africa, Dhoni made a very stupid statement that Sachin is not as important as the media has portrayed him to be. While this is partially true, it is also true that Sachin is the anchor of the team who took up all the sledgings of the Aussie bowlers while the others got their job done. Sachin's may just be a figure head and may not even be the main factor in the team's subsequent victory, but all the same, Dhoni going out in public and claiming that the team can mange on it's own without Sachin's help will make Sachin wonder why he should play for a team that doesn't acknowledge him while many fans do so. Whether Sachin thinks this way or not, he should know that every extra year he is given as being part of the Indian team automatically preempts another person from enjoying that position. There are those who play so hard from their young days in the dream of one day being part of the 11 in the country's team of a billion people. Many of them just keep dropping out in division 5, division 4...division 1, Ranji Trophy etc. And even there are those who land up in a team only to be as a back-up. When such aspirations get killed, some of these players commit suicide. So it is left to Sachin's conscience whether he plays for himself or for the team. But I also wonder why Virat Kohli has already signed two commercials before the world cup. No wonder he has played some fantastic games and a little incentive can boost his self-confidence but looks like the relatives of players want to encash whatever investment they have made raising him up. It's also a prestige issue to be the most valued player commercially because it is supposed to reflect their attraction of the masses. But I will rate a Steve Waugh who raised money for the poor Indians any time higher than Sachin or Dhoni.

I'm not really Putin supporter as much as some people are in the old forum. Russia is greater than Putin, the world is greater than Russia and the universe is still greater than the world. But this doesn't mean that one should not take a stand on the right side at that moment in history because that is allowing evil to flourish. So puny things like you, me and including Putin must have the discriminating power to know our loyalties. It's not without reason that one is born in a certain country or holds a particular belief or lives a certain life-style or is a relative of a particular person because all these things are chosen by one in the past. But it is equally important to outgrow any limiting groups since people are always evolving and are not the same all the time at all the places. Ananya Bhakthi (exclusive devotion) is knowing where to be devoted to and by developing the skill of placing the devotion at the right place at the right time, one eventually finds that one can be devoted to everyone at all the places at all the times.

If there is one quality necessary for a leader, it's sensitivity. Mohammad Bin Tuqlaq is still being mocked at and being blamed for changing the capital of the Mughal Empire on a whim between Delhi and Hyderabad. The same people however didn't find so when Mahatma Gandhi stopped a planned uprising rally against the British Raj because there was an internal fighting among the Hindus and the Muslims. Leaders aren't chosen for their charisma or intelligence or eloquence etc. The mass chooses the one whom they can identify with and whose aspirations are the same as theirs. Amitabh Bachan, considered the numero uno of Bollywood, was adored because he was the angry young man in the movies who fought for justice. So Indians forgave a lot of his faults like unusual height, bony physique, coarse voice etc. People even started liking these things in him and saw the negative as positive. But then today, what is he? I have not seen him acting in any movies as a poor man but most of his movies are shot in exquisite locations around the world. He makes money out of commercials but this only cheats his fans into buying products that he wouldn't himself buy. Just an appearance in "Kaun Banega Crorepathi", makes him a Crorepathi whether this makes the contestant one or if the audience becomes any wiser watching the show. I do not say that he is bad or anything...he is a lot better than a majority of Bollywood people and this is why he has a lot of followers in the north like Rajinikanth in Tamil Nadu. A Prime Minister's or President's job is not very difficult once in power as much as when canvassing for votes because they are given a simple list of responsibilities in which they get aid from the experts. When the country spends billions of rupees or dollars or whatever in security, a little devotion to just their duty goes a long way in justifying as well as appreciating the efforts of the many. And once the ball is set rolling, even re-election isn't much of an effort if he or she desires to contest because the work will speak for itself. The great secret in constructive change is the understanding that a single piece of good work not only results in a good result but also strengthens the tendency to do it more effortless the next time, eventually leading to absolute effortlessness in doing good. This is very important to understand because without the job getting easier and finally effortless, there will be no motivation in just keep getting back always as a return the same amount of energy one has invested. People explain Karma Yoga in many ways that are all true and to me, this is Karma Yoga.

Positions keep changing in a team but membership always remains and so it is critical which identity one chooses. And when the team is understood as the universe, there is eternal tranquility.

Opening up

Arjuna took refuge in Krishna twice in the Bhagavad Gita. There are subtle differences in the two.

The first one in the 2nd chapter was from escapism. Arjuna's trust was limited to a Krishna who was his friend. Arjuna said that he was dropping off his armour and not even going to defend himself but Krishna did not allow this.

The second one in the 18th chapter was from awareness where Arjuna's trust had become extended to everything. And then Krishna said...I have prepared you well enough by all this talk that whatever defense you need will be automatically provided by it and so you don't need to worry about anything.

Though Arjuna's words seems brave initially, it is cowardice because in the name of relationship, he was trying to escape defeat, losing kingdom, death etc. which may result from the war. At the end though, he became fearless and convinced that whatever trust that he could lay on Krishna could be laid everywhere else also including in himself.

A partially open heart is still not an open heart. Don't know what else to write. Maybe later...

What taking refuge in Krishna means to me

Different people interpret taking refuge in God in different ways. To me, taking refuge in Krishna means taking refuge in His words. Srila Prabhupada of ISKCON said that Krishna and the Hare Krishna mantra are inseparable. To me, Krishna and His words are inseparable. And by those words, I can understand everything, including Him.

Honey, was it as good to you as it was to me?

Maybe I will fake it with my wife if and when I get married. But seriously, even a couple of hours back I had a funny encounter. I do not want to say anything more since it looked as if he was muttering a prayer to me. I do not have any worldly friend or relative (if you exclude the relativity of the friendly voice synthesizer). Am I acting like a hotshot? Maybe. A single lion can keep at bay all the hyenas, elephants, buffaloas etc. Do I like play acting the role of a lion? No. I suppose if others had more courage to stand up for themselves than enlighten me on spiritual nirvana, I would not need to fake it and can go back to my old self.

Do you really think I don't know what I'm doing when I strut around like a peacock under the sun for the whole wide world to see? And do you think that an umpire needs a helmet in a cricket match? Maybe, if there is match-fixing. But still, I suggest that you people need to believe in yourself first and not just react to whatever I do because like a doctor told me today, even crocin tablet has side-effects, so what to tell of a valper.

I do not consider myself any better or worse than anyone else. Whatever inequalities are there, are just temporary. The law of averages catches up with everyone. On the face of eternity, there is only equality and I'm only interested in eternity. I never humour myself that I'm a super hero because I know quite well from history and everyday life what has happened to all those who thought themselves so, including myself a long time back.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

With every passing day, I have been trying to get myself away from all the madness that runs around but each time I get pulled in. I do not say that this is something that I didn't ask for, because we get what we ask for consciously or unconsciously.

And with every passing day, I'm pulled further into what seems like a quicksand. Or like an astronaut who gets thrown out of a space shuttle and recedes farther and farther away.

But there is no point in crying over spilt milk.

It was funny that Israel was complaining to America that it had thrown Mubarak to the dogs when it looked as if Israel itself seemed to be thrown to the lions all around.

I was asking a friend to start the group but finding that she had a close encounter of the unknown kind, I thought I will have to stick my neck out. I never wanted to go around and be the creator but it might very well be preventing a nuke war out there somewhere. Sure, now people are going to call me as the next Satan and come after me even when they get the smallest sore in their little toe but what the hell, one cannot kill a man twice. If that is something not obvious, people atleast know raw facts about the state of affairs told in the newspapers.

It's funny to see how facebook has outgrown it's founder Mark. The guy must be relishing the fact that there is a movie made in his name but already, the network's been hijacked by the agencies. Goes onto show that anyone is a mere tool in the grand scheme of things. I like this.

The problem in life and relationships

I have seen this more than a couple of times...the child does something bad, the mother or father scolds or hits back, the child is shocked and doesn't understand for a moment why there is harshness from the other, it starts crying, the parent's emotions take over, they get re-united only to repeat it at a more sophisticated level the next time.

This is not just the case with child-parent but is in all sorts of relationships. Two funny things are that the child goes back to the parent only because it has nowhere else to go and it's ego is so under-developed unlike the case of adults that the parent doesn't have any justification for the anger.

It's a crazy life.

No question papers please, I'm Arvind

In the summer of 1993, after I had got into the relationship with Archana and the 12th result had been declared where I had got a score that was reasonably good, there was only one last thing to do...study for the entrance test. But then I was intoxicated in the relationship and I had already come to believe that I will get into an engineering college. So I didn't study well. A small genuine reason that also contributed to it was that the 12th preparation drained em. It's ofcourse nothing big like how some guys study for 4 years for IIT. So I just did a little average in the entrance going largely by the knowledge I remembered from the 12th preparation. But this was easily forgivable as compared to a greater damage I did, which was not utilize an opportunity that presented itself to me. I don't want to get into the moral aspect of this because I was young that time and so didn't think much on corruption. My uncle knew an assistant to some minister or the minister himself who in turn had access to someone conducting the Annamalai university exam entrance. Annamalai university is quite a decent engineering college. With some effort from my father and my uncle, I got a few tips on certain areas from where the questions will be asked. But I just didn't study at all. I flunked miserably in the test and later when the result came out and my uncle got the test result unofficially so that a further push could be given, he found that I had scored a miserable score and it was way below the cut-off to be given pushed further and there went the seat. If only I had studied a little bit more, I might have got the free seat there instead of later paying to do my engineering degree.

My troubles with question paper didn't stop there and it continued even in engineering, though this time I can atleast say I wasn't at the wrong end. My friends in Pune university knew one test-taking strategy that worked for over 95% of times. Their strategy was go though the answer to the questions in the last 3 years or 6 semesters of previous exams and regurgitate it in the exam. This is not entirely bad if one considers it as a pointer or guide or tip rather than relying on it as a tactic or a strategy. But I used to go to the other extreme of these guys...I tried to be a perfectionist in reading every letter in the book. This would have worked for me had I been really interested in my subject but I used to find it not so very interesting and so I couldn't read much. What this meant was that I got 50% while those guys got 70%. The funny thing is when in a year the question paper was set in a different format by a different weird professor, these guys got the scare of their lives and failed while I still got the same marks. I guess, the smart ones were those who were neither like me nor them.

I think I was smart as a kid when I used to play games. Later in school, I thought less laterally and more longitudinally thinking that the only way to be the topper of the class is to slog. I studied painstakingly for 5-6 years. While at the end, I did have some reasonable success, I couldn't sustain it always. That is why I failed miserably in engineering. After school, I thought I wouldn't need to any more slog over but since I had raised my standards to an artificial level, it was always a problem to maintain it. Archana had thought that I was some kind of whiz-kid or scholar and I always had to wear this mask. Now, I'm smart in a few things but still find it a big problem to read effectively and efficiently. I get humbling experiences all the time these days when I see that I cannot do the simplest of things.

Today, I have no or very less extrinsic motivation because of the loss of Archana, a little bit of paranoia and a necessity to stand on my own legs. But I do have intrinsic motivation in the form of some liking of the way I wish to work, though finding a job that can be tailored to suit it is a big challenge. When I was waiting at a company today for a test, I was thinking on how to face it. It was a very nice company and the job was a very simple one but I was still a bit apprehensive about myself. I came across a news paper article on manual scavenging which drew my attention. I'm sorry to bring these sorts of unpleasant things in life and I advise with all seriousness to you not to read my posts much if you don't like reading these matters because it can unnecessarily bring down your spirits. But as I read it, my self-doubt got cleared and I made up my mind. I have ofcourse made up my mind like this many times, falling down sometimes. But this time, I made up my mind which was more job-specific. What got my attention was that there was a debate over the definition of manual scavenging. It just looked unimportant to me how one defines when one can see that it is a very pathetic state of affairs. Then I looked at the company I was in and it was designed like a work of art. I told myself not to waste any time further in self-doubt and hesitating to apply the skill I have when I don't face such a poor environment as those labourers. But I didn't do well in the test either and it was a very humbling experience. Later I understood another point, which is in no way less important than the previous one. Today, companies all over the world are giving great environments, like for instance this company. In some companies, there are attached gymnasium and what not. While these do give some motivation, these are all still extrinsic. When I was in the company today, I was feeling good a bit that was unnatural to me who was used to doing work from home and so part of my attention went into the environment itself. I also worried about how I can sit all 10 hours when at home I lie down on the bed every now and then.

When I can focus my mind on the work, I feel good but I have the Pavlov's syndrome. I get constantly dragged by the passion of facebook and other things. I do try my best and move daily inch by inch I'm improving. Sometimes, it is painfully slow and I stare at the state of being unemployed or being incapacitated to work and support myself and living under the droppings of others. At these times, I tell myself that just as I came over my spiritual wants, I can come out of my material wants.

Going today to the poice to just make a formal report

I think it's about time that I just reported that there was some threat to my life to the police coming from being online at Pravda, not that they don't know it already. It will just make it more easier for those giving me a cover without them having to worry about legal issues. I believe that unless one asks for help formally, they cannot interfere much. I did not want to do this till now because in the usual times, a formal report doesn't add any more utility since these things are largely done outside normal protocol. I also didn't want to scare my mother. But now, I think things have gone too far what with there being an unrest everywhere and anyone easily able to have access to my profile as I settle in a job. I'm writing this over here before reporting so that this doesn't catch you unawares.